10 Things I’ve Learned From 10+ Years of Dating.
I don’t know if it’s because of my recent love affair with Ariana Grande’s song “Thank You, Next”, or the Cosmo article I flicked through 24 hours post-break-up entitled “Shout Out To My Exes”, but I found myself picking up my well used journal this morning and ominously documenting the one list I’ve avoided to acknowledge for fear of being struck down by lightning— all the men* that have come and gone over the past 10 years.
*For some, that is a generous term. Ohhh, she went there.
It wasn’t an exercise of numbers, although I know some would be curious to know the total, it was an opportunity to reflect. And to cringe, let’s be honest. Some relationships were brief, some brutal, but all had become buried somewhere in my mind.
I began digging up the memories, trying to remember timelines and sometimes names. The more I remembered the more it felt like I was rummaging through a drawer crammed full of rubbish and forgotten memorabilia. You know the type? The place you shove all your photographs as you promise yourself you’ll put them in an album some day. It’s like Spring has come when you hold your breath and begin to tackle all that you’ve hoarded; clearing out old key-rings with pictures of old friends cut to fit, school reports, birthday cards from family you never see… you reminisce, reflect. Emotions of joy and nostalgia come flooding back. And always, the recognition for how much has changed over time becomes clear.
Just like this, my list showed me how much has changed not only in my life circumstantially, but also how these experiences have shaped me whether I’ve acknowledged them or not. Every name I jotted down was a reminder of some level of heartache, yes, but I couldn’t help but view each as some kind of marker for the many lessons I’ve learned along the way.
So in honour of the Ghosts of Ruth’s Dating Past here are 10 lessons I’ve learned over 10+ Years of Dating:
1. You Force It, You Break It | Who else has been here? I know I’m not the only one. This is one I’ve learned not just to apply to relationships but when I’m buying clothes. You know those times when you’re contemplating removing a lung just so you can zip that dress up? We force those shoes onto our feet, apologising to our pinky toe for yet another night of hugging his neighbour and the patent leather wall of our stiletto — I swear if my feet where people they’d be in therapy for claustrophobia. In all seriousness though. Tell me I’m not the only one that has tried, oh how I’ve tried, to make a relationship work? You try, you hope, you pray, and no matter what you do, you can’t shake that feeling, that thought; you know the same one you get with the shoes? Something my Granny always reminds me of is, “Fits Find Each Other”. And sometimes we have to succumb to the fact that some shoes aren’t the fit for us. We’re always welcome to try of course, but I’ve spent too many years wearing shoes that didn’t fit, and I’m refusing to do it anymore. It’s funny, because I know this is a metaphor for relationships, but I’ve also spent too many years choosing fashion over comfort, and I’m done with that too. There’s nothing cute about bunions, just saying.
2. Love is Not Limited | The older I get the more I have to remind myself of this fact. What do I mean exactly? Love isn’t just found in the eyes of a significant other. Love can be found in friendships, and family connections, even the bottom of a coffee cup if your addiction is anything like mine. For so many years I didn’t believe I was truly loved unless I was being told so by the opposite sex. Scary, I know. But I can honestly say that I have never experienced love like the love in some of my female (and some male) friendships. I was so caught up in searching for love in all the wrong places that I neglected to recognise the love that was right in front of me the whole time. I listened to an incredibly entertaining podcast by the Guilty Feminist entitled “Female Friendships” that opened my eyes to the unique and irreplaceable value in female friendships. And as a result I can’t help but feel deep gratitude for the women in my life. The love they’ve shown me over the years through their encouraging messages, the shared tears, and the many shots of tequila have been what has carried me through all the failed relationships and lost love. To limit our experience of love to only one person that we must “find” is dangerous for the most part, but it’s deliberately depriving ourselves of something that is readily found in those already standing right in front of us.
3. I am Body, Soul*, & Spirit | I wrote a short poem a few years ago identifying these three aspects of my personhood. All three equally as important as the other. All three with their own needs, their own boundaries, and their own means of expression. And with that being said, all three are to be acknowledged — not necessarily accepted, but for any relationship to be healthy there needs to be a recognition that all three are present, all three are brought into the relational space simultaneously and need to be tended to as such. You do not get to separate them from each other, as much as we attempt to sometimes, all coexist and are interconnected. Too often I have given one part knowing the others were not being acknowledged never mind tended to. In typical Ruth fashion I’ve learned the hard way that if I am to give myself to another it is to give myself fully, all three parts, and only when all three will be acknowledged, respected, and loved. *Soul=Mind, Emotion, & Will.
