Ryan Vera
Ryan Vera
Nov 3 · 20 min read

On Leaving Academia

The following was originally published on Sunday September 22 on Facebook as a public post. None of the details have been changed.

Dear friends,

In many ways, this is the end of one chapter of my life. This is - probably - the hardest thing I've had to write. You may want to take some time to read this. In very "Ryan" fashion, it's long.

I quit.

Have you ever read a piece of QuitLit? Well, my friends, this is it. And it's coming from me. I know some of you may be sad this is coming from me. But some stories do come to an end. And that's okay.

After much prayer, thought and consideration; discussions with my mother and brother; discussions with my advisor Tanya Agathocleous, my advisor of 7 years ever since I was an undergraduate at Hunter College; and discussions with my chair of the English department at the CUNY Graduate Center, I have decided I will withdraw from The Institution of the Intelligentsia in perpetuity. I will not in - in this way - be part of the Institutional Literati.

In other words, so my phrasing does not come off as *high brow* or *abstruse* - the way Derrida was described in his NYTimes obituary in 2004 - the fact of the matter is this. I am leaving the PhD program in English at the CUNY Graduate Center. More formally, effective January 15 2020, I will no longer be a doctoral student. I am leaving Academia. I have effectively given my 4 months notice. You don't give a 2 weeks notice in Academia. It's a 4 month's notice. I'm trying to be funny.

This is a decision I had finalized in early September, but I also chose to tell very few people until today. However, this is a decision I had thought of on and off for the past year. If you felt you were left in the dark about this, then please realize this is a deeply personal decision I had been thinking about on and off for a year. How I addressed this had to be handled with cogency and perfect timing. It is better to say these things once "the ink is dry." Rather than say these things in November or December, I'd rather tell you all now. I am an extraordinarily transparent person. I'm really big on transparency.

But don't get the wrong idea. I am leaving my program on good terms. But rather than withdraw for a year, or not take any seminars this semester, I've finalized my decision. I won't be coming back. It's like an amicable divorce. Which sounds inherently contradictory. But we are mutually parting ways. I hold the PhD program in English at the CUNY Graduate Center in incredibly high regard. My colleagues are amazing and humongously intelligent and talented, many far more than I. I know I often got praised for my intelligence, but I am still wowed by the people I've met here. I am incredibly honored and humbled I was ever accepted.

I did not want to admit this, but I actually considered leaving my program several times over the past year even if I did not take the thought all that seriously then. I chose to try and "tough it out," but I'm tired. Really, really tired. It is also safe to say there is no reason to stay in Academia if it causes you unfathomable stress and anxiety. I refer to "Academia" here with a "capital A." In many ways, this letter isn't about the CUNY Grad Center at all. It's a breakup with Academia.

Since I've been here, I've been on the verge of having sudden panic attacks, and I've definitely had a nervous breakdown on one occasion. Colleagues, if you've ever wondered why I would suddenly disappear and reappear in the Lounge after many months have passed, now you know. This was a struggle I simply didn't have the strength to articulate back then.

For someone like me who struggles with major depressive disorder, purely obsessional OCD, and generalized anxiety disorder, Academia just isn't healthy for me anymore. I see a therapist, but I'm not on any SSRI's. I have considered taking them, but I can function on a daily basis very well without them while seeing a therapist and practicing cognitive behavioral techniques daily. And prayer. A lot of prayer. But maybe I should consider SSRI's. Do you see how transparent I am?

And Academia as an Institution is one I am becoming less and less passionate for. My PhD program in particular did not cause all of this directly -- But Academia with a capital "A" as a whole did. I also am genuinely concerned what the future of Academia holds for those like me at this historical moment. Unfortunately, I was not born at an earlier time as a grad student. If we lived in 1970 or in 1990, I might not have ever written this. But at the same time, I am glad I wasn't a student then. For one, PhD students today - like me - are far less complicit in enabling the Academy. We teach more. We aren't stuffy. We're significantly less "Western Canon" driven.

It is getting harder and harder to secure a real, tangible tenure-track job once you finish a PhD. These things are just not guaranteed. And haven't been for a long time. Erin Bartram's "The Sublimated Grief of the Left Behind" is a tragic but very real narrative of this. It simply is not worth it to finish 2.5 more years of my degree and "see what happens." A part of me knew I didn't really want to be part of Academia once I finished my PhD so there's little point in seeing this through anyway considering that it's very unlikely I will be able to secure a tenure-track job.

