It’s not enough that you think you love me. I should also feel loved.

I don’t.

People move on and leave me. I am a convenient, safe way to dream. They retreat into me to lick their wounds, hide from the world while they plan their escape. And then they are gone and I am still here, left with the scraps and mess they are free to walk away from.

They never look back to see if I’m ok. They are just gone.


Have no expectations

just let me be

me.


The memories of your touch seizes my loneliness and strangles it with despair.


’Tis a dangerous game, dancing this close together, dressed only in our souls.


I want to have a love affair with you.

I want to be unstable with you and not scare you into thinking I won’t be strong when it’s needed.

I want to weave your scent into my work and still own it entirely.


I need someone who can consume me but not destroy who are am and someone I can consume but not destroy.


“Have you ever thought about me…about us — ”

“ — you’d break me…” he protested as she touched her velvet to his, inhaling the crumbs of his soul through her parted lips.


“Is everything ok?”

No! Nothing is ok. I’m lonely and scared… I need to be touched and touch you! I feel incomplete, small and insignificant… unloved and unlovable. Nothing. Is. Ok.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“It’s gonna storm later. Make sure the windows are down.”

“Ok.”


I mistook your invite as a friendship you could not offer. You were also not on stable footing.

All you could offer was an embrace as we fell, the ground swallowing us both.


I have no companionship daily, except the dogs, which I am convinced have been forced upon me to keep me from leaving. This latest run of no intimacy has persisted now more than eight years, with no end in sight. The loneliness tears my soul; as unbearable as a large clock thundering the passing of each minute.

The dogs are getting older; I can see it in their step. The person on whom I had hoped for companionship chips away at my self-esteem with every chance she gets, whether from bitterness, resentment or fear, I can’t ascertain.

I’m always looking…

Rufus Shepherd

My name is Rufus Shepherd. You followed me here. www.rufusshep.com

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