The Eclipse Suffused Me With Knowledge Of Dark Mysteries, Making Me A Perfect Fit For Your Content Marketing Position

Alex Borkowski
Aug 22, 2017 · 2 min read
Image Credit: NASA

To whom it may concern,

My name is Alex Borkowski. I’m a writer, comedian and terminal pop culture junkie living in Chicago and rapidly coming to terms with the dark knowledge I received while observing the eclipse on Monday. I couldn’t contain my excitement when I saw a job posting for a content marketing position. I have a number of skills and dark murmurings that make me a perfect fit for this position.

I have a ton of online content writing experience already, ranging from a former position at a prestigious millennial-focused media company to my weekly scrawling here, but all that pales before the skills my new master Ûzar the Moon Lurker has promised me. Ûzar lives behind the Sun in a dimensional snarl hidden from mortal eyes, but he has chosen me as his “Walker In The Light” to herald his arrival onto our plane. As the Moon Lurker’s avatar, I’m confident that the warped runes he has burned into my brain will make me an invaluable asset to your company moving forward.

With my dabbling in the black arts enhanced by Ûzar’s blessings, I promise that my copy will be crisp, concise and guaranteed to drive the layman insane with the hints of the mysteries that lie in the fuligin expanse just beyond the reach of our weak and dying star.

For print ads about Venus Razor Blades, I will expound upon the mysteries of Ûzar’s Dim City, an ever-metastasizing expanse of cyclopean towers and non-Euclidian pathways eternally howling secrets with the voice of a dead solar wind. I’m a quick study and a hard worker, and both of these traits will be extensively rewarded when Ûzar bursts forth into our reality, his manifold heads shrieking the dread harmonies that will extinguish the sun forever and plunge us all into the cold darkness of the Totality.

Thank you so much for the opportunity to apply, and please don’t hesitate to let me know if you require additional references or clarification about Ûzar’s dread majesty. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Yours in eternal and dread singularity of darkness,

Alex Borkowski

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