Ready or not?
My baby is so far away, and while I knew I would miss him, I hadn’t quite realized just how much! I haven’t spoken to him for the past two days and it feels like eternity. How could he have gotten so big so soon? Wasn’t he just born? I can vividly remember the both of us holding him in that hospital blanket, and yet he’s 450kms away trekking and camping at Sharavati valley with his school friends and without any of us…
I still remember the first time I felt this way. He was just about 3 months old and had stopped being pre-occupied with the ceiling fan (something he had diligently spent the first three months of his life doing). He now had a whole wondrous world to be fascinated with. I remember having blogged about whether Mr.fan missed the attention he got for those 3 months.
Through this rewarding journey of 11 years, I have experienced that feeling so many times. When his first tooth popped out, he was almost 11 months old! Far from being happy, we were actually sad because we missed his charming toothless smile. Having teeth represented a sign of growing up after all. The first time he went to school was tougher on us than him, especially when he sat in that baby police car and begged for us to come back. It felt so heartless that Shakti and I waited outside the closed school gate for the entire 3 hour duration.
The most recent instance was when he finished the sprint distance of a triathlon-750m of swimming, 20kms of cycling and 5 kms of running. I saw my tiny little baby, all of 10 struggle to complete the first lap in that huge olympic swimming pool. He was struggling for breath, and yet he went on. “I can’t watch this!” I said and walked to my volunteering position. I was ready to shower him with praise and encouragement for having tried nevertheless. 30 minutes passed-no sign of him, but soon enough, running towards the starting post was our little Khopu-smiling and excited to start cycling! After that, there was no stopping him. I was so overwhelmed when he finished that even tears fell short…
I had always considered myself a very chilled out mom-someone who’d easily be able to let go without any melodrama. Both of us had wanted to bring up sensitive and independent kids, and sure enough both of them are that and more. With every day that passes by, the beauty with which he asserts his independence is as fascinating as it is (I must admit), sometimes annoying. I try pulling stunts like, “Hello, you’re just 10!” or, “Only adults can have these privileges.” And I must say, it’s never worked for me! Earlier, I used to very matter of factly talk to him about leaving home in a few years to pursue his own interests, and he would swear he’s never going. I loved when he did that. It made me feel like he was still so tiny, still a baby. And now he’s already making plans about all the places he could go, eager to jump at the prospect of travelling alone! I always knew that it would soon be time when we’d have to let go, but nobody ever tells you that the ‘soon’ would be ‘this soon!’
I know he’s out there making memories for a lifetime. I know he’s responsible and very capable of taking care of himself. And yet I sit here writing this, terribly missing him; Amazed by the way they’re growing up and at the same time wishing earnestly for them to become little babies again… Don’t really seem that chilled out a mom, eh… Am I already supposed to be equipped to deal with empty nesting? But I’m not READY yet!
