At least try to try

I go through almost the same cycle every time when shit hits the fan. I work through what’s happening or what has happened like an adult, I accept and move on from it as quickly as I can, and then it creeps up on me and makes me feel awful. Most of the time when I have moved on from it it catches me off guard. It bites me on the ass. I get blindsided as reality sets in. Then I get angry and depressed about what I can’t and never will be able to control.

This week it was extra hard not to grab a drink, but I made it. It wasn’t fun but I made it. I felt extremely angry and helpless and for me alcohol extinguishes that temporarily, but it also prolongs it. I worked through this cycle sober and like I said it was hell.

I’ve learned things from it though which is always a plus. I learned that as long as you keep trying to keep your chin up it’ll be worth the effort and your anger will slowly lessen. You can’t try to shove the anger down. You have to let it flow at least in my case. I’ve been a hot head since I was a child. It runs in my family. I’m a lot better with it now. I used to hide it. Now I work through it.

I look around and I see people who behave like my sister. They think everything is shit and it’s not going to get better. If that’s how they see everything then they’re right. It won’t. I get angry with the way the world is. I get angry with the way people are, but I don’t believe that things will always be a struggle. I’ll get breaks every now and again. That’s life. I just have to keep rolling with the punches. “Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn how to pick ourselves back up again.”

I’m just trying to figure all this crap out when there’s nothing left to figure out. Accept. Move on. Repeat. I’m sick of being put through this cycle but at least I’m no longer drinking. Just coffee. Lots and lots of coffee and cigarettes. I’m drinking my second cup in a row now. The caffeine buzz is hugging my head.

I had a grand weekend. I went to my girlfriend’s hometown for her surprise birthday party. I spent time with her and her family. She gave me a tour of her home town. It was a much deserved brief getaway. Her parents like me despite what I’ve put her through. Not that what I put her through makes me an awful person. She has a family history of addiction as well. Her father is one of the sweetest men I’ve ever met, and her mother is goofy and bubbly like mine. I’m very grateful and honored that they respect me as I am. They’re a very special group of people, and I’m happy to be accepted among them. My girlfriend told me that Friday her dad and her were talking about me, and he said he wanted to get to know me better. Which is awesome. I’ve always strived for acceptance from the father of the woman I’m dating. Because for many years I felt that I didn’t have any from my own. That table has turned thankful. As I stated in a previous entry my dad has really strengthened his relationship with my siblings and I.

That’s one of the main reasons that I’ve been able to improve my self-esteem. For years I though I wasn’t good enough to do anything because of the neglect I received. It took a couple years but I worked through it. I realized that it’s not directly my father’s fault due to the treatment he received from my grandfather. I hated him for about a year. Then down the road things changed, and now we actually have a relationship. This concept helps me stay true to myself and who I’ve always been. I had to go through it to become stronger and more accepting of things. Much like most negative things that strike us in life. The point of this entry is what the title states. Keep trying to try. If you give up you will fall and never get back up. No matter what you go through as long as you keep trying you’ll end up okay. I will no longer allow things beyond my control to eat away at me from the inside out. As my girlfriend, friends, and family frequently remind me: I’m going to kick this world’s ass. I believe it. So it shall be.