Curb Appeal

By: Ruth Wertzberger Carlson

Curb Your Enthusiasm is back which means my husband is too. I was married to Larry David. Not really, but pretty, pretty, pretty close. Over the years countless people have approached me and hesitatingly said, “I hope you’re not offended, but has anyone told you that Rich is exactly like Larry David?”

My friend Catherine met the creator of Seinfeld and Curb and said Larry and Rich were so similar it was eerie. There were physical similarities, tall, thin, bald, glasses, slightly bowlegged, and a casual confident gait, but it’s the behavior that makes them brothers from another mother. Like David, Rich had his own set of rules known only to him and pity the person who violated them or the people who had to hear about infractions…mainly me.

When people parked next to our corner house he painted a yellow line on the curb so it looked like unloading zone. When the neighbor’s large bushes threatened the view from our house he set up reconnaissance. As soon as she left to jog he rushed over with a saw to cut off the top branches. I was the lookout. When yet another neighbor, Michael, extended a rock wall, eliminating several parking spaces, the city-planning department investigated. Michael accused Rich of being the snitch and while hiding behind his very tall cop friend Rich denied it. Later he confessed to me that he was the culprit…he lied like David too.

Rich was also fickle like Larry. Every country we visited Rich thought we should buy a house and wasted the time of hapless realtors until he realized it might be difficult to manage a rental in Australia or Croatia from California! He was so convinced that doomsday was around the corner he opened accounts in foreign banks until the monthly charges turned out to be larger than his small balances.

If you think Larry David has no filter, you should have met Rich. Late one night after a party stragglers ended up in our bedroom. While a young woman was reading Rich’s palm and our cross dressing mailman Dennis adjusted his prom dress, Rich became a TV host like Kramer with the old Merv Griffin set. “So what’s your secret,” Rich asked Joe. “Well, I have something big to tell everyone and I couldn’t have done it without Dennis. I’m also a transvestite.” His best friend’s mouth dropped open.

Whatever the situation, Rich’s oversize personality took over. When my boss, a College President, won a big award Rich offered to videotape his speech. While I was managing my Board of Directors I saw Rich slapping my boss on the back-a man he never met before. Next I hear Rich yelling, “Where’s the script? This is ridiculous-they should have had that script to us hours ago!” He was director-zilla. I’m surprised he didn’t demand a moving boom so he could yell “action”. It was like the Seinfeld episode when Kramer took a briefcase (with crackers inside) to an office every day where he didn’t work and then got fired. Welcome to my bizarro world.

Although Rich’s surname was Carlson many people ask if he was Jewish-he wasn’t although his Swedish mother’s maiden name was Israelson.

Like Larry, Rich disappeared more than six years ago. In Rich’s case he fell off a ladder and died but watching Curb Your Enthusiasm feels a little bit like my husband is back…if only for a half hour on Sunday nights.

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