He defeated Zurg, but can he beat the sands of time?

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Image Copyright: Disney. (Fair Use.)

“To infinity and beyond!” Everybody knows Buzz Lightyear’s infamous catchphrase, but what you might not know is that beneath his spacesuit, Buzz is a sickly 215-year-old man on the precipice of death. Kept alive only by the suit’s futuristic technology, Buzz is an inspiration to all of us who hope to defy God’s Will and live forever. Here are 5 times Buzz took off his spacesuit to reveal he was simply a weak mortal man using science to resist nature.

Buzz had just finished benching 250 pounds, an accomplishment that would have been much more impressive if he hadn’t used…

The only “shark attack” I fear is the gut-punch of Mark Cuban not wanting to be friends with me.

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Photo by Mike Giles on Unsplash

He’s handsome, he’s wealthy, and no one who makes a salary lower than six figures deserves to make eye contact with him. I’m of course referring to Mark Cuban! Sharing a margarita on board a boat with him would be a privilege for which I’d gladly trade my life. And after sitting my family down and having a very difficult conversation with them, they ultimately gave me their blessing that they would be more than willing to lay down their lives to help me facilitate that goal, too. …

Please stop overreacting.

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Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

When the Souls of the Damned were released into our realm to usher in 1,000 years of darkness, I was as shocked as anyone else. Just because I’m the one who read the cursed incantation from the Book of the Dead and accidentally opened the portal doesn’t mean I was anymore prepared for what occurred.

To be honest, it’s kind of unfair that everyone is mad at me for that. The only other book I’ve read in my adult life was a Wilt Chamberlain autobiography, and in all honesty, I didn’t read it. I listened to an…

No longer will he steal picnic baskets from the good people of Jellystone.

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Image Copyright: Hanna-Barbera. (Fair Use.)

Ranger Smith, your inability to deal with the domestic terrorist known as Yogi Bear has led me to take matters into my own hands. For years, innocent visitors of Jellystone National Park had their experiences marred by horror and anxiety over having their picnic baskets stolen. Your inability to deal with him speaks to either your cowardice or your incompetence. Neither are traits I associate with one fit to wear the broad-brimmed, high crowned hat of a park ranger, and since I have done your job for you, I believe a reward is in order. But first, some context.


Ryan Ciecwisz

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