Top 10 Worst Things to Say to Your Single Best Friend

As a woman I chose to not define myself by words like “single” which for some reason over the years has come with a negative connotation. I have been in successful relationships that did not end in marriage and unsuccessful relationships that have made me terrified of the idea of marriage. I do not have a Wedding Pinboard. I chose to see and live my life for me and let those who want to be near me be near me and those who want to leave, leave. And like I always say, it’s hard out here but it’s never been harder than when I was making sacrifices for the wrong person. And don’t get me wrong, I am not opposed to marriage, I just haven’t found anyone worth marrying. At my age it’s mostly a half and half situation, half of my friends have been in long-term relationships and are getting engaged, the other half have learned to function alone for so long they have panic attacks when a guy stays over and accidentally sleeps on their side. I know both sides of the equation but most fortunately get to speak now for all the singles out there who have ever had to endure a “pep” talk from a girl they once saw face down on a keg stand who thinks it’s her moral duty to make sure you find a guy as amazing as the one she cried over for 3 months until he finally agreed to date her. So newly engaged friends of ours please take that pretentious princess cut off for 5 min and remember what it was like when you were fun and try and have a little sympathy for us “less fortunate” souls who aren’t constantly enduring the pain and strife’s of training your man.

The Top 10 worst things to say to your single best friend:

  1. He’ll come into your life when you least expect it…”

Um what? Like I should just stop waxing? I don’t get this at all, does anyone expect to fall in love? Believe me I am not out here looking, if you’re single that’s the last thing you’re doing, go talk to the newly single girls who are still curled up with the Sex and the City movie and Ben and Jerrys. The fact that I’ve officially made leggings acceptable bar and “date” wear, haven’t seen my natural hair color in a year and have made cat eyes and red lipstick a wardrobe staple and nonstop talk about Crymea or my work life probably scare anything “unexpectedly” walking my way off. Yes, they do come along when you expect it because when you expect it your more open to it, not a cold heartless ghoul who wants to kick kids off the sidewalk like most of us comfortable single women do. Someone should change this to “He’ll come along when you’re ready” and waxed!

2. “That’s how me and ­­ — — — started and it worked out!”

If I am gracing you with one of my hilarious and legendary date fails please do not degrade it by giving me the “hope” I did not ask for by telling me it could still work out, because that’s how you and yours started. It aint like this, this is not prince charming believe me! I am about as sure as you are that the nim-wit who didn’t pay for dinner, waited 5 days to call, came in my hair, threw up on the first date, kissed another girl on my birthday, made the world’s most racist joke isn’t going to turn around and be a good guy, chances are he actually is a good guy, but even good guys fuck up a lot and that’s not the point -just laugh at the hilarity of how boys constantly manage to trip over themselves and say “That sucks!” like every normal person hearing this story!

3. “The right ones out there!”

No shit asshole. You think I don’t know that? If your financially un-stable, fashion deficient ass could rail through most of the bartenders in our college on a 2 year drinking binger and literally get arrested for public indecency and urination on the same night I’m pretty sure the odds of me finding a husband too are not so slim. Thanks for the words of inspiration though, I cant wait to attend your wedding as drunk as you were on my 21st birthday and tell some real inspiring stories.

4. “When it’s right you’ll just know!”

How on earth I let my friends get away with saying this without blinding myself eye rolling truly deserves an Oscar. Oh like you knew? Do you forget that I was around and coherent during the first year of your “relationship”? Do women honestly forget what they put up with before he came around? You knew he was the one… “the one”…think back…. Really? Really? REALLLYY? Because you told me he was yesterdays news and your ass was ready to get back out there… Be honest you’re all still holding out for Ryan Gosling, I’m just the only left who has a real chance… jealous?

5. “When it’s true love it’s just easy!”

LIAR! Relationships are anything but easy, maybe when you really love someone you really love dedicating 1/2 your life to them but it’s never easy. You know what is easy? … having my whole bed to myself, not having to tell someone when I’ll be home, spending all my money on clothes and pedicures, walking around the house naked without getting groped, reading til 5 am, going home with that hot guy oh and that one, wine nights oh and being a boss bitches, so go ask your fiancé for permission to hang I promise I won’t let you get drunk enough to not heat dinner up when you make it in past curfew.

6. “Don’t look for Mr. Right look for Mr. Right now!”

Don’t talk to me about Mr Right now! My Mr. Right nows about to drive me home from this bar right now and do everything he can to impress me right now and make me eggs in the morning, your Mr. Right now is about to swing the two of you through taco bell so you can go catch the end of the American Idol you tivo-ed before you whine over who has to let the dog out then pass out in your clothes because you have to be up early to brunch with his parents.

7. “You should just focus on your career!”

WHAT THE F? Like who isn’t focused on their career, boyfriend or not I have to pay for shit! I went to school for something! I don’t wake up every day and watch the clouds go by, I am focused on my career. YOU should focus on your career! Quit pinning expensive shit for your wedding all day long! While you’re draining your brand new fiancés pockets the next 4 years to pay off that Katy Perry style wedding your parents aren’t helping you with I’ll be traveling all over Europe, but if I get lonely, don’t worry, I’ll scroll back through your wedding website.

8. “How’s your love life?”

SHUT UP, you know how it is. What do I say to this? “Still active, thanks!” When I really want to say: Well, Im on Tinder if that tells you anything, and after accidentally swiping left on the only good looking guy I’ve seen on there in weeks, I’ve honestly contemplated upgrading to Tinder Plus and I’m almost through my sex toy punch card, one more purchase and I get something for free! Also Ive read 50 Shades of Grey 50 times and have had lucid dreams about screwing the president in Scandal. Sometimes I rewind my favorite sex scenes up to 10 times and I’ve masturbated to the thought of Bradley Cooper so many times were on a first name basis. Go have sex with the same guy for the rest of your life and tell me how it is, wait no thanks I actually don’t care, I’ll tell Brad you say what up.

9. “Oh my god you went home with him on the first date?”

Yes I did, because unlike you I still remember how good sex is.

10. “Maybe you’ll catch the bouquet at my wedding!”

Yeah maybe, then maybe I’ll bash that sad sack of carnations right over your head! Unless I’ve been with a guy 3+ years and we have talked about marriage do not aim that shit anywhere near me, in fact let me just save you the trouble, I’ll be in the photo booth during the toss, probably with that hot groomsman you so delicately made me walk down the aisle with, oh we’re both the only single ones here? How coincidental…