The payoff - for me - just isn't worth it anymore. I'm tired of it all. Rather than treat my seminars in the past year with any real passion or effort, I simply cruised along. Rather than treat the creation of my orals list with any passion, I always dodged the question, "Who are you working with?" I just didn't want to do them. I began to live my last year of my PhD as a job. Which in one way, it most certainly is.

But I was a very disgruntled employee. There were many moments I would barely read for my seminars, BS my way through conversation, and put out a paper with barely any passion for the topic I was writing about.

Thankfully, however, the case is different now. Since I made my intentions clear that I am leaving, I have been the happiest I've been in a very, very long time. I recognize that, ironically, this gives me more privilege and more leeway than some are allowed because in 4 months, I'll be out the door. I can be as blunt as much as I possibly want. I can perform more "mic drops." I am very glad with the final two seminars I have chosen to take at the CUNY Graduate Center - one with Alan Vardy and one with Peter Hitchcock. I have known Alan since my time at Hunter College and I was previously Peter Hitchcock's research assistant.

The one exception to my experience within the past year is teaching. I love, love, teaching. And I loved, loved, my teaching practicum at Baruch last year. It is probably one of the few things - along with conversing with my wonderful and brilliant colleagues - that kept me sane in the past year and extremely happy. I have discovered my real passion is in teaching, writing, and in "public speaking," not research. But...

In Academia:

- There is an undue amount of psychological and physical duress.
- There is a massive amount of general uncertainty.
- "Publish or perish" still exists.
- There is too much politicking. My colleagues, do what brown nosing you must to get those connections.
- There's too much financial insecurity in being a graduate student especially if you want to seriously consider dating and marriage if you happen to be Ryan Vera.
- The value of doctoral student and/or adjunct labor is massively undercompensated.
- There is the potential and very terrifying looming fear of collapse or consolidation of English departments in higher education. You hear funding for the humanities continually decreasing. This is a very real concern I have that is ever present and it can render a future academic career in the next 25 years potentially meaningless.
- I also have a hesitance against a *literal* social mobility in needing to geographically uproot yourself to succeed on the job market. Not wanting to geographically uproot myself is practically anathema to the idea of Academia. You need to be willing to relocate in order to be given the chance to garner intellectual capital. I won't be doing this. The only exception for me was always dating and marriage. I would move in the context of romance, but not for a job market that is so insecure.

It's like looking at a passport -- the more "stamps" you have on it, there's some idea you have inherently accrued cultural capital by virtue of how mobile you are. Or how much wealth you have. I totally stole that line from Peter Hitchcock.

My chair of my department pointedly asked me, "Do you want to be part of an institution if it's causing you this much suffering? I'm tenured and I always have a backup plan. Get your backup plan in motion now."

I now view Academia as a fundamentally bourgeois profession. Because there’s so little a chance in securing a tenure-track job, you have to have a large reserve of family or marriage-related wealth accessible to you in order to try and test the waters. As a single person with working-class means, I need not nor do I want to apply anymore. My colleagues and friends know that my "side-hustle" before I came here was that of a dogwalker in Chelsea, Manhattan. There's not a lot of glitz and glamour involved. But it is a lot of fun. And I greatly enjoy it. I've been dogwalking for the past 5 years but since I came to my program, it became impossible for me to have two incomes. I now only have one client. I now walk a pair of two German Shephards. Their owner, Becky, has been nothing but kind to me these past 4 years. She means the world to me.

As one of two children of a working-class and undocumented single mother, this is a task that became improbable. My mother is documented now. I take great pride in my Latino [Ecuadorian] working-class roots. I joke all the time that my shopping at Costco is indicative of my blue-collar tastes. I shop at JCPenney or get my clothes off eBay. People have joked I have "Canadian fashion." A large part of my shopping habits has been influenced by my own personal ideology, but also practical economics. I like having *some* nice things. It just doesn't make sense to waste money on them on a grad student's budget. We aren't paid well. We're paid very well for a PhD program yes, but not enough to live well in NYC. I am blessed I still live in my very spacious one bedroom apartment with my mother and brother in Jackson Heights, Queens. It's only now that I'm beginning to shop at vintage clothing stores. I'm actually putting more effort in dressing up. In many ways, I wonder if wanting to become part of Academia was antithetical to everything I am. A friend joked that I disliked "bourgie people and bourgie tastes" but that entering "Academia and wanting to work in Academia almost ensured I was becoming a walking comtradiction." I do not inherently dislike wealthy people. I dislike snobby, bourgie people. A lot of these people exist in NYC. Thankfully, none of these people exist in my PhD program. (I think.)

