God’s Column for NewYorkTimes.com

EDITOR’S NOTE: God has graciously agreed to write a monthly column for NYT. We’re thrilled to provide a forum for Our Lord to share His divine wisdom and profound insight. This is the first installment of His column.

EDITOR’S NOTE: In an earlier version of this column, God referred to ‘The Twelve Commandments.’ The mistake has been corrected.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We offer our sincere apologies to the women of the LPGA tour. We’ve removed the offensive remarks.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed all mentions of The Baconator after learning God received financial compensation from Wendy’s for each one.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve replaced the term ‘kick-ass’ with ‘regretfully heinous’ in the section now titled ‘The 10 Most Regretfully Heinous Executions in History.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: In an earlier version of this column, the list of Moses’ accomplishments included winning the 400m hurdles at the 1976 Olympics. That was achieved by American track star Edwin Moses. We regret the error.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed the detailed description of Moses’ heavily-perspiring scrotum from the retelling of his walk through the desert. We regret the error.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We apologize for the insensitivity God showed by comparing the hardships endured by African American slaves to how it feels trying to open a bag of trail mix when there’s no notch cut in the corner.

EDITOR’S NOTE: In an earlier version of this column, God confused the Seventh Commandment with Notorious B.I.G.’s advice to “never get high on your own supply.” We regret the error.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed the obscenities from God’s rant blasting the WWE for burying Jack Swagger on the undercard at SummerSlam.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed God’s list of animals it’s OK for people to have sex with. We regret the error.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve amended the rankings of God’s greatest creations so that #1 and #2 are no longer ‘boobs.’ Furthermore, ‘the human soul’ has been moved ahead of ‘shrubs.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: An earlier version of this column contained a passage reading “…the human accomplishments I’m most proud of are (google some shit or whatever).” We can all guess what happened here. We regret the error.

EDITOR’S NOTE: An earlier version of this column contained a photo of God holding hands with Jennifer Lawrence. The photo was clearly a work of shoddy Photoshop meant to impress readers as evidenced by God’s tiny head size. We regret the error.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed the text reading ‘Click here for the meaning of life,’ which linked to the music video for Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: In the section titled ‘The 3 Most Remarkable Humans I’ve Created,’ we’ve greatly pared back the portion on Malibu from American Gladiators.

EDITOR’S NOTE: In God’s account of the crucifixion, we’ve removed the mention of a fourth nail, as there’s no record of Jesus ‘also taking one right in the ol’ bag of beans.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: In the section on Hammurabi’s Code, we’ve substituted the familiar ‘eye’ and ‘tooth’ in place of God’s preferred body parts, if only to cut down on the numerous references to male genitalia littered throughout the piece.

EDITOR’S NOTE: In an earlier version of this column, God confused dictator Adolph Hitler with character actor William Fichtner. We apologize to Mr. Fichtner for attributing his lively performance in Drive Angry to Hitler, while blaming him for the death of six million Jews.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve kept God’s retelling of David vs. Goliath as written. However, we must acknowledge its uncanny similarity to The Undertaker vs. Mick Foley Hell-in-a-Cell match from WWE King of the Ring ’99 Pay-Per-View.

EDITOR’S NOTE: An earlier version of this column ended with the word ‘purple’ copied and pasted hundreds of times. We suspect this is the result of our agreement to pay God by the word, which explains His insistence that we perform a quick word count then wire him the money.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed the entire column. We apologize to all those who’ve been offended, particularly the NAACP, female police officers, families of those lost in the 9/11 attacks, the employees of Sport Clips, The National Holocaust Museum, and Mothers Against Drunk Driving.