Looking around

Back in the day I would look around and feel like I didn’t matter. Not even a little bit. It started in middle school and stretched its way throughout my high school career. I’d walk the halls angry and depressed and not know why. Between classes I’d shove my headphones into my ears and listen to angry music. Mostly Underoath and Chiodos. Anything that was screaming back at me. I’d walk the halls and fill with anxiety that people would notice me. That they would interrupt my routine. I felt alone and wanted acceptance, but I didn’t at the same time.

It took me years before I realized that wasn’t how I was supposed to feel. That that wasn’t normal. I didn’t start taking anti-depressants until a couple years after high school. The same goes for therapy. I should’ve started in high school. Live and learn.

I was a completely different person in high school. Most people are. I was scared and isolated. Afraid of people. I wish things had been different. I would’ve had a lot more fun had I not taken everything so seriously. In school they ask you where you think you’ll be a certain number of years after school. My dad says there’s no such thing as stupid questions, but I have to disagree with him on that one. I never once imagined anything close to where I am now in life. It’s hard to think about the future, but when you’re forced to it’s that much more stressful.

Now if somebody asks me where I think I’ll be 5 years down the road I’ll tell them to fuck off because I’m not a wizard. I’ll bite though since this is a blog post and I’m writing down my feels anyways. Five years down the road I imagine I’ll be moved in with my lady friend. We’ll be married or engaged. That’s an easy one to see. I imagine we’ll be living together as well. Career wise my hope is to be doing something with writing. Family wise my sister will probably be in jail or dead so I’ll have that to work through. I joke, but not really at this rate.

It’s not my hope that one of these things will happen to her. Just a prediction. If she wasn’t my sister she’d be a very interesting character study, but she is so it’s just troubling and annoying. She baffles me. I’ve always assumed people act the way they do based on their background, but she’s proved me wrong. Our parents aren’t perfect, but they raised us right. There’s no reason for her to act the way she does. Yet here we are. She completely voids anyone’s feelings that aren’t her own. My dad says it’s because she’s 17 and stupid. Neither my brother nor I were that stupid when we were 17. When she moved out for not even 2 weeks she claimed it was because my parents are awful. Simple rules like don’t be a dumbass are too much for her to handle. I really can’t handle her shit anymore so I’m not going to. I’ve put myself in the middle with her so I don’t get hurt. It’s a shame I have to do that with my own sister but it’s on her not me. My parents want me to spend more time with her but I say the same thing I’ve said for years: “Why would I spend time with someone who doesn’t respect my feelings?”

It’s not going to happen anytime soon. With me she’s got a lot of ass kissing to do before I even think about spending time with her. If I was in my parents situation I’m not sure what decisions I would make, but as her brother I’m choosing to protect myself, because she doesn’t give a shit. I’ve had to deal with similar issues with former close friends for the past couple years. Now I’m being forced to do the same with a family member. Works for me. It’s not my fault. I’m just doing whatever I can to stay semi-sane and sober.

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