What do you do when the superhero is the one that’s hurting?

Sometimes the strongest even have moments of weakness.

I live my life each and every day (just about) admiring my mother. I love my mom more than anyone in this world, and it makes me happy when she’s happy. Throughout her life, my mom has been the bearer of making others happy, and not always receiving that similar kind of feeling returned. In the past people have said my mother was cold, I’ll be the first to tell you- she isn’t. She’s strong. She’s stern.

In my 16 years of knowing my mother, I have seen her become even stronger as time went on; there was a point in my life when I didn’t think she could get much stronger than she already was, but as usual, she did. She always did. She still does. I have grown up with a life that has been privileged in ways of being able to attend great schools, living in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, amongst other things. But I have also grown up with a life that has been surrounded by constant difficulty that has only exceeded as I have gotten older. In my years, I’ve been to my own version of hell and back.

My mom and I have always been a team. We have our moments, but we always find a way to get to our goal. But it has never been easy, especially when your goal is ripped from right under your feet at the last minute.

Do you know what that feels like?

I’d prefer not to go into great detail of the current situation, but I will say this: people find many ways to let you down. You put faith into people you love and trust and suddenly one day, you can’t trust them anymore. Do you know what that feels like? To have your entire life, happiness and anything in between ripped out from under you? You have people that set you up so high only to one day find out they’re not holding you anymore. You don’t feel them anymore. Just like that, they’re gone. You know that feeling when your muscles fall asleep and you get that weird sensation that you can’t feel them? That’s what this feels like, only you’ll never get that feeling back.

man, feelings are weird.

I feel like I’ve been free falling for years at this point, but at the same time I feel as though I’ve hit the ground hundreds of times already. If there’s anything I realized from this entire situation is that you can’t rely on people for shit. They find a way to let you down somehow and you find yourself a step or two behind them because you were so busy gazing at your own thoughts and getting distracted by plans that never will be. You don’t realize until too late that they’re way ahead of you, and you’re gonna lose your breath too soon when you try to catch up. Some races you just can’t win, no matter how fast you run.

A lot of me changed 12 days into the new year. For the first time in my life, I willingly admitted out loud that I wanted my life to be over. I had said in past writings that our lives are like films that we are a part of right now, every moment is a part of the film story of our lives. As of right now, I’m done with mine. Some films you just can’t sit through the whole thing. I’m ready to get up and leave mine.

I find it amusing when people mistake my quietness as being “aloof” or “uninterested”. I am quiet not because I’m shy, but because there are many things to say, just no way to say them. I convey myself in the best way through writing and music. These words are my own pure feelings that I write with passion, alongside whatever emotion I was feeling while writing it.

I write because of life.

I write because of death.

I write for those on the in-between.

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Ryan Bottitta // 1•12•17