4. No Means No | Given the current social climate surrounding sexual assault and the #MeToo campaign I tentatively write this. It has taken me a long time to truly understand what it means to be autonomous, to exercise independence, and to have my voice heard. And it has taken me equally as long to recognise that to be active in these is a privilege at the best of times and a necessity at the worst. Either way, success is not imminent, something I have experienced all too well in some relationships. Despite boundaries being breeched, wishes being scoffed at, and respect being a foreign concept in some cases I have continued to persevere, and I will continue to support and educate those that are struggling to do the same.
5. Ghosting is Real | This one I leant through personal experience. Shoutout to Gary the Ghost. For those of you who do not know what “Ghosting” is, let me define it for you:
Noun. Ghosting, derived from the verb, to Ghost, meaning, to date someone consecutively for an indefinite amount of time followed by radio silence.
I’m assuming the term is used primarily because it is as if the person has in fact died, dropped off the face of the planet, deceased to exist — but you know they’re still floating about out there somewhere. I couldn’t allow myself to believe that someone could be so cowardice, mean-spirited, and down right rude as to just stop responding to messages, refusing to give any inclination of life, or feedback for that matter — I’m always open to some dating feedback, you know. In my naivety, I searched the obituaries in the local paper. When I informed my work colleagues that now men were quite literally dying to get away from me, they enlightened me of this new craze called Ghosting.
6. Singleness Is Not A Disease | This could be a blog post all by itself if I’m honest. It’s weird, singleness is something I have strong opinions about and something I’ve wanted to write about frequently but when you’re in a relationship it can just come across as patronising, awkward, or hypocritical to say the least. You know the old “There’s plenty more fish in the sea” or better yet “You don’t need a man” said by happily married lady of 15 years with 6 kids and a dog called Susan. But here I am, back on that old familiar bandwagon with the rest of you singletons travelling down the road to nowhere feeling like we’re being exiled from happy couple land where everything is sold in twos. I’m just being facetious. But seriously. This one is less of a lesson learned and more of a truth I need to remind myself of daily. Singleness is not a sentence to be endured it’s actually a freedom to be enjoyed. But it’s up to me to decide which view I want to take when I look at it. The average rate of divorce at the minute is 1/2. The average length of a marriage is 8.2 years with an average age of women being 27 when they get married and men being 29. “Not being prepared for marriage” is the most common reason for divorce by couples in their 20s, with “Unrealistic expectations” being in the top 10 reasons for failed marriages in general. So do I really want to adopt the Noah’s Arc mentality, ignore my Granny’s advice, and end up right back here, single, by the time I’m 35? Or, I could harness my passions, do what makes me happy, spend my money how I like, use my time how I like, and if someone comes along, well, cool. And if not, I’ll still have lived a life I’m proud of.
7. Who Am I? | Deep, right? I love a good philosophical nose dive into deep questions like this. Trying to find what I’m looking for in the murky waters is a full on expedition that’s for sure. And it’s something I’m discovering I do better on my own — at least for now. It’s important to understand what this question is asking, it’s not something that will result in a definitive answer, I don’t believe anyway, and it’s not to be mixed up with our values either, I don’t think. It’s more to do with self expression, self acceptance, and ultimately the willingness for continual self discovery. We are ever-changing, a key reason why this question is separate from “What do I believe or value?”, the answers to these questions are usually unwavering. Imagine them to be the foundation we begin to build who we are upon. And throughout life we will tear down and rebuild who we are. Even when we look at different aspects of our present life we have different structures in place for different situations i.e. the answer to the question will look different when you look at your family, your friendships, your work place, the gym, etc. and our integrity and authenticity comes from our foundation as opposed to the structure we build upon it. For me, I’ve gone through some effort to go as far as dig up some of those more concrete foundational beliefs before I’ve begun to even look at what I’ve built upon it. And from that I’ve found myself standing now at a newly curated base from which I am to begin building. Daunting, yes. Exciting, you better believe it. Over this past year I have stripped away a lot from my life with the intention of rebuilding it somewhere else with someone else. Now that my plan has not come to pass it is an opportunity for me to begin to dream again, plot and plan again, and freely and without fear ask myself the question “Who Am I?” in this new stage of life.
