In Adulation of Capris

Alright, hold up.

We need to take a moment to talk about a choice article of clothing that is very near-and-dear to my heart. It is the perfect garment for the indeterminate interior climate of Las Vegas’s most glamorous hot spots (like an office building). Yes, not a day goes by in which I don’t jump from the shower, eagerly anticipating the ensuing slip into a cool, chic pair of contemporary capris.

I mean, first-off — the hottest days in Vegas get up to about 115 degrees and stay that way for any number of hours. Even most summer evenings are rarely below a balmy 80 degrees, which means you are probably asking me: Ryan, what a rambling assertion of ridiculousness! If the weather is as infernal as you claim, wouldn’t one be better suited to skirts and shorts? Perhaps even a maillot de bains? Well, my friends, you are forgetting the most important point. Despite Vegas’s sweltry summer, the interior of every single building — grocery stores, malls, gas stations, casinos — all are strictly locked in at an economical 46ᵒ F. In this type of environment, short shorts just don’t cut it, unless you’re prepared to walk around with goose pimples that can cut glass. And so, my preferred pair of pelvic protection is reduced to…nay, refined to a cute pair of capris.

I’ve got black ones, gray ones, teal ones, khakis — loose-fitting and skinny jeans. As a child, I recall the first time I had ever seen a grown man in capris — I was at a summer camp and one of the counselors prophetically bore his ankles in all their glory as the campers gleaned in admiration. This was the same counselor, mind you, that advised me post talent show that my Britney moves needed to be more grandiose if I ever hoped to make it on the big stage. And in that moment, leprechaun pants became synonymous with something much bigger than myself. It was the epitome of fate. I was destined for drafty drawers. Now that I’m on the verge of the thirty, they bring a sort of whimsical addition to my ensemble. I’m cool because I dress young. I am the physical embodiment of Forever 21’s brand motto. And I’m almost positive they sell capris there, too.