Melania Trump Dishes On Sex Life With New President Elect

The future First lady sat down with Cosmo last week to give a rare look into the couples more intimate side since the campaign started late last year and gave other immigrant-super-model-mail order-wives tips for the bedroom. Mrs. Trump touched on avoiding eye contact and swallowing pride as keys to spicing things up. However, Melania says the biggest change came when she began playing recordings from previous rallies. “It was incredible how he reacted” Mrs. Trump gushed “The ‘lock her up!’ chant is by far his favorite. I had to orchestrate it correctly so he doesn’t climax too quickly. It completely revitalized our marriage.” The former model says she tried similar tactics before but to no avail. Even campaign surrogate Rudy Guiliani tried to help by insisting she play his mixtape. The songs mostly consisted of loud relentless howling about private email servers which kept Mr. Trump occupied for a few hours but lacking all interest for intimacy. She also stated that wearing a “terrifyingly realistic” mask of her husband during love making may have played a role also.

**Editors note: Cosmo interview was conducted solely through an interpreter who translated series of uncomfortable grins, polite grunts, and high pitched clicks by the next First Lady. Mrs. Trump was also granted extra hour of outdoor time for her cooperation.