The Most Important Thing

What is the most important thing?

Since becoming a dad 16 months ago, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. What is the one thing, above all else, that matters in living a satisfying life? I think it’s my way of trying to figure out how to be the best I can be as a parent. What my mind seems to be searching for is a guiding light that I may share with my daughter in helping her navigate her way through the world. How she may find happiness and learn to thrive, whatever those words might mean to her.

Though not necessarily remarkable, thus far I have lived a charmed and full life. Not saying I’m ready to be done, I just have tremendous gratitude for things I’ve been able to do and see, as well as the places and people I’ve come to know. I’ve succeeded and failed. I’ve done good and bad. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve traveled near and far. I’ve been a student and a teacher. I’ve gained some knowledge and learned to recognize my own ignorance. Yet, while these experiences collectively inform how I perceive the world, often to great effect, the most important thing has not revealed itself. No beacon that I may share with my daughter can be seen off in the distance lighting the way.

In this search for the most important thing, my mind wanders back to my own adolescence. What were the things my parents taught my sister and I during our formative years? I remember learning a lot about sharing and taking turns (which reflects directly on the parenting in a multiple-child family). We learned about pushing ourselves and working hard. We learned to stand up straight, look people in the eye, and ask questions if we didn’t understand. There are other lessons of course, but none of these stand out as the one thing my parents stressed the most in teaching us how to get along in the world.

Coming up empty in adolescence, my mind goes back further, to when I was even younger. Maybe there’s something there.

The earliest I can reliably remember is around kindergarten and first grade. Prior to that my recollection is probably less memory and more imported images from old photo albums. But parts of being 5-ish, sometime between kindergarten and first grade, I can remember vividly. I remember transferring into a new kindergarten halfway through the year and being super nervous about it. I remember the painted hopscotch outlines in the playground outside. I remember the brightly colored Osh Kosh pants I used to wear. I remember playing soccer and tag and climbing the monkey bars during recess. I remember exchanging those little valentine’s day cards with everyone.

I also remember the classrooms themselves. The way the little desks and chairs were organized in to five or six-person clusters. The way our artwork was displayed all over the walls. The chalkboards and star charts that hung in the front of class. Where the teacher’s desk was positioned in the back of class. I can see it all surprisingly clearly. And then I remembered it. The most important thing. It was right there the whole time.

There was a sign hanging inside the classroom, just above the door we passed through each time we exited class. We must’ve passed through that door on the way to recess at least 4 times a day. It was the last thing we saw as we literally went out into the world to play games and interact with one another. It simply said: “Do unto others.”

The beacon reveals itself.

Interlude

Before I go further, two caveats:

• 1. Although I am not currently “religious”, I was raised as a Holiday Christian (the type that only show up at church on the big holidays) and religion has strongly influenced my view of the world. In that, it has also informed me of what the most important things are likely to be. Now, for anyone raised to believe in or is simply familiar with Christian teachings, you will recognize “Do unto others” as the first half of one of Christianity’s most well-known sayings: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (NIV, Luke 6:31) The challenge for me, in reflecting on the most important thing and not having this jump off the page as an obvious candidate, is that it is largely on the level with a whole host of biblical teachings. It’s impact and relevance are diluted.

Same goes for many other religions that value the essence of “Do unto others…”. It never really stands alone as THE thing. Take Hinduism as another example. Hindus value the concept of Karma, which is a kind of universal law of cause and effect related to “Do unto others…”, but it is not given greater importance in Hinduism than belief in Brahman, immortality of the soul, or Moksha. That said, a sense of fairness is usually among a handful of key teachings, regardless of the specific religious systems, which should underscore its universally accepted importance.

• 2. Fairness, which ‘Do unto others…” is a proxy of, was something I was taught to value from an early age. That I recognize it as the most important thing is, arguably, a reflection of the value my parents placed on it all those years ago. Therefore, it is reasonable to expect other individuals may recognize a different “most important thing” relevant to them that reflects the things they were taught through their unique life’s experiences.

Having prefaced myself thusly, in this article I am arguing, in an objective sense, that Fairness has a compelling argument for being THE foundational moral teaching for the human species. You may disagree, and I accept that, but hear me out…

Fairness

As an avid reader of all things behavioral science, I’ve been aware of the psychological understanding of Fairness and it’s place in the instinctual human repertoire for some time. Per our friends at Behavioral Economics, “fairness refers to our social preference for equitable outcomes.” This preference manifests as biases such as Inequity Aversion, the Just World Hypothesis (aka Karma), and the proposed Ben Franklin Effect. Fairness is also foundational to the social norm of reciprocity, which is also one of the 6 key factors of influence identified by persuasion specialist Robert Cialdini. According to Cialdini, “Simply put, people are obliged to give back to others the form of a behavior, gift, or service that they have received first.”

As I’ve organized the world of biases and heuristics, Fairness is another contextual framing bias. But, unlike Loss Aversion and Comparisons, Fairness is all to do with Relating to Others. There are a variety of “relating to others” biases, including Fundamental Attribution Error, Courtesy Bias, and Bandwagon Effect, to name a few. But Fairness is king of this contextual hill. Case in point, the universal importance of fairness in the religious sense we discussed in the interlude above.

