Painful Recollections & Reflections

A few weeks I felt that God was telling me that it was time share my story; more specifically the men and leadership in my church. For some, telling their story is an exciting and joyful, but for me it is painful and scary. I’m not scared because I fear public speaking; but because my story is so personal and the struggles in my life are often misunderstood and/or look upon with disgust. Naturally, I ignored God. It wasn’t long after that I learned of a guy in my church that was deep in the same struggles that I have experienced for nearly 20 years and I was no longer able to ignore Him. I had to commit to sharing my story in hopes that it could help shed light on the secret sins that plague so many today.

A couple of days ago I decided to go out and enjoy a cup of coffee and read my Bible on my back porch. Like I do many times I pick up my Bible without a plan or purpose, I thumb trough reading verses I’ve highlighted over the years. To be honest its rare that I even touch my actual printed Bible so don’t get the idea that I am a super spiritual, godly man. As much as I wish it were true; I am only a sin filled man who struggles daily to keep his head above water. I was reminded of this fact when I came across something I had written in the midst of one of my life’s biggest struggles.

Why do I do what I do?

Your arms are open wide and still I run from you.

More times than Peter do I deny.

Can’t even turn to you when you’re by my side.

Why do I feel the way I feel?

Jesus loves me this I know, but how can it be real,

With this sin that’s in side?

It takes control of my life.

Oh God, take this from me,

And throw it in the deepest sea.

Oh God, take my life,

and purify me tonight.

God, rid this sin that’s eating me alive.

Help me to trust you with my life.

Cure this cancer deep in my soul.

God help me let go.

Although I am not deep in that pit anymore, it is still a painful reminder of my battle with sexual addition and the collateral damage that I cause in my marriage. As crapy as it makes me feel to look back at my life and see all the screw-ups and damaging things I welcomed freely into my life and marriage, it is humbling to see how much God still loves me and how much He has blessed me. He still has a use for me and desires an intimate relationship with me; even after all the filth I dragged Him and His name through for years. I pray that God can use my story to change the course of lives headed down the same road I traveled for years alone, ashamed, hopeless and plagued with guilt.

If this feels all too familiar just know this: There is hope! There is freedom! Oh, how I wish it there was a quick fix, an easy out, a super pill or a magic word that could be said to pull you out of a life of destruction without the fear of returning. But there’s not. (II Corinthians 12:8-10) The only hope for freedom from sexual addiction is to surrender daily to Jesus Christ and admit that we are sinfully flawed and helpless without him, and to openly share those same sinful flaws with one another and pray for each other. (James 5:16, 1 John 1:9) Sin grows rampant in darkness and Satan would love nothing more than for you to keep your sin and struggles a secret. There is an unexplainable freedom that comes in confession. Step into the light and begin a life of freedom.