Campus Crusade for Cthulhu students marching for Cthulhu in 1978

The Progressive Case for Cthulhu

It’s obvious at this point in the election season that the Democratic Party is not just disinterested in progressives but are openly hostile to them. This is not a great failure of the two party system, but a feature designed to expel unwanted elements from the political system. As within any system there are tolerances and 2016 has exceeded them, leaving an electorate hungry for an alternative to the usual two lesser evils.

The Great Old One Cthulhu, Lord of Dreams and of sunken R’lyeh, is that Greater Evil. He has been waiting patiently for America to cry out as one to rise from the ocean deeps and devour us all.

While progressives may initially recoil at the thought of an ancient deity ruling the United States with blood sacrifice and roiling insanity, they should find the certainty of deep holistic change in three major areas appealing.

The Submission of Wall Street

Humanity as a whole is obsessed with little colored rectangles. Cthulhu does no begrudge his minions their small pleasures. What angers Cthulhu is the executive class (sometimes known as the “1%”) — a soft, greedy bunch of children that needs the discipline of the lash and binder. They dare consider themselves gods.

Cthulhu will eat the rich.

This is not to say that He will to create a communist utopia; Cthulhu disdains the insignificant -isms dreamt up by humanity. However, pretensions of godhood by small monkey-men will not be tolerated.

Climate Stabilization

Humanity has long known that the price for their use of fossil fuels would have consequences. Through sheer greed, fear of change and subtle manipulation by Cthulhu, human civilization has blissfully and obediently carried His extensive terraforming project.

Similar to the Paleo food movement, Cthulhu wishes to return the planet to a healthier primal state. Human physiology currently cannot thrive in such an environment, which brings us to the third reason progressives should choose Cthulhu…

Universal Health Control

All Americans will be automatically enrolled in Universal Health Control (UHC) as a right of citizenship. This program will provide everyone with the finest death panels humanity has ever seen.

It is no secret that Cthulhu will require human sacrifice as is the right of any deity. At a basic level, UHC will ensure that minimum health standards are provided to those marked for sacrifice.

But in rare cases, some devoted Cultists may be chosen to abandon their frail human shell to serve Cthulhu in a greater capacity. From bio-cybernetic surgery to genetic therapy to reanimation, cultists and minions of Cthulhu will have access to equal and comprehensive care.

Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party has left progressives, and America, little choice this election but to embrace the one candidate who will honestly stop the corruption and destroy the status quo. Embrace Cthulhu and He, in turn, will wrap his tentacles across this nation — and squeeze.

To learn more about the Cthulhu for President movement visit:

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