I Am More than My Infertility
Maintaining your sense of self in the midst of treatments
My son was born after 5 challenging years of fertility treatments. During that time, I often felt that, if I wasn’t careful, infertility might just swallow me up. It was a constant fight for my identity.
It seemed that everyone who knew about my struggle assumed that getting pregnant was my number one priority at all times. And, of course, having a child was a top priority. But it wasn’t the only one.
My fertility journey started when I was 32 and just finishing a 9-year post-graduate program. I had spent the last decade of my life training for a career. So, naturally, I envisioned myself one day expertly balancing a career with the roles of loving wife and mom. (Life has since taught me that no one is an expert at that balancing act but that’s a topic for another time.) So, yes, I wanted to be a mom. But I wanted to be many other things, too.
Then, there was the little voice in the back of my head asking, “What if this never works? What if the treatments continue to fail? If all I focus on now is getting pregnant, who will I be then?” It was vitally important for me to know that I was cultivating other parts of myself that I could be proud of.
Yet, no one seemed to get this. After each failed cycle, my doctors would immediately start planning the next one. Their intentions were good. They saw my pain and wanted to give another opportunity for hope. But, that wasn’t always what I needed. I was sad and angry and scared and needed time to process my feelings. I needed time off the IVF hamster wheel to feel confident and strong again. I wanted to focus on a new job or a new project at work. I wanted to feel free to take a vacation and reconnect with my husband. Or, maybe, I just needed some time to feel right in my own body again without high potency hormones coursing through it. But, no one paused to ask how I was doing or what I needed.
Our families could see the toll infertility was taking on my husband and me and desperately wanted to protect us. But they didn’t know how. Well intentioned suggestions felt like daggers. They’d say, “Maybe you shouldn’t be so focused on your job, you work too hard” or “maybe you should just take some time off and relax”.
I’d respond curtly with something like, “I can’t do that” or “that’s not how the world works anymore”. But their comments activated my deepest fears. What I was hearing them say was, “you did something wrong”, “it’s all your fault”, “maybe having a child isn’t that important to you”, “maybe you just don’t want it enough”.
Now I know that none of that is true. Sure, I have my quirks, but there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with me (well, aside from my non-functional reproductive system). Here I am, years later, juggling my various roles as I had imagined. Yes, those 5 years challenged and changed me but I’m still fundamentally the same person.
And now, after speaking with hundreds of others struggling to build their families, I know that my experience, my thoughts, and my feelings were not so unique. They are actually quite common.
I share this to raise awareness of the experience of millions of couples in the US struggling to build a family. If that is you, know that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you, no matter what choices you make on your fertility journey. Also know that you can control the course of your journey. Taking time off from treatments to refocus or recover is an option.
If you’re a friend, family member, or coworker of someone struggling with infertility, I share this to help you better understand and support them. Let them know that you are there for them and truly listening. Ask what you can do to help. And, if they say nothing, accept that too. Well meaning suggestions are often mis-interpreted.
Finally, if you’re a medical professional working with infertility patients, I have the deepest respect for the amazing and challenging work you do. But there is an aspect of infertility that reproductive endocrinology can not treat. Acknowledging this with your patients and doing what you can to direct them to the support they need will go far in bolstering them through this challenging process.
