Please Explore The Park At Your Leisure But Keep Your Distance From James Dean, Our Resident Wolf With A Knife
Dear visitor,
We’re thrilled to welcome you to the new and improved Chester A. Arthur Commemorative Forest Walk, the funds for which were generously provided by a clerical error in the city’s budget for 2017. We invite you to hike our newly renovated 18.7 miles of serene forest trails, and hope you’ll take a moment to admire the Yoshi Katsumura Reflecting Pool, CitiBank™ South Gardens, and the imposing cliff face of Sequoia Rock. Even little tykes can have something to do at our Raccoon Ranger Rowdy stations placed around the park. However, please be advised that as an unintended consequence of our park’s expansion, we have apparently disturbed the den of a wolf who uses a knife that we have named James Dean, because of a certain je nes sais quoi that renders him psychically similar to the deceased star.
In most other cases, park personnel like to remind visitors that the animals are often more frightened of you than you are of them. This is not the case with James Dean. In fact, he seems to revel in the fear he causes in parkgoers and staff alike, often shifting the KA-BAR knife he wields in his mouth from side-to-side with a dextrous flick of his neck. In one altercation, James Dean was reported to have faked out Ranger Dan with a sudden forward motion, and upon seeing Ranger Dan flinch and gasp audibly, he simply wagged his tail and disappeared back into the woods.
We also don’t advise anyone attempt to fight James Dean. The park brought in a World War 2 re-enactor and expert in Fairbairn-Sykes knife combat shortly after reports of James Dean roaming the park surfaced, and this re-enactor ensured us that he would make quick work of the wolf, KA-BAR knife or no. Several hours later, he burst into central command, bloodied and haggard to explain that he’d underestimated James Dean and called him “a worthy opponent, and a fitting end” before succumbing to his wounds. The investigation into the park’s liability for the man’s death is still pending, and park personnel are not permitted to speak on it, so please do not ask them.
Although as a rule of thumb, all hikers should be aware of their surroundings, the park staff has pinpointed several “high priority” targets that James Dean tends to favor. These include: weak-looking individuals, the elderly, people who look like people who would listen to Phish and anyone eating beef jerky. James Dean cannot get enough of beef jerky, and will do anything to get his nasty paws on it. Park staff surmise this fondness for dried meat is the result of the park service’s unorthodox (and ultimately ill-conceived) idea to cull the deer population in the area we’d mapped as the most likely area for James Dean’s den, in the hopes that fewer food resources would encourage the wolf to take his knife and go elsewhere. Aside from being a complete PR disaster, the cull seems to have only strengthened James Dean’s resolve and has in fact encouraged him to rob anyone he sees with beef jerky at knifepoint, as though some sort of lupine Elizabethan highwayman.
If you follow these rules, however, you should have no issues while enjoying the newly renovated Chester A. Arthur Commemorative Forest Walk. We’re so excited to have you here, and we hope you enjoy your stay in nature.
Best,
Your friendly rangers at the National Park Service
Update: Unfortunately, we’ve heard reports that James Dean is now also accosting patrons who are not currently eating beef jerky, menacing them until they give him their wallets. It appears he has also grasped the basic mechanics of commerce and will rob patrons and park rangers (favoring the latter) and use his ill-gotten gains to buy beef jerky and whoopie cakes from Sal’s Place, a bait shop and convenience store that’s just off the interstate. Sal has refused our repeated entreaties for him to not accept James Dean’s money, so please do not bring your wallets or any valuables inside the park, and expect this ban to stay for the foreseeable future.