Taco Bell’s Late Night Munchy Cure Closing Down on College Campuses

The partying has sadly come to an end, and as you somehow make it back to campus, the only thing on your mind is the sweet smell of those Crunch Wrap Supremes and Chicken Quesadillas. When you don’t have a friend willing to stay with your drunk ass, the friend who is always there without fail is Taco Bell.

To the chagrin of college students nationwide, rumor has it CollegeBoard will be closing Taco Bells on all college campuses in an attempt to curb the ever-rising undergraduate weight gain rates.

In response, rising FSU freshman frat start Joseph Antognoli states, “I don’t get it. Like how is this going to make me lose weight. There’s still Subway, Chipotle, Pizza Hut, and McDonalds. Like yea I’ll miss Quesadillas but it’s not like I’m going to stop eating.” Defying all constraints of the “Freshman 15.” Antognoli gained an impressive 18lbs before Thanksgiving break, a number that came as no surprise to his loving Italian parents who commented, “The boy just loves to eat!”

Pictured: Antognoli and father making pizza in 2007

Regardless of Antognoli’s experiences, college students across the country are rallying against this absurd proposal, sparking on-campus protests that have gotten to levels as outrageous as throwing half-eaten quesadillas onto academic buildings, writing aggressive slander on buildings using T-Bell’s “Special Sauce,” and even physically harassing Taco Bell workers.

CollegeBoard is taking the uproar into serious consideration, but the fate of students’ late night munchy cure is still up in the air.