270 Things I Did to Help Lose The Election

In July, I received a job offer from the DNC to campaign in Pennsylvania, but I was much too busy to go.

  1. Instead, I went to a coffee shop.
  2. I got a haircut.
  3. I watched The Night Of.
  4. I called my grandma.
  5. I ate granola.
  6. I went to Disneyland.
  7. I parked illegally.
  8. I went for fro-yo.
  9. I ran.
  10. I helped a friend write a thing.
  11. I read a thing about writing things.
  12. I sympathized.
  13. I empathized.
  14. I made it about me.
  15. I watched the pot boil.
  16. I waited for the pot to boil.
  17. I watched the pot boil again.
  18. I watched that video of the Trump people.
  19. I went to the movies.
  20. I pumped the butter.
  21. I Googled the nutritional facts.
  22. I pantomimed how I’d eat KFC.
  23. I asked, “Can you hear me?”
  24. I asked, “How do you know?”
  25. I asked, “Did you hear?”
  26. I heard it on NPR.
  27. I declined dental insurance.
  28. I consolidated my student loans.
  29. I didn’t need to see a doctor yet.
  30. I lifted weights.
  31. I did yoga.
  32. I spotted a guy in a red hat.
  33. I waited until he turned around.
  34. I squinted.
  35. It was a joke one.
  36. It’s still scary to see!
  37. I sent an email.
  38. I sent an email from my personal account.
  39. I replied all.
  40. I bcc’ed.
  41. I said, “I can’t.”
  42. I said, “I simply cannot.”
  43. I helped a friend decide whether she’d text back.
  44. I wondered if it was going to be on text or Messenger.
  45. I helped a different friend write an admissions essay for law school.
  46. I told her to consider a new hierarchy.
  47. I ran social media for a TV show.
  48. I wrote on Medium.
  49. I trained for a marathon.
  50. I drove to Vegas.
  51. I saw my friend make a podcast.
  52. I drove to Vegas again.
  53. I saw my mom gamble.
  54. I rode the roller coaster at New York, New York alone.
  55. I wondered why people like it here.
  56. I asked the dealer where she was from.
  57. I forgot.
  58. I lost $250.
  59. I went up an escalator.
  60. I got into a gentlemen’s club.
  61. I ordered a martini.
  62. I thought it was funny.
  63. I stayed objective.
  64. I breathed through my nose.
  65. I couldn’t imagine.
  66. I had faith.
  67. I listened to Celine Dion.
  68. I finally did the dishes.
  69. I finally got things organized.
  70. I finally(!) canceled my appointment on Handy.com.
  71. I swang on a swing.
  72. I hiked on a hill.
  73. I read a book about mormons.
  74. I hit “refresh.”
  75. I felt refreshed.
  76. I cleared my browsing history.
  77. I ran out of data.
  78. I went to my grandfather’s funeral.
  79. I watched veterans fold the U.S. flag triangularly and place it on my grandma’s lap.
  80. I ate a ham sandwich at the reception.
  81. I told my aunt I was unemployed.
  82. I listened as she told me to try doing something political.
  83. I responded, “eh.”
  84. I listened as she said she was learning a lot by volunteering for local republicans.
  85. I said, “to each her own.”
  86. I ate pizza.
  87. I read Franzen.
  88. I tipped extra.
  89. I tutored high schoolers.
  90. I prided myself.
  91. I advised they try conjugating in Spanish when they were confused.
  92. I knew they weren’t native Spanish-speakers; they were in AP Spanish.
  93. I taught them about semicolons.
  94. I graded in a red pen.
  95. I forgot to fill out lesson reports.
  96. I made one kid read Thomas Paine aloud.
  97. I told him to try it again in “a Thomas Paine voice.”
  98. I asked, “Any questions?”
  99. I asked, “Make sense?”
  100. I asked, “Whaddaya think?”
  101. A Korean-American student said he’d vote Trump if he were old enough.
  102. A Chinese student said she was only in the U.S. for the summer.
  103. An Iranian-American student clarified to me that he wasn’t a terrorist.
  104. I brought donuts on Friday.
  105. I left early.
  106. I drove my Prius under the Eco Limit.
  107. I hated traffic.
  108. I moved to the East Side.
  109. I fought with my boyfriend.
  110. He forgave me.
  111. I got an acai bowl.
  112. I watched the movie in which Kerry Washington plays Anita Hill.
  113. I asked questions.
  114. I used Wikipedia.
  115. I insisted the House would have to cave on the nomination eventually.
  116. It’s literally April!
  117. I sorted mail.
  118. I scrubbed that pan already.
  119. I went to the DMV.
  120. I shouldn’t have to pay the fee.
  121. I wasn’t aware I was doing anything wrong.
  122. Is there WiFi?
  123. I read that article.
  124. I saw that article.
  125. I know, right?
  126. I sweat through my jeans.
  127. I shaved.
  128. I nick’d a spot.
  129. I played bar trivia.
