Tech Startup Invents Device to Decode Why Mom is Crying

We’ve all been there before. The candles are lit, illuminating the glimmering droplets of steak grease. Dad remembered to shave. Your younger brother just made his little league baseball team. The new puppy is officially potty trained. All is well. You gaze around the table imprinting this precious moment deep within your memory. The dinner seems to be running smoothly and before you know it the waterworks begin, and the rest of the family sits staring blankly at the crying menopausal mother, wondering what it possibly could have been that ignited such emotion. At first, it’s just a drop, and you hesitantly sit back in your cushioned chair thinking you’re in the clear. But then…boom. Tsunami strikes the perfectly creased linens covering grandma’s wooden hand-me-down table. There’s no turning back now.

As dad ponders over whether or not he overdid the meat, the confused teenagers look at each other and try to remember their most recent curfew break or drunken rendezvous that could have potentially been leaked to the saddened mother. After moments of silence, you begin to think that maybe it’s the all too familiar “happy cry,” and you’ve survived yet another trip to mom’s raging waters. Regardless of the origin of the tears, ambiguity continues to fill American households, as no one is ever quite able to decode exactly why mom is crying.

Thanks to recent technological advances, a Silicon Valley startup is rumored to have cracked the code — developing a device to immediately inform family members the origin of mom’s tears coined Tear Decoder.

In a lightweight dial (that mothers can either wear around the neck or wrist), sensors on the dial are able to first sense whether it is a “happy” or “sad” cry to immediately send a text alert to surrounding family members of the nature of the cry. Who wants to actually ask mom what’s wrong? No one. Thanks to the handy text-alert function, you won’t even have to look up from your phone to know what’s wrong. After this is revealed, the barometer falls on a scale that varies for happy or sad (Sad barometers respectively can fall anywhere between “Mufasa Dying in Lion King” to the tragic “Death of Family Member” while Happy barometers range from “Nemo Finding Dad at End of Movie” to “First Daughter’s Wedding”).

Wherever you are, at any time of day, the Tear Decoder will always keep you informed on where mom’s emotions are. With tons of levels in between, the Tear Decoder is rumored to be available for the low California price of $799.99 in any local Brookstone. Stop wondering, start knowing.

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