What I Would Do For The Porgs Of ‘Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi’
3 min readDec 24, 2017
- Hold a Porg
- Kiss a Porg gently on the forehead
- Feed a Porg some scraps from my family dinner even though my parents say I’m not supposed to
- See a frightening movie with a Porg, but not one that’s too frightening
- Swear an oath to a Porg
- Swear a different oath in front of a Porg
- Take out a full-page ad in the New York Times announcing that all Porgs are under my protection
- Refuse to participate in a round of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” where the options are “A Porg, A Porg and A Porg”
- Wield a cursed samurai blade in defense of a Porg
- Wield that same cursed samurai blade to impress Porgs into thinking that I am cool and worthy of their respect
- Slap a man to pieces for insulting a Porg
- Let a Porg officiate a wedding between me and my beautiful high school sweetheart, Lilah
- Start a GoFundMe to get enough money to get handsome-ish male vocalist Josh Groban to compose a song about how devoted I am to Porgs
- Scream and fire an entire clip from my gun into the air because the devil-may-care career criminal I’ve been tasked with tracking for the last six months is a Porg and it knows I won’t have the guts to shoot it as it runs away
- Get a tattoo of a Porg
- Get a tattoo of a Porg with a Porg
- Get a tattoo of a Porg with a Porg and by a third, neutral party Porg
- Thieve a jewel for a Porg, even though they don’t have any concept of fiat value from what I can tell
- Challenge Twitter user @porgs_are_trash_69 to a fist fight over the Porgs
- Endanger my budding friendship with John Boyega and Oscar Isaac because I hesitate when they ask me, “if you had to choose between helping a scared Porg cross the street and stop us from choking on the same kosher dill pickle that we’re eating Lady and the Tramp–style, which would you choose?”
- Allow my love of Porgs ruin my relationship with my beautiful wife of five years Lilah, who leaves me to pursue her dream of being a Rockette
- Demand Tumblr remove from their blogging platform any blog that contains the words “Porgs” and “trash” and does not also include the words “are not” in between those first two
- Lift up a car with an adrenaline rush to impress a Porg sitting at a café across the street, not to help my beautiful ex-wife Lilah who is trapped under a different, unrelated car
- Drink the weird seafoam-colored milk from that island creature’s groin teats like Luke did in The Last Jedi because I became unbelievably parched thinking about Porgs, the galaxy’s most perfect angel creatures
- Give the flowers I was planning to leave on my beautiful ex-wife Lilah’s grave after she dies tragically of Legs Fall Off Disease after making a full recovery from being trapped under the car to a Porg who needs them to build a nest for its little Porglettes
- Give my bones to the Porgs after I die
- Refuse under any and all circumstances to eat a Porg, even if we are both trapped on a desert island with nothing around and no hope for rescue, and even if I begin to fantasize about seeing the Porg as a small rotisserie chicken basting itself suggestively in a skillet. Even if the Porg is like “c’mon just eat me” I’ll stuff my mouth full of sand and say “no way, I am so stuffed and I couldn’t even think about eating anything, especially not my closest friend, a Porg”