Slamming Doors — Round 7

by Rudi Edsall and Ethan Meldrum

You know we don’t stuff around here at the The Greenfield Post.

Where others prefer to highlight the possible ‘sliding doors’ moments for this weekend’s footy, we’re more about slamming them shut.

St Kilda v GWS

The Saints had a ripping win last week but — and you’ll keep hearing this in 2017 — it was only Hawthorn. They did manage to kick mostly straight as well, except obviously for Josh Bruce. The Giants will offer more resistance than the Hawks this week, but then again so does wet single-ply toilet paper.

GWS had obviously been told to get all up in the Dogs’ faces last week, and Toby Greene took that advice a touch too literally — there’s apparently still parts of his knuckle in Caleb Daniel’s cheekbone.

PREDICTION: The Giants to do to St Kilda what Josh Bruce did to the goalpost in Launceston

North Melbourne v Adelaide

The Roos finally got off the mark last week, proving that the key to beating Gold Coast is to completely ignore Gary Ablett and just try and stop the other blokes. It was a significant departure from their game plan for most of 2017, which seems to amount to remembering that they’re not actually trying to win just in time to lose.

That probably won’t be an issue against the Crows this week — they slice teams up with the brutality of a Liberal treasurer cutting education funding. Really we should be thanking the Crows for the efficiency they displayed in disposing of Richmond and the clean up job they did on all our Facebook feeds this week.

PREDICTION: The wind at Blundstone Arena to keep the margin down to a more flattering 80 points in Adelaide’s favour

Carlton vs. Collingwood

The stage is set for the league’s greatest rivalry that really doesn’t feel like a rivalry. These two clubs hate each other, right? That far down the ladder, it’s hard to tell.

In more enlightening news for those who want to watch a reasonable standard of footy, Melbourne’s predicted to cop a shower or two on Saturday.

PREDICTION: It’d be wonderful if, after all the heroics of a win over Geelong, Collingwood managed to stuff this one up against Carlton. We think they’ll pull through. Just.

Port Adelaide vs. West Coast

As little as the general public will care, this is an intriguing clash between two sides who are gunning for a top eight spot, and perhaps more.

West Coast do empty their bowels whenever they set foot on a plane, but they have won four out of five at Adelaide Oval, so watch with interest.

PREDICTION: Port Adelaide to win, West Coast to take a moral victory after punting Tom Jonas’s head clean off his shoulders and onto the Adelaide Oval hill.

Gold Coast vs. Geelong

Geelong’s a powerhouse but last week against Collingwood proved they’re still susceptible to one epic banana skin of a game.

Having said that Gold Coast has been rinsed by two good sides in Adelaide at home and GWS, and their two wins have come over cellar dwellers Hawthorn (lol) and Carlton.

PREDICTION: Geelong to win and the football world to learn absolutely nothing, as per usual. 35 for Gary Ablett in his last outing against Geelong, probably.

Western Bulldogs vs. Richmond

We’re glad Tom Liberatore will feature here after being crushed by the human version of an industrial press in Shane Mumford last Friday. Last time he was discovered unconscious somewhere he missed the rest of the season.

It’ll be interesting to see what Richmond show here: they’ve played one good side this year and got completely bent over.

PREDICTION: Caleb Daniel versus Oleg Markov to be the ruck battle of the century. Bulldogs to win

Sydney v Brisbane

This match up is almost too depressing to make jokes about. We highly recommend that you do something else rather than watch this game — If you’re in Melbourne, Collingwood are playing the Northern Blues at Victoria Park in the VFL in a match up that will play out at a much higher standard than this match. In fact, your son’s under 9s game will be better than this.

Sydney really should win this game to get things rolling, but we’ve said that every week so who knows anymore?

PREDICTION: The only people that watch this will be journos and fans of the two teams — there’s not even any SuperCoach interest with Dayne Beams out

Melbourne v Hawthorn

The Dees are the latest team to get to fill their boots against the hapless Hawks, and getting to do it while Jordan Lewis is between suspensions will make it even sweeter for Melbourne fans. Unfortunately Jack Fitzpatrick won’t be getting on the park for Hawthorn to even up the former players score.

Hawthorn will be hoping that last week’s first half version of Melbourne will be the one that turns up this time around — if they do, the Hawks might be able to keep the margin down to around 60 points.

PREDICTION: Hawthorn fans asking after the game if Jordan Lewis was that much of a thug when he played for them. He was guys.

Fremantle v Essendon

This is by far the 4:40pm Sunday-est fixture to ever exist. Freo are still as boring to watch as they’ve ever been, and Essendon somehow have managed to have a whole bunch of cooked blokes in round 7. Funny what a year out of footy does.

The only reason we’ll be tuning is to see who Essendon are going to try and co-opt as a comeback hero this week — last week it was the Daniher brothers. Paul Vander Haar’s son is making his VFL debut this week for Casey, so maybe there’ll be a photo of the Flying Dutchman on the banner.

PREDICTION: By the end of this you’ll be begging for The Bounce to start so you can see something remotely watchable