Also, as much as I want to believe, I do not see 7K being offered to CUNY adjuncts per semester anytime soon without there being signifcant finagling. I also feel that if we are somehow given 7k a semester, it will potentially come with the extra responsibility of taking significantly more students per seminar or course. I would have gone on strike years ago in protest of unfair wages, given all my students A's, but I see little point in striking alone and being arrested just to secure political brownie points. (To make things clear: I have never contributed to grade inflation.)

I didn't care if I striked and became subject to the Taylor Law and faced litigation or legal repurcussions. But alone? It's frustrating to see e-mails go back and forth from individuals in our union about physically going on strike, but see that it never actually happens. I admire the Oakland teachers. (But I also feel like it didn't go far enough.)

I myself wrote a public e-mail response to my own labor union expressing my frustration at the repeated back and forth lip service from certain individuals in the union with little results for adjuncts last year. Some of my colleagues have remarked they saw my e-mail response last year.

"Don't take this the wrong way but I've been hearing talk of a strike for a year. I'm a 2nd year doctoral student. I receive e-mails back and forth about union talk multiple times a day, and even more so during the whole week. It's getting a little frustrating. Our membership is now voluntary -- I myself don't mind the 20$ or less I give a month from my bi-weekly stubs to the union. But it's getting to the point where a lot of this - from an outside perspective - can appear to be nothing but bureaucratic back and forth (in a union no less!) and a lot of empty platitudes.

I support the union and the idea behind $7K but it's getting to the point where I'm considering putting these e-mails into my spam folder because a lot of this is empty talk. But I myself am not pointing the finger at you two or anyone in particular, but do you know what I mean? I agree with 'demand, not beseech.'

Like, guys, when is this thing happening? Is it not gonna happen? Will it ever happen?

(Find out next time... on Dragon Ball Z...)"

In all other things, I greatly like the union. I just wrote that as a deeply frustrated person. The PSC actually does do amazing work. And I myself forget that bureaucratic institutions hold a significant amount of power.

It is in moments like this I wonder if it really is better that I am leaving. In an institution where politicking is ultimately necessary, it is probably better I leave. No harm, no foul. It's probably my own lack of political expediency. Or even practical expediency. On an unrelated note, I've commited so many crimes against fashion in the past two years. When you're in Academia, you're left practically unchecked. You can wear practically anything. Though I admit this privilege exists more for men than for women. I can sleep late and I've worn cargo shorts well into mid-October. But I myself have been reinventing my looks this past year. I'm starting to dress more and more like a reasonable individual. I've significantly mellowed out within the past five years, but I wonder if one day my willingness to engage in "mic drops" would have actually gotten me into trouble. It's better I go. I'm at peace with it.

Whereas years ago, I was incredibly introverted, and I still consider myself an INFJ for the most part, I'm a lot more talkative these days. Anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I'm significantly more mellowed out as a person than I was five years ago, or one year ago even. I don't take myself seriously in the slightest for the most part. I can laugh at myself. I like to make people laugh.Therapy will do that to you. Therapy really helps. But still. I have a big mouth, I am told "I'm extra," "I'm loud," have plenty of "sass" and I have a tendency to say what’s on my mind. I don't like engaging in baseless flattery, and I wonder if one day if I were up for tenure, my big mouth would have caused me to get in trouble. It probably would. It is moments like the quoted portion above from a very real public e-mail I sent that probably would have gotten the wrong - or right - people pissed off one day.

At the present time, an astronomical amount of CUNY's faculty is made up of adjunct labor. We are paid about $3000 for 12-15 weeklong courses. Many adjuncts teach at multiple campuses. We are not paid for office hours. We share cubicles with other graduate students. We are not paid to emotionally support our students. Yet we end up doing so anyway because we care so much about our students. Two of my students have asked for recommendation letters. Our students often look up to us because we humanize the material we teach. We are not paid to lesson plan. We are not paid for grading student work. We are paid for simply being in that clasroom for 2-4 hours a week. Many PhDs are adjuncts. And they adjunct for years, trying to find tenure-track work. Many of them do not succeed. The Academy simply gives out more PhDs than there are jobs available. I am not willing to put myself through adjuncting when I graduate at 33. Despite all this, I love, love, teaching. I am, in fact, on RateMyProfessors. All you need to do is google "Ryan Vera Baruch College." But at the same time, Academia does not feel synonymous with teaching sometimes.

