Short Answer: You can’t.
The increase in the use of assisted reproductive technology coupled with the rise of virtual communications has made online spaces wherein donor-conceived adults, intended parents, and gamete donors can converse with one another commonplace. If you have Facebook, it’s easy to join a group, share ideas, and ask questions. Or, if you feel the need to get something off your chest but do not want to attach your identity to your musings, you can whisper your thoughts into the void anonymously on a forum such as Anonymous Us.
Amidst the questions regarding topics such as intrauterine insemination (IUI), in-vitro fertilization (IVF), and egg donors and ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), the dialogue, specifically, between donor-conceived individuals and intended parents is rife with assumptions and emotional turmoil on both ends. When sharing their perspectives on these open forums, many donor-conceived adults aren’t afraid to be honest about their distaste for the practice and its regulation (or lack thereof). Of the donor-conceived people who take issue with it, most are particularly concerned with secrecy, anonymity, the lack of comprehensive medical information, and the lack of secure record-keeping.
A Matter of Ethics
In communicating their distaste for the fertility industry, many donor-conceived individuals are accused of being “angry” or ungrateful to be alive. Adoptees, the kindred spirits of donor-conceived people, are no strangers to this either.
Since the publishing of Jean Patton’s The Adopted Break Silence (1954), adoptees have been organizing to change the industry and position themselves as meaningful stakeholders in the adoption narrative. Online forums have proven to be an incredible tool in doing this. Pages such as Changing The Adoption Narrative and The Bumbling Adoptee have answered questions surrounding their “anger” in ways that have flipped the traditional adoption narrative on its head. Focusing on their experience and the shared experience they all have with one another as adoptees, they do not succumb to the notion that they are unhappy with adoption solely because of something wrong within their own individual experiences (such as having “bad” adoptive parents), but because they recognize that unethical practices within the industry have affected them personally.
The Bumbling Adoptee, for example, points out the issues with lawyers soliciting young pregnant women and asks followers of the page to educate themselves about the ways in which adoption is regulated, the role of lawyers, the exchange of money, and the focus on adoptive parents. For those who seek to dramatically alter the system, adoption is not a single event. It is a perpetual trauma that is seldom acknowledged by other stakeholders in the adoption process.
Donor Conception and Anger
Donor-conceived adults are often assumed to be angry because several would like to see the industry better regulated. Some, such as those involved in the Donor Conceived Alliance of Canada, seek to maintain the ban on commercialization of gamete donation, implement a cap on the number of individuals that can be created using one gamete donor, and have more secure, longer-term record keeping.
Better regulations would ensure greater transparency and, hopefully, make for happier and healthier donor-conceived individuals. Similar to adoptees, one does not necessarily need to have a bad experience on a micro-level to critically examine the fertility industry. Many donor-conceived adults have had amazing lives — yet they still seek to change the system in some way. Because several individuals operate under the assumption that anger is the sole impetus for seeking change to the fertility industry, many donor-conceived adults have been on the receiving end of questions such as, “So, when my donor-conceived child arrives, how can I ensure my child is happy?”
Happiness is Not the Opposite Of Anger
We, donor-conceived adults, hear you, intended parents. You’d do anything for your tiny tykes and after researching your options, you’ve arrived at donor conception. After all, donor conception is not just performed in cases of infertility or same-sex couples. It is also often done to avoid passing on a genetic illness. (Although, donor conception can be a gamble, too.) You want a happy, healthy child — as does every parent.
However, happiness is not the opposite of anger. The two can coexist alongside one another. That said, there is no way to ensure that your child will be “okay with” donor conception, agree with the industry, or “be happy” about this.
We could say this about anybody, right? After all, nobody asked to be born. But, when money is exchanged to create you and there’s an entire industry that seeks to make a profit using unruly practices that, at the very least, make some donor-conceived people feel icky and, at the most, have the potential to harm us, it’s a bit different.
“We will tell them from the start. What else can we do?”
A post from a potential recipient parent on Anonymous Us admits that she’s “already worried” about her children, even though they are a mere thought at the moment.
To donor-conceived individuals, she asks, “Do you guys ever considered [sic] that you were brought to this world to be love endlessly, to be cared [for], how hard is [it] to love your parents back?”
I imagine she’s frustrated. But, aside from being transparent, there’s nothing you can do. Asking, as this potential recipient parent does, “Is there anyone here who can tell me how do I make my baby happy being a donor egg baby,” is the absolute wrong way to frame this.
