A (Seemingly) Simple Question
Despite being the most populous ethnicity + gender combination in the world, it’s a question that isn’t easily answered by the internet for many reasons — here’s just a couple:
If you’re not an Asian male, why would you care?
It’s easy to ignore the problems when you’re unable to relate. But I humbly disagree with that disposition — in the last decade or so, the U.S. and many countries worldwide have started paying attention to so many other racial and gender groups that have seen much improvement in answering the question of “What does it mean to be a [insert race]/[insert gender] today?” It’s amazing to see how many support groups have sprung up for African-Americans, women, the LGTBTQ+ community, and more — so many of these groups have strong, unified communities and resources despite being a smaller group than the Asian males.
Why can’t we give the same incredible support and strength for our community?
If you are an Asian male, and have had the courage to ask yourself a similar question online or through your Asian communities, you may come to realize many Asian males believe finding a partner is the solution to all problems regarding identity.
A look at the AsianMasculinity subreddit reveals a clear pattern about what it potentially means to be an Asian male: a constant, never-ending struggle with dating (here’s an example of one recently). Even when speaking with my personal Asian friends, dating has become a “joke” that everyone can easily throw digs at, but it’s the largest insecurity in the room that never gets addressed. And I can understand why. It’s easier to just look for a quick solution online to increase our dating options or any advice that pumps us up, rather than to reflect and try to understand why as a community and personally, we all place such a strong emphasis on getting a romantic partner when we have other below-the-surface problems we have not solved.
To me, the crux of this dating problem among Asian males speaks volumes about how little we know on what it means to be an Asian male today.
Isn’t it obvious? Asian males are the “model minorities!”
As if “model minorities” are ideal and the best community to be a part of. It’s ironic to me that Asians are considered to be the “model minorities” and the Tiger Mom story becomes a viral success due to juicy details about verbal and emotional abuse in an Asian household. It always comes down to the superficial results on paper that people deem as incredible — such as getting into Ivy League schools and scoring strong internships. Yet, we decide to completely ignore all the instances of emotional trauma growing up and never being able to find satisfaction for the rest of our adulthood. To me, the “model minority” simply means the community that follows society’s rules and never tries to question their own path to creatively define their own success.
It is why, despite all the advanced degrees, money made, or upward career trajectories many Asian males have, I see it as just a huge show to hide all the insecurities, dissatisfaction, and loneliness under their skin.
Ask any Asian male if they feel they are a “model minority” despite being labelled one — I guarantee most of them will disagree with that classification.
There are many, many more reasons than the ones I listed above, but it’s fairly obvious that despite a simple question, it has a deceptively difficult answer.
And the Answer is…
There is no one correct answer for what an Asian male should be.
If you have read this far, you have already gone above and beyond what many Asian males would have done — and that is to be honest and vulnerable enough with yourself to understand that there is no one simple answer for being an Asian male.
To go one step further, there is no singular answer that fits all Asian males — we are all different with our own unique set of personalities and experiences — don’t let nobody else tell you different. But what I can definitely tell you is that there are similar life instances that many of us have all felt that we could resonate with each other. Let me give you some examples and then share a little about my journey, so far.
Whether you went to an Ivy League, currently work at FANG/Wall Street, or hit all the career marks that many people would be envious of, you don’t feel satisfied at all. You may feel there are only a few employment options that yield success: banking, software engineering, doctors, or lawyers. It feels like you can never live out your full potential — so you seek out these “career options” to boost your financial situation.
You hear a familiar and frustrating echo in the back of your head that shouts “Get that MBA.” Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Besides, everyone else is doing it and society seems to certainly respect that. In fact, it seems like every professional these days eventually resorts to just chasing after the highest paying job that will make them be considered “successful”…
But just when you thought you made it — and your career seems on track, another problem finds its way to your nest — loneliness and an absent or unsatisfying dating life. The cycle of problems seems to never end and only starts looking bigger and bigger as we let time slide by.
I’ll be straight with you, I went to NYU Business School — I can tell you that my parents considered that a second-rate college compared to Ivy Leagues (honestly, nuts). I graduated and did not become an investment banker — I felt like a failure for a few years grinding out in financial compliance, also known as the back-office corporate jobs. And my dating pool has never been fruitful — I always felt unconfident about my dating ability especially when I see my other non-Asian friends going on multiple dates each weekend.
But for many years, most people would have never guessed that’s the way I felt inside — which was empty, unfulfilling, and pathetic. They only saw the side I wanted to show, which was superficially confident in front of the public without ever wanting to be seen as vulnerable. On the inside, I was constantly exhausted with putting up a fake facade in front of friends and family — I wasn’t excited about my career, uncertain about my life decisions, and dreaded the lack of dating options.
Even if there were other Asians who felt the same way, I was unable to find a strong community online nor was able to strike up an intimate conversation with my Asian male friends who resonated with my experiences.
What’s Holding us Back?
The fact of the matter is, as Asian males, we grew up with ingrained beliefs and cultural norms that do not naturally propel us in talking about our personal vulnerabilities and emotions. Many of us keep our thoughts locked up in our chest and hope that one day, it will all magically be solved through financial gains or a new partner in our life. It’s no wonder there are few and lesser known programs tailored specifically for Asian males - low supply due to low demand based off of our biased beliefs and norms.
This is, by far, the toughest realization to swallow — Asian males have two mental blocks that continue to make our strive for vulnerability difficult: we face negative attitudes regarding our own personal health in Asian beliefs (never showing weakness, feeling constantly ungrateful in family) and we tackle the male stereotypes that are forced upon Asians (shy, introverted, nerdy).
Trust me, there are many of us who feel the same way about where we are in life — you are not the only one, I promise you that. We are simply refusing to take the time to truly examine ourselves on a personal level and continuing to live life out according to the norms that do not necessarily make us satisfied or happy.
From the beginning, I asked the question, “What does it mean to be an Asian male today?” I intentionally wanted to grab your attention if you resonated with the experiences I wrote about and believe that changes must be made in our community to better tackle the issue as a whole. But coming down to a more personal level, the better question that I’d like to pose for all Asian males is: “What does it mean to be you, today?” This is not supposed to be an easy question — but it’s the main question I would like everyone to bear in mind as you learn to explore yourself as an individual.
I’ll share a personal one from me — I would like to provide resources and mentorship to the Asian male community that I never had growing up and in adulthood. Over the last couple years, I have been successful in navigating the tough mental waters of being an Asian male and succeeded in living a life according to my own values.
In the next few weeks, I want to share my specific vulnerable experiences and breakdown and dispel the many beliefs and stereotypes that hold our individual self and communities back from reaching our full potential. I hope I am able to resonate with you and continue to build out strong resources for the Asian male community. Please feel free to send me an email if you’d like to share your story or add a comment below — I look forward to connecting!