In a very real way, I can graduate when I am 33, go on the job market for years, move away from NYC, get a tenure-track job, and be potentially denied tenure after years of service when I'm 40. I will then be left with a piece of paper that leaves me "overqualified" for most jobs. In many ways, the institution of Academia should be completely quartered, and burned to the ground and start anew. The "system" is broken. Sadly, for me, being a "starving intellectual" or "starving artist" no longer holds the same appeal to someone who is now 30 [me] than someone who is 22 or 23 and just graduated from college. My chair sees where I'm coming from when I related this. And I thank Kandice Chuh for her emotional support.

This is not a knock on the immensely talented cohort I came in with, nor a knock on many of my remarkable colleagues, but there are significant advantages to pursuing a PhD immediately or almost immediately after college. I'm 30. I'm still young. But there really are days where I "feel" old. Really old. Even though in many ways, I am still very child-like. But I'm a lot more realistic these days.

I was previously enrolled in a Master's in English program at Hunter College from 2014-2016. I have only attended CUNY colleges. I am not from the "Ivy League" or a top-tier Liberal Arts school. I myself am very proud of my roots: Latino [Ecuadorian], working-class, having had a hard-working undocumented single mother as a child. My adolescence was hardly "bourgie." My brother and I often lived on or below the proverty line growing up. Our neighborhood didn't get a Starbucks until 2008. (Note to self: Don't drink the Bux. Drink Dunkin if you're blue-collar or you're from Boston, or just drink the good coffee I actually like. That's Bean&Bean, Birch Coffee, Gregory's Coffee, Joe: The Art of Coffee, Matto Espresso, or Think Coffee.)

I have already appled for readmission to the Master's in English I left incomplete. The one at Hunter College. For this coming spring. I am only 3 credits shy of having my MA in hand. As I love teaching, adjuncting "for fun" while working for "the man" is one option. But I'm looking into potentially pursuing certification at some point to become a licensed grade 7-12 English teacher in a public school. My passion is in teaching. Moreso than research. I have also dug up the unfinished manuscripts for several novels I abandoned years ago. I'm far from saying I will become a published writer. But considering I'm moving away from this dream, you never know.

I know if I bring up teaching at charter schools, I won't hear the end of it and Mayor Big Bird will follow me into a gym and waste taxpayer money. Public school teaching was one option I felt was "beneath me" 9 years ago, but it is something I view in a significantly much more complementary light these days. My long-term goal is very much to become a high school English teacher. I already have several pre-interviews with alternate teacher certification programs within the coming weeks. Some of these have allegedly spurious reputations so we'll see what happens. But I have hope.

I can easily say I no longer have as big of an ego as I did 9 years ago as a 21 year old. Turning 30 this year - as cliche as this sounds - makes you re-consider things and dramatically mellows you out as a person. In many ways, entering Academia was my dream 10 years ago. I worked my ass off for years. Getting in my program was indicative of the hell I put myself through. "Ryan! How could you leave! Do you know how hard it is to get into PhD programs?" Yes, I know. My program is extremely competitive. However, entering Academia was also anathema to my working-class roots, so...

Friends, those who joked I was betraying my ideals and that for all the buorgeioise snobby people I've disliked, I myself was potentially becoming burogeois... I am leaving Academia. I have "blue-collar" tastes yet again. (Not really. I now shop at vintage clothing stores and I now make an effort to dress somewhat reasonably.)

For those who are still in PhD programs: You are brave. I deeply admire you. I am just as brave for choosing to leave for my reasons. I just can't do it anymore. There's so much uncertainty - that to me - just isn't worth it.

Anyone reading this may choose to call me a "sell-out." But the reality is, I don't care. And I mean that sincerely and not in a a way that is akin to flashing the finger. It also became more and more clear I am more of a public speaker/teacher and a reader than a straight researcher. I wonder if my own earlier subconscious hesitance to finalize Orals Lists and get my commitee for that was because of my own realization, "I don't want to be here anymore." In many ways, this may seem like a rant, but it isn't. It's mainly catharthic more than anything.

Although a part of me wishes I wasn't leaving, and I'm brought to tears that I am leaving, I hope there's humor you're reading in this piece. I'll still be able to laugh about things. Even though I'm crying as I write this.

At the end of the day, it became clear my own long-term aspirations don't blend that well with Academia. I love, love teaching but that also seems almost secondary to Academia. Some professors loathe teaching; I love it. I will always have a soft spot for Victorian Literature and Culture and always will. While it is sad I may very well never publish a critical Victorian monograph and I will never be called "Doctor," or "professor" I'm reminded of another thing my chair related to me: "Ryan, the intellectual life doesn't end because you're leaving Academia." As much as I will always deeply love Victorian Literature and Culture (Dickens, Bronte Sisters), I have grown to also love the Romantic period, Modernist literature and poetics, a lot of contemporary American literature, and the study of popular culture and film. It probably would have been hard for me *not* to veer away from my originally stated research intentions. (I was admitted as a Victorianist.)