  130. I ordered a second Hefeweizen.
  131. I Googled answers.
  132. I lost.
  133. I complained.
  134. I rode my bike at night.
  135. I hit pot holes.
  136. I felt the air.
  137. I rode toward the moonlight.
  138. I thought about what I thought.
  139. I thought about myself.
  140. I thought about when I’d have time to think about myself again.
  141. I decided it would have to be tomorrow.
  142. I participated in a focus group.
  143. I got paid in a gift card.
  144. I recommended a new design flow.
  145. I said, “less is more.”
  146. I laughed.
  147. I watched The Opening Ceremonies.
  148. I liked the tweet about the green pool.
  149. I liked Simone Biles.
  150. I watched ads.
  151. I clicked on sponsored content.
  152. I mocked ads.
  153. I went to Target for some toiletries.
  154. I made a list of to-do’s.
  155. I kept a calendar.
  156. I set alerts.
  157. I set alarms.
  158. I paid.
  159. I got my security deposit back.
  160. I got tested.
  161. I got pre-approved.
  162. I received a premium.
  163. I laid on the beach.
  164. I readjusted my balls.
  165. I got too cold somehow.
  166. I said, “Thanks!”
  167. I said, “No, thank you.”
  168. I said, “All right then.”
  169. I ghosted.
  170. I drove with my windows down.
  171. I reached my hand out to touch the rain.
  172. I moved some money around.
  173. I waited for the payment to go through.
  174. I did it all on the app.
  175. I went to Home Depot.
  176. I bought a pumpkin.
  177. I didn’t need help getting it to my car.
  178. I accepted a friend request.
  179. I barely remembered who it was.
  180. I thought she looked different than she did in Thailand.
  181. I thought Germany looked warm in her photo.
  182. I remembered I asked her about Germany.
  183. I remembered she asked her parents about Germany.
  184. I saw that she updated her photo recently.
  185. I watched the debates.
  186. I took a practice GMAT.
  187. I redesigned my resume.
  188. I downloaded a font.
  189. I hit “Shift + Return.”
  190. I read about bees dying out.
  191. I read about Bernie.
  192. I read about Brexit.
  193. I flew in for my dad’s birthday.
  194. I stayed in my sister’s basement.
  195. I listened to her scold her one-year-old in the rearview mirror.
  196. I listened to her say that she doesn’t know how she’ll get it all done.
  197. That she has surgeries on Tuesdays.
  198. And a commute on Wednesdays.
  199. And her husband golfs on Saturdays.
  200. And her daughter cries on bad days.
  201. And her mother-in-law comes on Thursdays.
  202. I got drinks.
  203. I caught up.
  204. I circled back.
  205. I touched base.
  206. I went to Seattle.
  207. I bought flowers at the Fish Market.
  208. I took pictures of art.
  209. I walked around.
  210. I ate a crumpet.
  211. I saw that Obama movie.
  212. I walked out of it.
  213. I called my other sister.
  214. I heard she got a new house.
  215. I heard she was taking care of our cousin.
  216. I heard the disability support “certainly helped.”
  217. I hung up so I could go into 7–11.
  218. I got a Slurpee.
  219. I texted someone across the country that I got a Slurpee.
  220. I looked at myself in the mirror.
  221. I felt my biceps.
  222. I did my hair.
  223. I didn’t shampoo every day.
  224. I tried teeth whitener.
  225. I read the label.
  226. I ran out of contact solution.
  227. I ran into Caroline!
  228. I looked up
  229. I turned on read receipts.
  230. I turned off read receipts.
  231. I booked a trip to Costa Rica.
  232. I used a travel site.
  233. I Snapchatted.
  234. I voted.
  235. I tried going sober.
  236. I got a sunburn.
  237. I didn’t dress up for Halloween.
  238. I was white.
  239. I was male.
  240. I cried.
  241. I got a new job.
  242. I applied to Survivor.
  243. I never heard back.
  244. I ignored a guy on the train.
  245. I saw The Girl on the Train.
  246. I met with a tax adviser.
  247. I bragged about knowing two small business owners.
  248. I told her I didn’t know much about real estate.
  249. I asked her about opening an LLC.
  250. I got a stomach virus.
  251. I opened a beer.
  252. I took a shot.
  253. I defended Brian Williams.
  254. I said, “We’ve all lied.”
  255. I used the Domino’s Pizza Tracker®‎.
  256. I said Ohio was never gonna happen.
  257. I said Florida wasn’t necessary.
  258. I said Nevada is the one from Veep.
  259. I checked out.
  260. I checked in.
  261. I tried to wake up.
  262. I tried to fall asleep.
  263. I wore glasses.
  264. I had a thought.
  265. I had rationale.
  266. I had no words.
  267. I had fear.
  268. I had shame.
  269. I made an excuse.
  270. I was too busy.