breathe, you have all the time you need to rest.
The title of this writing is something I really want to say to myself daily and every time for the past few months because 2023 has been crazy :)
Lately, I have been pushing myself to a new limit I never knew I could. For example, working on various projects simultaneously and dealing with new people, new team members, and new brands — even got the time to discover a new side of me. Like a newborn baby, I feel like everything is new and even though some things are quite familiar, I still have that “shock therapy” feeling.
This weekend, like any other weekend for the past few months, I have a bunch of a never-ending to-do list that I must do, before Monday kicks in. I promised myself to at least do something for myself first, but in the end, I always ended up working. Last night, I woke up at 2 am thinking it was already Monday and I missed all the deadlines I should have done, and when I realized it was Saturday, I cried like a baby — don’t know if it was a cry of relief or just feeling sad for no reasons.
I knew immediately that my brain and body are telling me to rest because it felt tension and anxiety every time, it gets tired. I have been working nonstop on the weekends which led me to ask myself further, “For what sake I’m doing this exactly?”, trying to remember the purpose of why I’m here in the first place.
That dawn, while I was crying, I remember I had an online workshop that I had to attend in the afternoon (on Saturday) — yes, perfect timing. So, I woke up, sitting in my bedroom trying to absorb all that feelings. One thing that I love from waking up at dawn is the quietness, like the world is still asleep and it feels like I have full control of everything before sunrise.
So, I decided to watch “Eat, Pray, Love” on Netflix at 4 am, trying to find consolation. I have been rewatching this movie numerous times and never get tired of the scene where the protagonist goes to her first stop, Italy, and learn about the famous Italian saying, “La dolce far niente” which literally translates to “the sweetness of doing nothing”. That sentence speaks to me more than anything that morning.
We often forget the ultimate reason why we work so hard night and day. Whether it’s for the sake of our family, our children, our parents, or ourselves.
People who have known me for years said that I’m too hard on myself like I want to prove something, always. Well, I can’t defend myself on that because there are moments when I want to prove myself to someone at a certain level. But, seeing that movie makes me think about why I do what I do now.
My best friend who works in the same industry as me, knows how hard it is by heart to always be told “you are not enough” every time, no matter how hard you work and how many hours you give. Sometimes we would joke about it, saying sensitive people could not go as far, lol (it’s our inside joke, sorry). In the end, she would always tell me to “remember your purpose” and “rejeki nggak kemana” every time I lost it. And I love her so much for that.
Well, I said earlier that I even discover a new side of me while working with this “new” experience. It’s like meeting a new friend and even though I don’t like them, I have to take the time not to judge but to understand them more. For 28 years, I have never faced this ‘new’ me. I realize that I am now much more outspoken than I was. I am more outspoken, more bold, more confident, more expressive when it comes to expressing my feelings, and more not afraid of how I would be seen by people. Believe me, That’s new to me because I used to restrain myself a lot from speaking, from sharing my opinion. I used to be quiet when I get blamed for something I didn’t do and used to say yes to everything — God knows.
That attitude brought me nothing but negativity. I struggled with anxiety for years as the outcome of it. Well, I’m still working on it, but the moment I decided to stop treating myself as a victim, I don’t care how people would see me, not as much.
At the end of the day, I know it’s a privilege to be able to choose the life I want to live because not everybody has that. I’m also blessed to be surrounded by people who reminded me that love must come first in anything I do. I wish it is shown through my work and through myself daily.
Hope you feel all the love and all the rest you need ❤
