From Dote to Dose — How to Avoid Making Friends in College
The data is clear. It’s been outlined to me in great depth and detail that all you incoming freshers are worried about one thing: making friends. I understand. I was scared too — but not anymore.
I come to you with a handy guide to avoid making friends amongst your peers.
1. Don’t Talk to People
I can’t explain how important this is. I’d be breaking rule number one.
2. Don’t Talk to People
It’s worth repeating. Don’t introduce yourself. Don’t talk about your interests. When someone says hi, just widen your eyes and — if you must, although my preference is for silence — emit a whimper.
3. Don’t Listen to Others
The flip-side to Steps 1 and 2. When people talk to you, just keep not responding to what they are saying. You’re way more interesting. They’re kind of just there to be a masturbatory mirror for how interesting you are. If you listen to what they are saying and respond thoughtfully, you’re well on your way to making friends.
Failure, in other words.
4. Don’t Relax and Do Not Have Fun
Worry yourself unnecessarily. Catastrophize. If you waste time talking to this guy in a lecture, you’ll miss some vital piece of the puzzle, in an unrecoverable in any way. You’ll start failing your classes. Seeing that you’re not that good or interested in the subject matter you never gave a real chance to, you’ll spend more time with friends, warbling sad songs in the college bar. You’ll become an addict. Thus, you will fail your classes. When you fail, you’ll have no job. When you have no job you’ll turn to smuggling and other illegal activities. This guarantees Gerry Adams will make you smuggle the North in the back of his camper van into the Republic, while you cry. Gerry Adams doesn’t care.
His face is still and smiling. Unreactive. Unforgiving.
What have you done? My God — what have you done?
5. Burn Popcorn in the Communal Microwave
Worse than having blood on your hands — the wafting smell of singed butter.
6. Don’t Join Societies or Clubs or Unions or Nothin’
Societies, Clubs, Unions, Class Reps, and other on-campus groups are the foundations of your social life. They are a cause, a community, a gateway to skills and successes you haven’t even envisioned for yourself.
They make everything insanely hard. Step 1 & 2 is basically annihilated. Hard avoid.
But if you do join, become a class rep and don’t respond to any emails.
7. Don’t Engage in Class
But if you must engage, make it a comment, not a question. Or a question in two parts. And reference Ayn Rand, even when — nay, especially when — the discussion does not relate to that at all.
8. Don’t Practice Personal Hygiene
It’s over-rated and it makes people associate you with good things. Your odour, your own personal musk, is a defensive shield.
9. Don’t Show Vulnerability, Kindness, or Happiness
People are going to get upset around you. It’s vital you make them feel awkward for wanting intimacy as they move farther away from the old life they knew.
Give the gift of leaving every conversation a little bit more grating than the way you found it. Conservative political talking points ought to do the trick.
10. Be Jim Brown
A follow-on point to the above: Be the Jim Brown you want to See in the World.
11. Reinvent Yourself
Maybe you are like me, and you failed the above steps miserably. You’re talking. A lot. You’re listening to others and encouraging kindness and fun. You’re willing to strive for a balance between fun and focus. You’ve gotten involved, and you take pride in how you present yourself.
You utter imbecile.
No matter — this step is for you!
Just take all the self-hatred and insecurity you have, because everyone has it, and use it to torture yourself. Anxiously hope people won’t get to know the You who did The Embarrassing Thing That One Time. Keep them away from the human being who was well-rounded and a healthy mix of liked and disliked. Keep them away from the crime-scene. They’ll catch all the clues — slowly, yes, but they’ll figure you out. They’ll gleam your criminal history by the way it sits in the hollows of your nervous laughter.
When people are real and friendly, be standoffish in an immature attempt to win dominance over them. When people try to understand you, purposefully leave them falling short to isolate both yourself and them too.
Don’t let people know you. Don’t let yourself develop organically. Craft the persona you wish you always had. Keep the image of socially succeeding at the cost of emotionally failing yourself and those around you. It’s worth it.
You could be so cool.
12. Wear a Big Hat
Wearing an overlarge hat lets those fuckers know who the boss is. (The little rat inside, controlling your limbs with your hairstrings.)
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