I Bought A New Jacket Last Week And It Looks Extremely Good As Hell

No article this week. Instead I’m going to use Medium’s precious storage space to tell you about this extremely good-ass jacket I bought last week with my untaxed freelance writer dollars.

Here are the details concerning the jacket:
• The jacket looks good as hell
• The jacket is a green bomber with this really slick orange collar for contrast
• The jacket has a small zippered pocket on the left arm that I could use to hold a several loose condoms, a rolled up stack of $20 bills or my keys, and that rules
• The jacket makes me look like I’m someone’s older sibling’s college boyfriend, the look I’ve tried to unsuccessfully cultivate for years

It’s not a stretch for me to say that this jacket has not only boosted my self confidence, but my inherent kissability by at least 25%, a huge gain for someone who sits hunched over a computer writing listicles all day. The remainder of this Medium article will now be given over to reader questions about the jacket.

Is there any chance we could see a picture of you wearing the jacket?

Absolutely not. Next question.

Hi Alex, expert question-asker here: I’m hearing reports that the new jacket you bought is extremely good as hell and you look great wearing it. Can you speak to either of those points?

More than happy to—the jacket is good as hell and I look great wearing it. Thanks for your question.

Has your opinion of the current geopolitical situation in the world changed since buying the jacket?

Before owning the jacket, I was of the opinion that the current geopolitical situation worldwide was extremely bad and not 100, whereas now I’m of the opinion that the geopolitical situation is still extremely bad and not 100, but I look great and I feel great.

If pressed, do you think you could fit your keys, several wrapped condoms and a rolled-up stack of $20 bills into the left side pocket of the jacket?

I’m not confident I’d be able to do that without endangering the structural integrity of the side pocket and thus ruining the mystique of the jacket, reminding me that all things are ultimately dust amongst the sands of time, even insanely good bomber-style jackets you bought with untaxed freelance income.

That said, I am confident this is not a situation I’m likely to encounter. I’m a man of action, so it’s extremely unlikely I’m going to headed to place and not be sure if I’ll need my keys, a roll of $20 bills or several loose condoms. Chances are if I’m planning on locking my door, spending capital or doing whatever it is you do with loose condoms, I’m doing it with certainty and not all pell-mell like the rest of the hoi polloi.

Okay, but how can we know the jacket looks good as hell on you if you won’t show us a picture?

Listen buster, I don’t like what you’re intimating here (that the jacket doesn’t look good as hell, for starters), and I am just going to head you off at the pass here and tell you that I am in no way crazy or depraved enough to upload a photo of myself onto the website Medium dot com.

The reason for this is that the website Medium dot com is full of freaks and idiots, and the last thing I need is some NCIS reject creep checking out numerous details from an innocuous picture of me I’ve uploaded wearing my good-ass jacket, triangulating my approximate position from said numerous details from said innocuous photo and then murdering me in a gruesome and sickening fashion because one time on here I wrote a fake article about using an illegal keylogger program on beloved (?) literary fiction author Jonathan Franzen to find out what he searched Google for.

It’s not going to happen, chief, so you can just take a walk.

Will you tell us where you bought the jacket at least?

So you can steal my fashion thunder? Heck no! Get outta here! This interview is over! It’s canceled! Go on, scat! Get outta here! Shoo! You’re about one bad question away from me spritzing you with a water bottle like an ill-trained house pet!

Veteran reporter of 20 years here: just wondering if the jacket has a zipper?

The jacket has two zippers. Thank you for the question.

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