Of Goals, Expectations and Moving Forward

Take only memories, leave only footprints.” — Chief Seattle

ryan
ryan
Sep 1, 2018 · 4 min read
Lucija Ros, Unsplash

For so long I have wanted to move abroad, away from everything I know and live there for a period of time just so I could prove to myself that I thrive in environments that intrigue me. I wanted so bad to prove to myself that the further I could distance myself from the familiar surroundings I grew up in, the more my character and perspectives could evolve and grow. That belief had stuck with me since I was a young boy, and it still hasn’t left.

In March this year, I was presented with my first opportunity. I was going to Bangkok, Thailand for the following six months for an internship. At that time, I thought to myself that this was going to be a great stepping stone for me towards my goal of travelling the world. It would help me get acquainted with a lifestyle I have dreamed about for the longest time. And I was ready to embrace it all.

The feeling of finally be able to take a concrete step in the direction of my goal in life was unmatched. Sure, I was going with my school and I wasn’t entirely alone as there were other mates from school going there too. But I was able to finally get to know, in real life, if my theories that have been engraved in my brain about my life and my goals in life were actually feasible.

I taught myself discipline, something which was an extremely weak area in my life, through the nitty gritty parts of living by yourself — laundry, groceries, cooking, finances, cleanliness and general well-being and safety of myself and my living space. I created a routine for my time there and forced myself to stick to it, never getting distracted from the sole purpose of why I was there.

Sure, there were setbacks along the way, but none too big for me to overcome. In April, my determination was at an all-time high and I felt that nothing could stop me from reaching whatever goal I set for myself. I tested my will by registering for a French examination and setting writing goals for myself that I would never dare to set if I was not in that state of mind. To my surprise, I hit them all and I would even go as far as to say that I far exceeded all my goals and expectations I had set for myself.

I tested my will by registering for a French examination and setting writing goals for myself that I would never dare to set if I was not in that state of mind.

This gave me a huge boost of confidence, one that would carry me through the next four months. Since that short burst, I had set more modest goals for myself, but I was continually hitting them and I felt unstoppable. It was a feeling you would get when everything you did came relatively easy for you without any setbacks.

Conner Bowe, Unsplash

I miss it dearly. Since I came back in August, I have had zero motivation and confidence in my abilities to move forward. I have succumbed to long sleeping hours and bad eating habits, which have unsurprisingly sent me down a spiral of mental confusion and roadblock. Everything has hit a wall, one that I have yet to go through.

Perhaps I am writing this piece to aid myself get a step closer to overcoming this wall and move on with my life. Perhaps I am writing this piece to seek solitude from the chaos that is my life, hoping to sort my thoughts clearly before moving on to the next step. Perhaps I am writing this piece as a physical representation of how I am digging and crawling back to the glory days, the days where I felt on top of the world.

Maybe this will give me clarity in what I am doing and help me manage my expectations in accordance to my mental and physical strength as a human being. Maybe this isn’t anything more than me simply reminiscing memories of what I once was and will never be again.

I hope this will help. I hope this will help me realise what I am capable of achieving and therefore help me set expectations of myself that will not exhaust myself. I hope that I will be able to move on, instead of looking back.

After all, I should be only leaving footprints behind, not retracing them.


A messy piece of thoughts spilling out onto a page. I may or may not do a French version of this.

ryan

Written by

ryan

what consumes, controls. www.ryanayrn.com

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