The Importance of Space in a Relationship

A few months ago my relationship of 3 years almost met its end. It was an extremely stressful time for the both of us, we couldn’t figure out why we were arguing so much, even though we clearly loved each other deeply and wanted it to work. The answer to almost all of our problems was something so simple that it’s surprising how long it took to figure it out.
Space.
When I say space I don’t mean that we wanted to be apart, the exact opposite actually! In the 3 years we have been together we barely managed to have a single day when we didn’t see each other. We lived in each other’s pockets. Without even realizing it we were denying ourselves the chance to miss one another, to think about each other fondly from afar and anticipating seeing them again. Without the essential down time we became frustrated and passive aggressive towards each other. We didn’t talk about how we really felt or support each other in the ways that count.
After months of arguing and our relationship crumbling down to the point of breaking, she did something that I will always admire and respect her for. She demanded space from me, from us. I say demanded because I tried to fight her on it, I was scared of losing her, but she was adamant and strong for the both of us. I won’t lie to you; it hurt to hear one of my favourite people in the world say that they wanted time away from me. A lot of stuff was going wrong for me at the time, not just the relationship, so I felt like I needed to be comforted and supported by her and instead I felt a sense of abandonment. But deep down I knew it was the right decision. I was just being insecure and needy.
So it was decided that 2 weeks apart with absolutely no contact would be the solution to our relationship issues or if we didn’t miss each other, the deciding factor in ending it. The first few days were hard, really hard. I had spent the last 3 years solely focusing my attention on her and barely kept in contact with my once huge network of family and friends. I don’t regret giving her all the attention because in the end I think she’s a pretty amazing, but I do regret not maintaining my bonds with those who were closest to me.
The first thing I realized in the beginning is that I was alone. Not the typical depressing “oh god I’m so lonely I need someone” it was the hard truth that in reality you are alone. The only person you can truly depend on to always be there for you, is yourself. From the day you are born all the way up to the final breaths you take you are the only person that will always be there. I’m not being cynical and thinking that people will always leave or fail you in some way; I’m being realistic in the fact that people will always look after themselves first and foremost and the happiness of others should always follow close second. I was doing the opposite, always letting her choose how we spent our evenings or make decisions that should have been made as a team. It got to a point where I eventually started getting frustrated that she never wanted to do what I wanted because she knew I would always fold on it and go with what she wanted out of fear of losing her. It wasn’t her fault because I allowed it and let’s face it most of us would do the same if it means we get to do what we want.
Without my girl to distract me, I started thinking of the future and soon realized I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I felt adrift without purpose and most of all alone. With no one to help me and nowhere to turn I found the one person who will always show me strength, myself. I decided to turn my life around with achievable goals like “I will go to the gym tonight” “today I will smile as much as possible” (fake it until you make it) these goals kept me fueled to go on. After only a week I started to feel more fulfilled and walked with a purpose. I was positive and laughed more in that week than I had in a very long time. I was looking out for myself and had my own back. I knew what I wanted and what I had to do to get it.

At this point it had been around a week and 4 or 5 days. I felt strong and confident in myself; I fought the urge to message her and won time after time until I eventually caved.
“I miss you” with a little love heart was all I sent her. I didn’t expect a reply and instantly felt guilty for not respecting her wish for space before the 2 weeks were over. But to my surprise she replied the same back and asked me how I was thus opening the gates of conversation. It was amazing to be able to talk to her again! I think she sensed my new-found strength and agreed to meet me.
Since then, we have come along in leaps and bounds, while admittedly were not perfect. We are stronger together now than we’ve ever been and any disagreements we have had with each other are normal couple problems which if I’m lucky end in a few rounds of wrestling to smooth out the anger.
So if you’ve been arguing with a family member, a friend or that special someone I highly recommend taking some time for yourself. Get through the first few days of being on your own and find your inner strength. The only person you need on your side is yourself and once you hit that refresh button everything else will fall into place.
Take the time to love and be true to yourself.
I hope this helps you in some way, Ry.
