To you, SMH.

Hi baby,

I’m thinking about Death. You may think that I am crazy, but I’m not. You see, I’ve lived for 28 years and there hasn’t been a day when I think about Death as much as today. I think it’s appropriate to think about Death, isn’t it, when there will be one day that Death will look at me in the eyes and say 'It' s time’. I don’t know how I will react when Death says that, maybe I’ll coyly say ‘Fuck you, it’s not time yet, I’ll stick around a bit longer’. Anyway, it’s up to me to decide later.

When I think about Death, I don’t think death as an action or a process, rather as a figure or person. He’s standing on my shoulder, the left one to be precise. Death is not an omnipotent or overpowering figure, about 20 cm tall and when Death stands, Death is about 10 cm shorter than the top of my head. That’s why I’m not scared of Death, at least when I write this. I can never see Death’s face, Death is wearing a hoodie, and this hoodie casts such a dark shadow that none of his facial features are visible to my mind’s eyes. Death’s cloth is long, dark blue in colour. Actually, it’s more of a robe than a cloth. In Death’s right hand, Death grips an oversized scythe. Ithe scythe stands taller than Death. I think that when my time here is done, Death will swing the scythe across my neck, and that’s that. I’ve imagined that Death has tried to swing the scythe a number of times, but my head’s still here, connecting my brain to my body, intact and alive. “Nice try buddy”, I thought with some arrogance.

And I realised it today baby, that Death has been standing there all the while. Even before I met you, or graduated from University. Death stood there even before I could learn to talk, or walk. In fact Death had been there since Day One. It does make sense that Death is there since Day One. Being alive, like today, means having to accept risk and reward. By being together you, my reward is huge, to take your kisses, your hugs, your love and in a mature level, as my guide to my Higher Self. My risk, would therefore be the risk of losing you one day, the pain that sometime we inflict on each other. But it’s all fair and square baby, the reward is greater than that of the risk.

Similarly, Death is a risk and Life is a reward. Now, Life is also a figure or a person. Life is on my right shoulder, about the same size and light in colour, perhaps beige or off-white. I can’t quite wrap my mind across Life yet, but I’m sure Life will materialise clearly in my mind one day.

Let’s come back to Death, I don’t mind Death standing on my left shoulder. Actually, Death is with everyone, standing on your left shoulder, mum’s left shoulder, dad’s, my brothers’ and even Raphael’s.

Do I want Death to swing the scythe soon to me, you, mum, dad, my brothers’ and Raphael? No. I don’t.

But I know that it’s not according to my wants, expectations and wish. Death swings as Death wish. And when Death is successful one day, what would we feel? I don’t know, it’s still a fuzzy blur for me. But, I’ll find out one day, Death. And I’ll make sure that I find out before you’re successful. Let’s have a little competition.

Speak soon,

Js

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