So, we’ve established that fairness is important to people. Okay. So what? Glad you asked.

You see, Fairness isn’t just important, I think it may be THE most important. It may be that beacon of light that is able to guide the way forward for all human beings, no matter their place in the world. Viewing the concept through a slightly different frame is what tipped me off.

I recently read wonderful new book by William von Hippel, The Social Leap, in which he re-introduces the concept of fairness in the context of homo sapiens’ broader evolution. His primary argument, a version of the social brain hypothesis, is as follows:

• Once upon a time, our ancient ancestors left or were forced out of the relatively cozy environment of the East African forests and on to the savannah.
• In the wide-open and unforgiving plains of the savannah, our predecessors were left exposed and greatly in danger of being eaten by a variety of predatory mammals that were much larger, faster and stronger.
• Recognizing their weakness as individuals, these pre-human chimpanzees learned to huddle together for safety, which was unnecessary when they were just forest-dwelling monkeys.
• Living in closer quarters and being more intimately connected with one another drove these primates to develop larger brains that would enable them to manage the unique complexity of social challenges they faced.
• This is what von Hippel calls “the social leap”.

The argument is a compelling one and, if you chose to subscribe to it (AND the insights of evolutionary theory), two things quickly rise to the surface as critically important for these special monkeys:

1. Cooperation takes center stage (not replacing selfishness, but sitting right next to it as an equal);
2. Freeriding becomes the greatest challenge for their new group dynamic.

The incentive to share and cooperate with each other underlies every advancement we have ever made as a species. Every. Single. One. From harnessing control of fire to exploring space. Nothing beyond the life we knew in the forest happens without cooperation. Therefore, the most immoral thing one can do is share in the benefits of that cooperation but not contribute a fair share to those benefits. Lying, cheating and stealing are universally reviled across cultures because each is a type of freeriding: the liar deceives others to their own benefit; the cheater accomplishes by leeching off the work of others; the thief takes from another what they did not earn themselves. So serious was the issue to our ancestors that a freerider was threatened with ostracism from the group, which was effectively a death sentence for that individual. We slap people on the wrists for lying, cheating and stealing. Our ancestors didn’t mess around.

Learning of the life-and-death tension between cooperation and freeriding, born in the great social leap our ancestors made all those millennia ago, that is still very much alive and well today, is the tipping point that pushed me to argue that Fairness is THE foundational moral beacon for the human animal.

“Do unto others…”

In reviewing and studying all the various biases that have been codified by behavioral science practitioners and comparing them with idioms and sayings that human beings have been sharing with each other for thousands of years, it becomes clear that Fairness stands out. In terms of sheer volume of idioms and sayings, which is a strong directional indication of what people have historically found important to share with one another, Fairness is matched by only Optimism biases and Egocentric biases. Further confirmation (at least in my mind) that Fairness is especially important.

I don’t think either of us have the time or energy for a fully exhaustive review of every instance of Fairness echoed in an idiom or saying, so I will hit you with some of the highlights, grouped as follows: The Ancient (aka The Sumerian), The Religious (again, it’s always there, but now we recognize it’s special importance), and The Contemporary (the one’s you probably use).

The Ancient

• “He who insults is insulted. He who sneers is sneered at.”
• “A hand will stretch out towards an outstretched hand. A hand will open for an opened hand.”
• “Let the favor be repaid to him who repays a favor.”
• “If you take the field of an enemy, the enemy will come and take your field.”

The Religious

• Jewish, Christian & Muslim: “Anyone who injures their neighbor is to be injured in the same manner: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth.” (NIV, Lev 24:19–21)
• Christian: “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” (NIV, John 8:7)
• Hinduism: “As a man himself sows, so he himself reaps.” (Mahabharata, xxi.291.22)
• Buddhism: “Intention I tell you, is kamma. Intending, one does kamma by way of body, speech, & intellect.” (Nibbehika Sutta, Anguttara Nikaya 6.63)

The Contemporary

• “Pull your own weight.”
• “Tit for tat.”
• “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
• “An apples-to-apples comparison.”
• “Having a level playing field.”

Bottom Line

It turns out that all I really need to know I learned in kindergarten (or 1st grade) is in fact true, at least for this most important thing. In truth, it doesn’t really matter if Fairness is THE most important thing or if it just has a seat at the table of most important things. What does matter is that believing in Fairness, and acting accordingly, is at the very heart of our species’ ability to survive and thrive. Behavioral science and evolutionary psychology are helping to renew our appreciation for fairness, but, as per usual, we’ve understood it all along.

At the end of the day, we’re all in this together. The sun rises and shines on everyone the same. We all breathe the same air. And we, people all over the planet, people of all different shapes and sizes and colors, all have the same fundamental needs. And somewhere among the few most important of those needs, if not THE most important need, is the desire for Fairness, the desire to be treated the same as everyone else.

That is something I can teach my daughter and be confident that it will act as a beacon of light, helping her navigate her way in the rocky and unpredictable sea of life. Helping her find happiness and learn to thrive. I can’t think of anything more important than that.