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Something Has to Change…
You can’t put it into words, but something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.
For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will show you how to establish boundaries and break free
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Book ID Asin: 0307731189
Book Title: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Book Author: Leslie Vernick
Book Format and Price:
Book Format Name: Kindle
Book Format Price: $13.99
Book Format Name: Audiobook
Book Format Price: $0.00
Book Format Name: Paperback
Book Format Price: $13.99
Book Format Name: AudioCD
Book Format Price: $24.04
Book Format Name: Digital
Book Format Price: —
Book Price: $13.99
Book Category: Books, Self-Help, Relationships and unknown
Book Rating: 1,786 ratings
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope by Leslie Vernick Book Review
Name: Coffee Bean
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Life-changing book for difficult marriages
Date: Reviewed in the United States on March 21, 2022
Review: This book was recommended to me by several women in my abused wives church support group. I had reached a point in my relatively short marriage where my head was spinning and I couldn’t see what the truth was anymore. Marriage and personal counseling was helping, but only so much. I couldn’t see what message God was telling me — what my role was in both the marriage and destruction, whether to stay or go, and how to do so. This book has transformed my way of thinking about my marriage, and in response has greatly affected my marriage. I am not one for self-help books, but this gave me answers and insight, along with “tests” to assess the types of abuse in your marriage, descriptions of our spouse’s abuse and how we contribute to the destruction, patterns that need to be broken, a woman’s role in the marriage and myths about “submission,” poignant questions to ask and ways to address an abusive spouse to inspire change, guidance on staying or leaving, prayers, and resources for further study. I cannot thank Leslie enough for writing this book. It is so difficult to be in this situation and face the bad answers of those unfamiliar with your situation and uneducated about abuse, but Leslie cuts through it and delivers realistic guidance.
For those that complain about the book, here are my responses:
* Yes this book is written from a Christian perspective. Don’t buy it if you don’t want that. It is needed to address head-on the Christian stigmas that abuse isn’t real, that it doesn’t matter how badly a husband treats his wife, that a wife should try harder or be more submissive, that a wife is “stuck” in her marriage, that prayer will make all the bad things go away, that a woman’s role is secondary and inferior to her husband. I myself struggled with these issues and found clarity in reading this book. However, even someone who doesn’t believe in God can find guidance in this book through understanding the negative patterns and behaviors and imposing consequences and change. There is a chapter discussing how to approach a destructive husband, and I selected one of the three questions to ask my spouse, and this one question had such a huge impact on him. I will let you discover the questions yourself!
* The book addresses abusive and “destructive” marriages. Essentially she uses the word “destructive” rather than “abusive” much of the time because of the stigma about abuse and the assumption an abusive or toxic person can never change. From the beginning, she distinguishes a marriage that is merely “disappointing” from one that is “destructive.”
*The book is written for wives, but men can also benefit greatly from her insights and related online resources. Additionally, everyone will get something out of this book — whether they are the abusers or the victims.
* This book focuses much more on how a wife can stay in her marriage than leave it. While recognizing that there are certainly times divorce is necessary, Leslie instead focuses on pre-divorce steps a wife can take to try to bring her husband to repentance and change. That includes imposing consequences which do include separation and, if necessary, divorce. But the portion of the book that focuses on divorce is merely a page or two, which greatly distinguishes this author from all others writing about the topic.
Final Note about Print v. E-Book: I originally intended to purchase this as an e-book for my Kindle to “hide” it from my spouse, but due to some glitch or something, I could not figure out how to buy the e-book and ordered a print copy. I am so glad I did! I underlined and highlighted, I was able to fill out the quizzes and take notes. I have gone back and re-read my notes quickly and easily. My husband has seen the book sitting out on a table and I think that has had an impact as well, doing two things Leslie outlines: (1) Acknowledging the destructive patterns in the marriage and not making any excuses for them any longer, and (2) showing my desire to stay well and fix the problems within the boundaries I have set. I can also give my copy to my husband if he is willing to read it.
Name: teacher
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Please read this book!