Colleagues I've met, and my Cohort especially,

It's been a fun ride and I am forever thankful for these past three academic years, but I think it's safe to say after much consideration, I simply do not have the passion for the fabled Ivory Tower as I once did. Nor do I feel like "toughing it out" to just obtain my PhD. It's just three letters. And instead of saying Doctor of Philosophy it should read "Please hire Directly." Sadly as we all know, the job market in Academia is absolutely terrifying.

You all have encountered a moment in your life when you know it's time to move on from something and it's really no one's fault. It just didn't work out. I feel no shame in calling it quits and leaving. People change. Dreams change. This was my dream 10 years ago. But it's not anymore. A large part of my decison to leave - as you may have guessed - is that I'm deeply disillusioned with the Institutional Academy. But I loved *my* PhD program.

I thought this is what I wanted to do with my life when I was a fresh-faced community college student at LaGuardia Community College in 2009, but Academia is not synonymous with my career anymore. I know I worked my ass off to get here and in a very cliched way, I spilt blood, sweat, and tears from 2009 to 2016 to get into this PhD program. That's 7 years of your life. I was a horrible English undergrad at Hunter College from 2011-2013, so I worked my ass off at Hunter College's MA in English program from 2014-2016 to ensure I had a perfect GPA. I made valuable connections which potentially proved important for my coming here. (They probably were. Tanya Agathocleous, Jeremy Glick, and Alan Vardy vouched heavily for me.) I tinkered with my PhD application until 11:59pm on January 1st 2017. That's how much of a perfectionist I was. That's how much I thought I wanted this. I ignored good-natured advice from my recommenders advising me that my personal statement/Statement of Purpose needed to be revised because it was "too personal." They meant well, but I also knew very clearly how I wanted to articulate my story. I cried oceans of tears when I learned I had gotten in.

Plenty of people have left PhD programs before me and plenty of people will continue to leave PhD programs after me. My story is not that unique. My chair of my program articulated to me that "I should not be made to feel shame in leaving." I don't. In some way, in the same way that I have publicly outed my own battles with mental illness, I hope reading this dispels any shame in leaving a PhD program.

I also don't know what I would have done these past three years if not for this program, so these three years were not a waste. I don't regret coming here. I got to have very intelligent conversations with amazing colleagues. I got to laugh a lot. I was paid. Not a lot, but money is money.

I was thoroughly entertained and moved despite some experiences I truly wish never happened in these past three years. I went to some fun conferences. Without my program, I would never have been able to attend Dickens Universe 2018 where I met even more awesome people. The colleagues and people I met there were genial, funny, and very, very intelligent. And we reminisced even more this past February when we presented conference papers at UCLA this past winter. Although I wish I was on better terms with someone, because there are days I actually do miss this individual's friendship, I wish this person nothing but the best. I know I became a recluse these past 4 months. But people need time on their own for a while at certain moments in their lives. But I guess sometimes people do indeed grow apart. And I ultimately think, that maybe that's okay. I have zero ill will towards this person. And I pray for this person everyday.

I also now have plenty of outrageous stories to relate to people for the rest of my life.

Friends, now you know I'm leaving my program. But I'll still be here. For a little while longer at least. I'll still be taking two amazing graduate seminars this semester. I'll still be in the lounge. I'll still enjoy the Friday Forums. Even though they potentially don't really apply to my professional development anymore. I'll still teach my wonderful college freshmen at Baruch College this semester. I'll still honor my commitment this semester to the English Student Association. I'm glad the ESA has given me the opportunity to still serve on my committee.

Let's make these last 3.5 months count. Let's make them fun. Despite my leaving my program, I'm actually quite excited and hopeful for the future. For one, I'm eating significantly better in the past month than I have in years. I stress eat. A lot. But not anymore. I feel significantly healthier and happier since making the decision to leave. I feel liberated, even. Very liberated. And happier than I've been in years.

Thanks, friends. I will forever be grateful to the CUNY Graduate Center's PhD in English program. And I will miss so many of you. A part of me regrets not getting to know so many of you better these past three academic years. But we still have a little bit of time. Time to make these last months count along with planning what I'm doing come January. I have faith that everything is going to be okay.

Sincerely,

Ryan Ignatius Vera

    Ryan Vera

    Written by

    Ryan Vera

    30, NYC, Latino, Lay Dominican and Catholic. NYC. Leaving academia in January 2020. I read and watch a lot of movies.