8. Every Body is Different | Is anyone else sick of seeing Kardashian-esque behinds everywhere? Or maybe you’re one of those people working tirelessly to achieve the “perfect” figure. Look, I will never look like the majority of women on my Instagram feed, not because I don’t work hard enough at the gym (or ever), not because I don’t eat enough Kale or drink enough water, and most certainly not because I am not “Boss” enough, or “Sass Queen of the Year”. Girl, you can come for my body, but don’t ever think you can come for my character. How’s that for Sass [insert winky-tongue emoji]? In all seriousness though, it’s one thing for us to compare our bodies to others but when that nonsense starts to create a negative impact on how we view ourselves internally, we’re in for some serious problems. I will never look like Kim Kardashian because I don’t look like Kim Kardashian, I look like Ruth Weir. How many Cats do you see trying to look like Birds? Zero. How many Fish do you see trying to climb their way out of the ocean and swing on a tree like a Monkey? (Note: this is not an evolutionary debate.) None. Nil. Nada. All this comparison begins with the external but eventually it starts to dismantle the pieces of us that are worth so much more than the size of your butt. A helpful piece of work I do with young female clients struggling with body image and comparison is drawing a person and labelling head to toe what each body part is for, everything from you skin to your shitter. And that’s the one part they always take away from it — your butt is for sitting on and pooping from. Ultimately. So why on earth do we need it to be the size of a shipping container? Does it make it more comfortable to perch on a bench? Does it enable you to achieve the bowel movements you’d hope for? Probably not. When we begin to break down the why behind the want, we will either be able to laugh it off and re-evaluate, placing our energy into things that matter, or we will begin to discover there is something deeper at work within us. What has any of this to do with dating I hear you ask? So much. How often do we compare ourselves to someone’s ex? Don’t leave me hanging. I know you love a good Instagram stalk. How often do we view others and assume they must always get the guy because they look a certain way? The list could go on — and that’s the point. I’ve learned that I should not be embarrassed or shamed by the things that make me different from anyone else, those are actually the things that are deliberately there to separate me, help me stand out from all the other girls. So in trying to morph them into something like everyone else, I’m hiding myself away from being seen, being known, and being loved for who I truly am.
9. Be Patient | My dear friend, and fellow writer, Mackenzie sent me an uplifting message this morning with words that filled my lungs with fresh air, and reminded me to “Own Your Brilliant Self” and not to forget the purpose in all things. Her words were not the typical cliche that you might assume. Something about them struck a chord in me that I hadn’t heard before. They challenged me to step into singleness with expectation — not of another coming to take my hand, but rather that my hands will be filled with so much more, too much to be concerned with the list of men that have gone and those that will try to find their place in line. But filling up my cup will take some time and so I must exercise patience. Patience. Patience. Patience. Where for art thou Patience? Anyone got some to spare? I don’t know what happened in my childhood — I can’t even blame it on the whole instant technological gratification crisis because I’m too old — but I have zero patience. I want things done yesterday. I am quite a reflective person by nature but somewhere along the way their is a disconnect. Sometimes I feel like it’s some sort of cruel joke that I instinctively need to reflect and learn, but I want the new found knowledge to become ingrained and transformed into habit almost immediately.
**After 10+ years of dating “Maybe I’m choosing the wrong men all the time?” Continues to choose wrong men for another 10+ years.**
Learning and acknowledging these lessons are one thing, but having the patience, grace, and perseverance to implement change to promote growth is a whole other ball game, one I have not yet mastered, but will continue to try.
10. Laughter is Most Definitely the Best Medicine | Memes. Memes will see you through any breakup. Actually, memes will see you through pretty much anything. And if you have a Group Chat that can send you a constant flow of memes, you’re well on your way to success.
I could honestly continue to write 5189249836501 more lessons learned and experiences I’ve endured throughout my dating history but that would be a book and not a blog post. I contemplated writing a lesson learned from each failed relationship but again it would tally up to being close to the aforementioned number. And to be honest, I want to keep some of the juicy material for future posts. So if you’ve enjoyed reading this, stay tuned for more stories about Ruth’s Hilarious Love Life. Im kidding. But seriously, go follow me. Thanks for reading.
