Ryan Fix

I’m an addict!

My current favorites are coffee & drama. I awake from a looping dream; mind racing. This is a nice one. I’m planning to turn my grandparents home in DC into a communal house. I want to dance in the dream, but the day is pulling my eyes open. Then coffee begins flooding my mind. Fear of drowning, I stumble from bed to pour my first cup. I got my fix; pun intended. Those comfy jitters are rumbling once again. But what I really want is a calm morning where my mind simply shuts the fuck up. Relentless, I decide to take a walk along the Brooklyn waterfront. But I can’t seem to get out the door. I’m caught in a metal loop. Should I bring my computer, wear my rain jacket, boots or flip flops….wait, should I go running instead, maybe I’ll go get brunch with friends…oh wait, maybe I’ll go upstate and take a hike…it’s endless. Finally I make it out the door.

Sound familiar?

I know I’m not the only crazy bastard like this. So now I’m nestled up on a cozy leather sofa with my second coffee at a nearby cafe. Maybe I’ll right to you all. It’s been a while. Writers block as been kicking my ass for months. Why the hell do I write anyway? Sure, it’s a release. Something about writing allows my thoughts to flow. And if I had a religion, it would be called FLOW. So there’s that. But what is it that drives me to spill all my drama into the digital plane for you all to bear witness? Sure, I’m an open book, but there is something else behind this drive to share my inner landscape with the world at large. Yeah, I want to show the world that I too am a nut job. Maybe it’s to debunk the projection that Mr. Pure (that’s what some of ya’ll call me) has it all figured out. I don’t! But there’s more…I have this sneaky suspicion that I’m not alone. Maybe we’re all going bonkers together. And maybe if I spill my beans, some of you will see that my beans look like your beans. And if you’re anything like me, it’s much easier to look outwards than to look inwards. By they way, why the hell do our eyeballs not turn inwards? There’s some cool looking shit in there. I would sure like to see it.

I digress…so to be frank…achem…ok, I’ll be Ryan…fine! I like to preach, I admit it. There I said it. What a release! Denial is what kept me from writing to you all for so long. For some, I’ll say ‘I’m sorry’. For the others that were happy not to have head from me, I’m really sorry! The blabber box is back open for business. As I pluck away at this keyboard, the inner therapist awakens. Therapy was never my thing. Oh…except for the mental gymnastics routines I performed all over my prescribed therapists of yesteryear. I much prefer sharing my inner drama with my friends. I guess that’s you guys. You’re much better listeners and you don’t offer your advice. Thanks for that!

BTW, don’t you guys think we are the masters of our own domain? If we get really honest with ourselves, it seems we’re the only ones that can truthfully analyze what’s got us ticking. And we’re definitely the only ones that can change the rhythm. We bang the beat of our own drum. But in the event you feel otherwise, good news…‘everyone’ seems to be a self-proclaimed healer today. Yes, I’ll take a gluten-free healer with some kale on the side please. Actually, can you super-size that for me? Yup, I’m jaded.

There is no silver bullet. And no one will do the work for me. Only I can feel what’s going on inside me. And if I intend to navigate my internal emotional landscape, I must learn to go inside the drama, to become one with it, to befriend it, to hug it, to love it and to let it cry out loud. I will not judge it. I will not aggravate it. I will console it. My drama will feel loved. And when it does, it feels heard. It feels seen. And isn’t that all it really wants anyway? As they say, the only way out is through.

Today, I proclaim before you all that I love my drama, just like I love my coffee. What resists persists. I release resistance. I feel the furry. And in doing so, a delicate peace begins to emerge. I begin to feel at home again within my body. That feels nice.

Thank you for listening!

Pure Vibes,

Ryan!