Sorry (Again) Medium, this aggression will not stand…mayun
Turns out I do have a drinking problem. I cannot begin to describe how ashamed I am of this. I know I shouldn’t be, but once again I’ve hurt people I care about. I’ve lied to them and neglected them in order to drink. The worst part is some of these relationships I may not be able to repair, and now I have to live with that.
I thought I could handle it when I started up again two months ago, but it did the same thing as before. It snowballed. I knew I needed to stop again but I ignored it, because that’s what addiction does to you. It sets everything aside that’s important to you, so that all that’s left is the addiction, baby’s bottle, grandpa’s cough medicine, the happy juice, etc.
It just gets to the point where all I want to do is drink, and each time I do I want to get more drunk than before, whatever way I can: hard liquor, shots at bars from total strangers, 8 beers in a row, some nights all of the above. This has been my hobby for the past month, so once again it’s time for me to say “so long booze”. This time for good.
I’m mentally and physically exhausted from what I’ve been doing to myself, which has been the complete opposite of what I deserve and what others want for me. I’ve written this post before, or at least something similar to it. The point in writing it again is acceptance. I have to accept these words as I type them, and move on with my goddamn life without getting stuck by alcohol again. I have to know when enough is enough and with alcoholism: enough is never enough!
So once again I’m in a bit of a pickle. I’m going to make an appointment with my doctor and see if I can either increase my anti-depressants or switch to another one. That’s something I’ve needed to do since before I started drinking again. That’s one of the first steps in repairing myself mentally, because I can’t repair relationships if I’m not fully repaired myself. Next I’ll start going to AA meetings, which I’m not looking forward to but I need to at least give a shot. I’ve only gone to one in my life, that doesn’t count for much in the long run. I’m just hoping there will be some folks my age there, that’d make the environment somewhat more manageable. I don’t like church atmospheres, which unfortunately is where most AA meetings are held, but alas I must get over this. If AA meetings were held in hell I’d still have to go. Which by the way would be about as ironic as using The Dude holding a White Russian as a picture for this post.