Grind Until You Shine!
But got damn I want it now!
Within the traffic congested commute to the place where I spent most of my days. The world seemed possible. I googled how to get to a faraway beach community. I want to do it by bike. That ride would take more than just a day. It would be a distance I have never rode before. Further than I have ever pushed my body.
Then the work day started. I felt the familiar crust of blown in insulation coat my body. Oh how I hate it. There is no way around it. I hate blown in insulation. It is always either covered in dust, dirt, or rat crap. Somehow my mind wandered back to my first encounter with that easy installation insulation.
Well more specifically it rolled back to a time when I was with someone. Working through the week, so I could snuggle next to a person I cared about. It wasn’t a bad life. But it ended. Unlike working with blown in insulation I was sad to see that it ended.
Yet, I realized many things from that experience of committing to another person. Well full disclosure here, I will use the word “Committed” Loosely.
I was/am a scum bag. I was on the lookout for something better. Pretty much throughout the entire duration of three years. We face an abundance of choices. Especially with all the dating apps that are out there. I will admit that the 36 months we were together I had an active dating app for an approximate 24 months.
Which brings me to the epiphany I had today. I often think of what advice I would give to my son. The advice I would give would be is “Cheating/infidelity. It’s something that you should experience. Because you will find that it is very temporary, and has lasting harsh consequences. It is never harmless. Everyone will find out about it in due time. The guilt hurts more than anything you will know. Once trust is destroyed, it can never be put back together.”
With those words spoken I can take a moment and reflect on the past. We all want to say that we are different from what we used to be. It would be splendid if people could change. However, I cannot attest to a personal change. I can admit that I understand more about what it means to be with a person.
It’s not the overt romantic gestures.
It’s not the amount of money you spend to impress.
It is about the vulnerability.
It is about the trust you gain from that vulnerability.
It is about the feeling a person creates within you.
It is about the feeling you create in a person.
Sounds simple right?
Well yeah, it is actually quite simple. We’ve just got to get out of our own ways sometimes. Love is one of those things that your cup must be overfilled. But you’ve got to grab the bottle of wine called life and pour it yourself. Once your glass is full then you can pour for someone else. No one else is going to love you if you don’t love yourself first.
That’s what this year is about. Finding out what I truly love. Keeping promises to myself. Not relying on impulses to guide my actions. To think, to feel, to be better.
Which brings us back to the importance of daily habits. I’ll be honest somedays I hate this. Some days I feel like no good comes from this moment of talking about me. Yet, if I don’t do this and don’t get these thoughts out and they just stay swirling around in my mind. I won’t confront them. I won’t rise to the challenge.
I am so damn impatient too! I want this now. Numbers and values are just arbitrary to me. In the mornings I feel damn near unstoppable. Then slowly the feeble facts of life start to pour in. I get mad. I get the feedback I don’t want. I get frustrated at my station in life. When I come home from “Work” I am so irritated that I bring everyone down. It is not until I read something, that I can finally start to move again.
This is a wild tangent of words. Incoherent in purpose, just a collection of thoughts that occurred to me today. What is cool though, is even though it is late, I still make time to do this. I do find some value within it. I hope you do to. Thank you for your time. You must keep going.
As always
Hang Tough!
Live Boldly!
Onward!
