No One is Going to Read this ANYWAYS
These are just thoughts.
These words are nothing more than pixels highlighted on a screen.
There is no meaning to them.
Much like the dots that make up the images on a screen an individual has the same impact.
If that person or pixel, goes black, nothing changes.
It is when a series of pixels or people go dark that error occurs.
So be contrary, be better. Maybe you can inspire someone not to lose light.
I am not feeling like myself today. Usually, I am cheerful and upbeat. My current mood is quite the contrary. I feel like all my efforts are in vain. Small triggers can make that happen. I don’t want to write these words. Not that it matters to anyone else but me.
Some external validation would be appreciated, but that’s not why I got in this business. I write because I feel like I have something to say. I write because it is a challenge. A challenge that other people often disregard or forget how to do. I am not saying I know how to do it. I know that my mind is a loose connection of barely relatable ideas.
“When ever day is average and you are stuck up on the land without a captain.”- Lil Dicky.
Every day is starting to drag. I say I am making all this progress, but am I really?
The mental resistance is tough today. It would be easy to become discouraged. I know what happens when I quit though. The exact same thing that I am doing. AHHH FUCK!
Still living at home. Still not rolling in the bankroll. Still paying debt off. What is the purpose of going then?
Honestly, there is no purpose. We are just specks of cosmic dust, throughout the infinite universe. Our lives are not even a fraction of a fraction in regards to the proper span of time.
But shit! How do I fill my time? My focus is grabbed in every which way, but no off those things really give me any pleasure. I hate my current living situation. I hate everything about myself. The vague promises, the vague dreams that keep succumbing to reality.
Why do I always have to be the stupid fuck, to reach out to people? Why the fuck does anyone else care about how the fuck I feel? I could become cynical and say that in contemporary narcissistic society, everyone is self-involved. The truth is I haven’t given them a reason to care. See the above expletives about why they should care.
It is cathartic to go on a rant. To despise everything that makes me, me. Because it is those same god damn qualities that have given me the life I live.
No one is going to read these words anyways. So let the words of disgust roll out. Let the hate inspire action. Action to self-improve. I always talk about, getting out my comfort zone. I must use the angst I am feeling to go get better.
I hate the fact that I have these lofty ambitions but don’t do anything to get closer to them, because they are just that! A pie in the sky hope. that doesn’t go anywhere.
I am tired of being alone. I am tired of sleeping where I sleep. I am tired of being sub par at fucking everything. I am tired of falling into deeper debt. Because of poor choices.
I am tired of the answer in the obligatory response of good whenever someone asks me how I am doing. I am tired of not being taken seriously.
I am tired of just getting by when I do the things that should make me thrive. I hate everything. Everything can take a big gulp of FUCK YOU.
I am angry, to say the least. I am frustrated.
So what the fuck am I going to do to change it? Fuck I don’t know.
Are you going to quit the things that make you feel like you are improving?
I just want some pat on the back. Something was somewhere letting me know that all hope isn’t lost. I am not crazy. I can be something if I focus enough time to it.
I haven’t felt a breast in over a fucking year. I do not know how to present myself. I don’t believe in selfies, and I don’t like to ask for people to take my photos.
Shit life can be tough if we make it so. Well, I would rather have a shitty day than the alternative.