The life and death of our friend Mark.
Let’s talk about Mark. Mark is awesome. He is loyal, friendly, funny and is always there for me. But at the same time he is not, I can see he is dragging me down, I can see he is an asshole. And Still, I need him. But let’s go back a few years.
Somewhere in the 90's
The first thing I ever won was a race. A big one I must say. I don’t remember much because I was too young, but people say it was a really important race. So hey, I won, I guess that is something.
It was a normal childhood. Middle school, friends, games, sports. Your normal friendly neighborhood child. Little I know that Mark was already following my steps.
Somewhere in the early 20's
High school. Not gonna lie. It was pretty cool. I was not living in an American film being bullied by jocks and cheerleaders. I had awesome friends, my grades were good, nothing to complain. But then I officially met Mark. He was funny, friendly and at the time he seemed harmless. We started hanging out and suddenly he was part of the team.
The more I hang out with Mark the more I liked him. He was a really good company to have. At some point people started to warn me. “You are spending too much time with Mark”, “You are giving Mark too much attention” they said. But they were wrong. At least that was what I thought at the time.
Still in the 20's
I was older. Other responsibilities. Other friends. Other routine. But the same old Mark. We were one. Inseparable. At that point everyone had giving up on me and realized that Mark was my priority. And I kinda like it. To be left alone, just me and Mark.
For one heartbeat of a second I had clarity. I could finally see. Then it came crashing.
Everything fell over me. I was buried alive, barely breathing. Mark had taken over me. I was Mark, Mark was me. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I look in the mirror and just see this dead corpse walking around being controlled like a puppet, I had strings on me, and Mark was pulling them.
But who to blame? My friends? They warned me. My family? They warned me. Mark? He was just doing his thing, the porpoise nature gave him, he was doing his role, and pretty well I must say. And for that he deserves a standing ovation. But me? A walking train wreck. The curtains opened and I didn’t knew my lines, I just stood there, still, watching as everyone expected a beautiful eye watering monologue but I just didn’t know my lines. What a disappointment.
The early 20's were busy years
I realized that me and Mark could never be together. We were different. As cliche as it sounds. But it was true. So I was determined that I would get rid of Mark. We were done. But how wrong I was, we were just beginning.
I seated a goal and went for it. Mark would be gone in a blink of an eye. Guess it was a blink of an eye in slow motion. I started with the basic. A polite conversation saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. He didn’t believe me. So I went I little further. Said that we’ve changed, that we are no longer meant to be together. He didn’t believe me either. And every time I failed, he seamed a little… stronger. It looked like his roots were even more tangled on me.
It was such a shitty relationship. I knew more than ever that Mark was bad for me, but I never needed him more. I didn’t want to want him, but I did. I could see him laughing at my failure. So I hit him harder. More than ever before. And he left. It was the best 1 year of my life. But that was that. 1 year later I ran into him in a bakery near my house and was downhill from that point on.
Everything I accomplished in one year just gone. Sucked into a parallel universe. In the blink of an eye, but this time, it wasn’t in slow motion.
I saw myself stuck in the same position I hated. Same routine. Same lies I kept telling myself. Same Mark. I never felt more beating up, exhausted, hopeless. I was just to tired too keep fighting. So I let go.
Told you we would be stuck in the 20's for some time
The moment I decided to let go, people started to criticize me. Opinions and more opinions. Should and shouldn’t were part of my daily conversation with anyone. It’s easy to say “jump” when it’s not your ass on the edge of a cliff.
It’s been 3 years since I give up. 3 years of letting it go. And the worse part of it? I was stupid enough to actually try to fight it. Every time I tried to stand up I sank more and more in my own failure. I was forever stuck in this time loop of failed attempts. And Mark, well, he just stood there. He didn’t do anything, because he knew I was not strong enough. That I was weak.
But at the same proportion that I was tired of trying. I was tired of losing. I’m not here to say that I had some inspirational bullshit moment. Because I had lots of those, and they were all in vain. I’m here to say that I was just too tired of Mark.
He is still watching behind my back every move I make. Wondering watch I’m doing. But I don’t care. His presence is insignificant. I’m claiming my power over me. I make the decisions. I’m the captain. It’s gonna be hard. And I will stumble sometime along the way. The difference? This time, I will rise.
Now let me tell you a secret. The race I won in the begging? You won too. And you know what? That’s a beautiful thing. You are a walking miracle. I’m a walking miracle. And we can make shit happen. You have your own Mark. Don’t let him take over you. You make the rules. You have the control. Mark is like boogeyman. He only exists, if you believe he is stronger than you. And he isn’t.
Oh and Mark. Go fuck yourself. We are done.