So Many Mistakes

“After so many mistakes, what direction shall I go?”

Yet another day have I wrestled with this question. Past mistakes haunting me, I am determined to not make any more. I chose to fast today, to ensure my mind and body was most receptive to an answer.

For the past three days I have read, or actually practiced “speed reading” various books on meditation, and yogis, in my ferocious determination to to find my answer.

The pain of having built a company up, creating 30 new products, increasing revenue by 500% in 18 months, and then having a high priced law firm hired to find ways to show my equity agreement was invalid, still haunts me. Betrayal, deception, false rumors all still stinging. Stubbornly I admit great lessons were learned in the ordeal.

If I came to experience betrayal, who better to play the part than the one I trusted for over 48 years. My spirit delights at having had the opportunity to practice exercises in forgiveness, unconditional love, and mindfulness… some with others, lots toward myself.

Yet my logical mind is quick to instigate — you can’t pay bills with forgiveness and unconditional love won’t put a kid through college. Oh the mistakes I’ve made… so many. How can I know the right thing to do now? How can I ensure I don’t pick the wrong path again?

What now? For days my prayers bounce off the ceiling. Meditations quickly turning to long naps. Am I really fasting or just can’t eat due to worry and stress? The dog pees on the carpet… might as well have been on my head.

I stare into nothing, so tired of thinking… of worrying. My mind finally goes quiet. Exhausted. Empty.

A humming bird hovers outside my window. I watch it melodically dance in the air, greeting me with great fondness and interest. As if it came to deliver a message, suddenly the answers come into my mind… 

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