Lately, I have realized the importance of not letting people trigger me. The thing is triggers are everywhere. And to reach that stage when triggers cannot bring you down takes years and years of practice. To me, this phase is very crucial. These triggers are very crucial too. They help me understand what irks me about people is exactly what irks me about myself. After all, the people that you meet are a reflection of you. Some present the darker aspects of me, while others are people you admire since they are lighter aspects of me.
I spent last night tossing and turning in bed, trying to figure out what the **** I am doing with my life. Careerwise I am not exactly where I intend to be, everything is going very slow, and my financial woes are very closely associated with my sense of worth which I find myself struggling with ever so often. And then there is this new role I am slowly accepting myself in. Even this new role is attached very closely to my sense of worth. And everywhere I am still struggling to fit. I have always struggled with these things, especially with people. People scare me. And I am afraid to admit that needing people also terrifies me to a certain extent. I hate needing people. Believe you me, if I could find a way to live my life without needing or wanting people and facing my abandonment issues altogether I would! I would just go for it, without a doubt I would run away to chase a life like that. But the sad realization in my existence is that everyone needs someone.
As much as I feel like I can embody the nomadic life and go away somewhere I also know that I wouldn’t be happy living that life. What I want isn’t necessarily what I need!
My only respite is that I know my people by now. Maybe they will stay in my life or probably disappear. I keep repeating to myself that I cannot hold on to anyone or anything, but saying and actually doing so is very difficult.
For now, it's raining triggers everywhere. And listing them down is my only way to deal with them. I have also never been so good at organizing. I am just going to try and surrender to whatever the universe has in store for me. I can’t fight the tide any longer, I intend to float and even drown if that is what it takes to learn to swim again.
But I have to swim. I know its inevitable.
And just around this time when I was trying to make sense of this storm of feelings within me, I came across this quote by Chani Nicholas and felt so much lighter,
“ I can feel loneliness and still know I am loved. I can feel cut off from solutions and still know that feelings aren’t facts. I have found my way thus far, and there is no reason why I won’t again. I can be celebrated by massive crowds and still seek the sources of connection that are quiet, solid, and grounded.”