Don’t you just wanna seem important? And other questions I have been asked about my gender identity.
So, I started identifying as genderqueer just a few months ago and have been surprised sometimes by the questions asked of me. I didn’t always have an adequate answer on the spot so I thought I would write a itty bitty rant page here to inform people a little but also just to make myself feel better. Here it goes:
Do you just use neutral pronouns to give you a reason to kick-start a dialogue on gender with people?
No. I do not use neutral pronouns to give me a leeway into discussing gender and queerness with people but yes, introducing people to my pronouns often will lead into these types of discussions anyway. And that is generally a good thing in my opinion, if it is helping people to broaden their minds and teaching people about life outside of the binary. However, I do not always feel like having to explain myself at length to people. I wish people would be more accepting or else just PISS OFF. (Okay maybe piss off was a bit harsh but sometimes I just think ‘If you want to be my friend/have a ‘civil’ conversation with me/earn my respect then address me correctly’).
Aren’t you re-enforcing gender stereotypes or accepting them when you dress/act/identify the way you do?
Some people suggest that if I do not believe in the finality of the binary then I should not care about pronouns and presentation at all. They think that by not wearing ‘feminine clothes’ or by not conforming to one specific gender representation that I am inadvertently accepting that the stereotypes are played up to and have meaning. They think that I am trying to make an anti-establishment statement with the way I dress and identify but that I am somehow failing with this. They cannot seem to understand that I dress in the way that makes me comfortable and that I identify in that way too. Of course, there is a lot of discomfort within this comfort as I am constantly mis-pronouned/ignored/not taken seriously. For some reason people don’t seem to get why being called the wrong pronouns might upset me. Yes, I know that stereotypes exist e.g.: woman as emotional/bossy/weak/caring/domestic and I also know that these stereotypes do not represent the majority of people because everyone is different. I am not trying to worm myself away from ‘female traits’ so as to be seen as non-female (I don’t know how I would ever get away from being emotional) nor am I trying to become more ‘masculine’. I am trying to express me for me whilst coming to terms with the fact that I am uncomfortable with the label plonked on me when I was hurled onto this earth. I am not really sure if I answered the question actually, but I told some truths, so have at it.
Aren’t you just trying to force people to be politically correct?
This is one of the more ridiculous ones that I have gotten. Actually the person did not formulate a question; they said: ‘I don’t get all this being politically correct stuff’. And it was most certainly with regards to gender as I was trying to explain why I use neutral pronouns. This came from someone seemingly ‘alternative’ who is pretty intertwined in lefty activism. Apparently my identity is the epitome of political correctness. I tried to simplify the situation by saying to them something like: ‘If you were called Bob, you wouldn’t want me to call you Mary, would you? Well similarly, I don’t use she/her and therefore do not want you to use that for me either’.
Don’t you just want to sound more important? I mean…isn’t it like the ‘royal we’?
One person said that using a pronoun that was also a plural made me sound like I was trying to seem important. Of course, ‘they’ has been used as a neutral pronoun way before the word genderqueer became part of our rhetoric, but they ignored that part. They seemed to think I was trying to be like the queen or something. It was kind of like ‘how dare you try to do anything that different?’ Well, I can assure you that I am not trying to paint myself in a superior light. But if you want to do that for me you can call ‘Lordette Rum III’ if you prefer. I think I would quite like that actually.
Why does it even matter what pronouns people use for you? Why don’t you just accept that not everyone is gonna do it right?
Well, that’s a silly question. For me that is bit like saying ‘why does it matter that the media is unrepresentative and heteronormative, can’t you just accept that people of minority/other identities won’t be represented?’ I know that people are not going to be able to deal with the whole gender fluid/non-binary stuff straight away because of the way that we are force-fed heteronorms from birth but if I just ‘accept’ not being addressed correctly then how are things ever gonna change? Okay, so it would be good if I didn’t get so angry and upset…and I am totally trying to work on that, but sometimes I feel like my feelings are quite justified. Which leads me onto the next question…
Why do you get so upset? Surely you should approach the matter in a positive light?
Okay, so I do believe in the power of positivity but I also believe that rage has helped to bring people together in the past too. It is passion for our rights and collective desire for change put into action that will make the change we want to see. But yes, I know that me sulking in a corner won’t help. And why do I get upset? I get upset because I have the privilege to be able to come out as a queer non-binary person to my family and friends and yet most of them are still unable to identify me in the correct way. So it must be bloody shit for those who are not in a position to do so. I am upset because I constantly feel pressure (by outside forces but also by myself) to conform to some kind of easily expressible and identifiable category. I am upset because I have to choose between male and female when filling out forms. I am upset because many people say they don’t give a shit what pronoun I use for them without realising that they may be making it difficult for people who are gender non-conforming to say which pronouns they use. I am upset because the more I discover about my own queer identity, the more difficult for me it is to do anything remotely Jewish and that feels somewhat like identity loss. I am upset because I get a period every month and I don’t know how to relate to that fact at the moment. I am upset because sometimes I just want to seem like a non-gendered being but there is no easy way of expressing that in this world. I feel upset because that’s what I need to feel sometimes in order to express myself creatively.
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My sister said that when my family do not use the right pronouns it isn’t because they don’t take me seriously, it is just that they need time to get used to it, which is probably right. I am sure that this is the way for friends who mis-pronoun me too. People have pointed out that it may be my own uncertainties about being accepted that are influencing my malaise more than anything else. And, yes this is also a part of it I am sure, because I have a great fear of rejection. I have always been the strange one in the family and also one of the more sensitive people too. In my down times I tend to ponder on the idea that I am the laughing stock of the family too- that maybe everybody secretly things that I will wake up in 10 years, decide that I am a cisgender heterosexual female who wants to get a well-paid translation job and get married to a Jewish businessman under a chuppah. It is weird that I would think this, though, because my family isn’t exactly ‘normative’ itself. But I do tend to catastrophise, don’t I?
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So anyway, I am totally up to receiving advice about:
A) How to go about the whole pronoun thing without feeling uncomfortable/stupid/angry/upset
B) How to get more at peace with the idea that not everyone will use the right pronouns straight away and that some people simply never will
C) How to stop having anxiety dreams (okay I know I didn’t mention that one before but I would still like some advice!)
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Love love love and some rage
Lara aka Rum