Is it donor conception or are you just an angry person?
Asking how to make someone “happy” with donor conception attempts to invalidate the assertion that being donor-conceived itself is a problem. Several of us come from loving homes. Many of us have wonderful heterosexual, single, or same-sex parents. The assertion that the industry must be changed or that some people simply do not like being donor-conceived does not necessarily reflect our parents’ love or parenting skills. It should be noted that not all of us were born into loving homes, however. Suggesting that every donor-conceived person was “made to be loved” is not necessarily true.
Even so, that should not negate one’s perspective if they take issue with the industry. Childhood, regardless of whether it was healthy or abusive, is not the main point of contention when people take issue with the fertility industry. It’s the industry itself.
Not being open to the possibility that donor-conceived people have an issue with the practice itself or the industry doing a poor job of regulating this practice is making the assumption that the crux of the issue must always be something else. Often, this isn’t the case.
Wait, who exactly are you asking?
Often, questions surrounding how to create a happy child are accompanied either by a directive that they are seeking the opinions of other recipients or they are only seeking the opinions of “happy” donor-conceived adults.
When prospective parents only want to hear answers from other recipient parents they are, effectively, ignoring the perspectives of adult donor-conceived people and doing two things: 1) suggesting that our perspectives do not matter and 2) infantilizing us by insinuating that the only legitimate stakeholders in this process are parents.
When prospective parents only want to hear answers from “happy” donor-conceived adults, the assumption is that those who are unhappy with donor conception can fault their parents, rather than an unethical system. This is a problematic framework because it, again, assumes that one cannot simply take issue with the broader structure that is the fertility industry.
In the words of an (ironically!) anonymous donor-conceived friend of mine:
“[Suggesting that this is solely a matter of parenting] sows doubt that “maybe if this one small factor had been done differently, then I could be at peace right now”, instead of the truth which is that the WHOLE situation is f*cked.”
Is there an objectively “right” way to do donor conception?
No. No donor-conceived person can tell you what steps to take to ensure that you do it “right” and end up with a happy child. This is because it is hard to do things ethically within a system that many see as fundamentally unethical. For example, often intended parents will pick a known donor and suggest that because they’re transparent and because their child will know who their biological parent is at 18, everything should be fine… right?
No one can guarantee that your child will be okay with waiting for information. No one can even guarantee that your child will get the information that they want at 18. No one can guarantee that your child will be okay with not knowing the number of siblings they may have. No one can guarantee that your child will not accidentally date one of their siblings.
Zach Forster, a donor-conceived adult (although writing about anonymous and not known donation), describes his experience as being “forced to live by an agreement that I had no say in.” Regardless of whether the gamete donor is known, there’s no guarantee your child will feel warm fuzzy thoughts when they think about this industry and think about being forced to be party to a contract they had no say in.
Forster, along with many donor-conceived adults, argues that donor conception can be an “obscure system” with “deeply traumatizing and unethical sides to it.” He, too, advocates for setting a limit on the number of people that can be created per donor, therapy for donor-conceived individuals, and an evaluation of the ethical framework of the industry.
Through being honest, intended parents can only increase the odds of a child being “happy” within this framework. Absolutely nobody can ensure it. Asking donor-conceived adults for a guide on how to make happy babies simply doesn’t make sense.
How should we frame it then?
Much like adoptees, donor-conceived people can only share our stories and tell the world that there are faults in the industry. Some of us had less-than-stellar childhoods, but many of us didn’t. Either way, no one can ensure your adopted or donor-conceived child is going to be “happy”. No one can ensure your child won’t be “angry” about this. No one promise that your child won’t wrestle with both of these feelings.
You can increase the likelihood of your child being at peace with your choice by being honest, but you must be open to the possibility that it might not work. Your child might be anything from slightly disappointed to absolutely seething.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with anger. In a world where industries (adoption and donor conception) do not see the products of their efforts as meaningful stakeholders, there is reason to be mad. Unfortunately, ensuring that your child is happy means coming face to face with the reality that you may have to do your part in advocating for change in the broader system and not settling for that which may harm your child but is acutely out of your control.
Like adoptees, donor-conceived individuals have been fairly vocal about what makes a happy child without even being prompted. With the advent of vast online spaces, our voices are becoming more mainstream. The answers you seek are out there. You just need to be open to them.
