The Marriage Between Kevin and Kevin’s Beard

By Ryan Shattuck

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today, in the employee break room of Shifty Cycles in downtown Portland, for a truly joyous reason: to witness the marriage of Kevin and Kevin’s Beard. Whether you’re here with the groom’s family, or with the groom’s beard’s family, I think we can all agree: this wedding is long overdue.

[Pause for laughter.]

Kevin and his Beard have been together for many happy years. Kevin first met his Beard when Kevin and I were roommates at Reed College. Like many of us, Kevin went through an “experimental phase” in his early twenties, and flirted with several different kinds of facial hair: a goatee, sideburns, a soul patch, a Fu Manchu mustache, a handlebar mustache, a Hitler mustache, a pencil mustache, and even muttonchops. In fact, I remember once sitting down with Kevin and saying to him: “You need to decide on a facial hair and settle down. Besides, those muttonchops make you look like a Civil War reenactor!”

[Pause for laughter.]

Kevin never planned to grow his Beard. Then one day, after not shaving for several weeks, Kevin returned from the winter break with the most full, luscious beard I had ever seen. He looked like a completely different person. I’d never seen Kevin happier than when I saw him with his beard. As soon as I met Kevin’s Beard, I immediately knew: this was the one.

I really do think that destiny played a part in Kevin and his Beard coming together. It’s incredible to think that had Kevin simply decided to shave during the winter break, none of us would be here today. It’s now been almost 10 years, and Kevin and his Beard have been inseparable ever since. In fact, they’ve been together for so long, that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of Kevin without his Beard!

[Pause for laughter.]

Kevin’s Beard has changed Kevin in so many positive ways. Without his Beard, Kevin never would have been hired as the assistant manager here at Shifty Cycles. Without his Beard, Kevin probably wouldn’t have been given the role of “Bearded Man #3” in that Just For Men commercial a couple of years ago. And without his Beard, Kevin wouldn’t have hooked up with Donna last weekend.

Now it hasn’t always been easy for Kevin and his Beard. Kevin once got pretty drunk at a bar and accidentally singed part of his Beard with a cigarette. And I think we all remember when Kevin shaved his Beard last summer, after Cheryl complained that Kevin’s Beard made him look homeless. Fortunately, only a month after Cheryl died in that horrible skiing accident, Kevin and his Beard were reunited once again.

[Pause for laughter.]

Because you see, nothing can prevent true love. As long as Kevin and Kevin’s Beard are patient with one another, and treat one another with respect, they’ll always be together. The seasons will change, women will change, and facial hair trends will change, but I have no doubt that Kevin and his Beard will always be together. Their love is an example to all of us.

It’s now the moment we’ve waited for. Kevin, please take your beard in your right hand.

Do you, Kevin, take your Beard to be your lawfully-wedded facial hair, to condition it and trim it, and to never wear it as a Van Dyke, for as long as you both shall live?

[I do.]

Do you, Kevin’s Beard, take Kevin to be your lawfully-wedded face, to help him look rugged yet suave, to help him pick up women at the bar, and to never get pieces of food stuck in you, for as long as you both shall live?

[I do.]

By the power vested in me by the state of Oregon, I now pronounce you Man and Man’s Beard. You may now comb your beard!

[Pause for first kiss and applause.]

Thank you everyone for coming! Please join the groom and the groom’s beard in the back of the bike shop for the traditional Pabst Blue Ribbon toast.