Date: Reviewed in the United States on January 18, 2023
Review: Written from a conservative view, this book is not a man-bashing tirade for the principles contained will work for most destructive relationships, not just marriage. Even if one is not in a destructive relationship, reading this book will prepare him/her to assist someone in a destructive relationship. Life’s too short to allow someone, man, woman, or child, to be abused!
Name: Samuel Park
Rating: 3.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Helpful Resource but requires discernment in which situation to give
Date: Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2022
Review: This is a great book for woman that are in an abusive marriage or even processing a terrible past marriage:
Discernment is required as the danger of giving this book:
1) A woman undergoing a tough marriage (and not abusive) reads this book in which they become sensitized to view their marital struggle as “abuse”.
2) Barring extreme abuse cases , how do we differentiate between regular sin patterns vs severity of abuse? This book doesn’t provide in depth clarity in distinguishing that.
3) The book overemphasizes that the main problem of destructive marriage is the husband and underemphasizes the sin both spouses bring in. There is a part where women can hold marriage in idolatrous terms, however other contributing factors about the wife’s sin is superficially treated. However , in extreme abuse cases this book could be well balanced.
4) Reading this book will fortify a “victim” identity where the wife would define herself primarily as a victim instead of anew creation. Retaining this victim identity would justify defensiveness and anger. → harder to counsel
5) This book leaves the door open to question well meaning leaders and their wise counsel secondary to not fully understanding the situation. Again, not that this doesn’t happen.. but needing to have discernment when handing out this book
Name: Happy Customer
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: The Church’s Most Misunderstood Issue of All Time
Date: Reviewed in the United States on February 6, 2014
Review: I found this book literally after crying out to God one day to just lead me to the truth about my marriage. I was so emotionally torn after receiving advice from Christian friends to just hang in there, keep forgiving and keep trying to be the wife my husband wants, vs. a Christian therapist telling me I needed to make my husband face consequences for his abuse. I thought for 14 years God wanted me to turn the other cheek, submit, and love without conditions. This not only enabled my husband to continue with his abusive behavior, but it also made me start to turn away from God. I felt like God loved my husband and his needs far more than He loved me, to the point that He expected me to put up with disrespect, berating, name calling, being ignored all the time, being treated like nothing more than an object, some physical abuse, the list goes on.
So I found this book after doing just one Google search and I read what I could of what was inside of it through Amazon’s Look Inside feature. I literally wept the hardest I have in my life when I read the first two chapters stating that God loves me and didn’t want this kind of marriage for me or any other woman. That what I was dealing with was not what a marriage should be and God didn’t expect me to put up with it. It was the first time I had ever heard this and it was like being freed from a prison cell.
I bought this book and had it overnighted. Once I got it I could not put it down. I had no idea what the extent was of the abuse I was dealing with until I read this book. I felt so understood — for once! — and received much more love and encouragement from Leslie’s words than I ever received from the church’s many teachings that women must love and forgive their husbands no matter what.
Leslie not only helps you identify what is going on in your marriage, but she helps you to figure out how to deal with it in a Godly way. She tells you that allowing someone to hurt you over and over without being accountable is not loving them, that it’s living by fear instead of faith, and that it keeps the abuser from becoming the person God created them to be. If you will not speak the truth to them about their behavior, you are not loving them well. She shows you how to apply consequences in a healthy way, and what to do if setting boundaries with your abusive spouse do not work. If his heart won’t change, what you can do next.
This book saved my life. I think if I had no found it I would have continued putting up with abuse until the day I died, and thinking God didn’t give a rip about me. I would have lost the one love I did have in my life, Jesus, because of the wrong picture the church paints of Him and how He views married women.
If you are in an abusive marriage, please read this book, and draw closer to Jesus as you find out how He really feels about you and what you’ve been going through. Seek Godly counsel to help you apply what Leslie teaches you, which is totally in line with the Bible. She does not twist scripture around. She cites verses in their true context.
If you are a Christian counselor, pastor or friend, please do not tell women who are with husbands who consistently talk down to them, break their hearts, disrespect them and treat them like an object that all they have to do is try harder and he’ll come around. Read this book and become educated about something that is very misunderstood in the Church, and has been hurting Christian wives for far too long.
I thank God for answering my prayer, for leading me to the truth found in this book, and for loving me enough to do so.
