Kanye Rant in the Voice of Javascript

Orginal Rant

“Bro. Bro! Listen to the kids. First of all, thank you, Ruby, for being so gracious and giving me this award this evening.

And I often think back to the first day I met you also. You know I think about when I’m in the browser with my css and I have a really great conversation about fresh juice… and at the end they say, ’Oh, you’re not that bad after all!’ And like I think about it sometimes. … It crosses my mind a little bit like when I go to a developer conference and 60,000 people boo me. Crosses my mind a little bit.

And I think if I had to do it all over again what would I have done? Would I have strict data types? Would I have handled all my errors and gave the rest of it to the console? Ya’ll know ya’ll logged those errors too! If I had es6 modules at that time would I have went in the editor and imported them from somewhere else? You know, this build pipeline tomorrow it’s gonna be a completely different setup. Some framework, something like that. The tools will be gone. After that night, Grunt was gone, but the effect that it had on people remained.

The … The problem was the contradiction. The contradiction is I do fight for web developers, but in that fight I somehow was disrespectful to web developers. I didn’t know how to say the right thing, the perfect thing. I just … I sat at the Conferences and saw Ember and Angular lose. Ionic and Yeoman … Ember-cli … and Ember, I ain’t trying to put you on blast, but I saw that framework in tears, bro. You know, and I was thinking, like, ’It deserved to win Framework of the Year!’”

And this small box that we are as the programming languages of the evening … How could you explain that? Sometimes I feel like all this shit they run about beef and all that? Sometimes I feel like I died for the developer’s opinion. For developers to be able to have an opinion after they were successful. I’m not no politician, bro!

Look at that. You know how many times Jenkins ran that code again? ’Cause it got them more green builds? You know how many times they announced Reddit was going to give me the award ’cause it got them more clicks? Listen to the kids, bro! I still don’t understand sub-reddits. I don’t understand how they get five languages who worked their entire life … deployed applications, fixed support tickets to come stand on the carpet and for the first time in they life be judged on the chopping block and have the opportunity to be considered a loser! I don’t understand it, bruh!

I don’t understand when the biggest scripting language, or the biggest framework … I’ve been conflicted, bro. I just wanted people to like me more. “But fuck that, bro! 2015! I will die for the user! For what I believe in. And the user ain’t always gonna be polite! Ya’ll might be thinking right now, ’Did he smoke something before he came out here?’ The answer is yes, I rolled up a little something. I knocked the edge off!

I don’t know what’s gonna happen tonight, I don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, bro. But all I can say to my developers, to my fellow developers: Just worry how you feel at the time, man. Just worry about how you feel and don’t NEVER … you know what I’m saying? I’m confident. I believe in myself. We the millennials, bro. This is a new mentality. We’re not gonna control our kids with Java. We not gonna teach ant-patterns and OOP to our kids. We gonna teach our kids that they can build software. We gonna teach our kids that they can commit theycode! We gonna teach our kids to believe in themselves!”

If Douglas Crockford was here right now he would not let me back down! I don’t know I’m fittin’ to lose after this. It don’t matter though, cuz it ain’t about me. It’s about ideas, bro. New ideas. People with ideas. People who believe in truth. And yes, as you probably could have guessed by this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.”