A Challenge To Be Yourself

For the past three decades, I have lived for my family. And for that I am grateful. Following the path they laid out for me led me to where I am today. I was prudently taught to stick to the rules, study to get into a prestigious university and secure a respected job — to achieve success.

This is true for many children, especially those of immigrant parents. Parents who moved to the United States for opportunity. The opportunity to start with a blank slate, work hard, earn a paycheck, a promotion, success. All for the wellbeing of the family.

Well, starting with a blank slate in a different country, can also mean starting from the bottom. It can mean navigating the rejection of hard-earned graduate degrees, the loneliness of giving up your only support systems, and the uncertainty of assimilating to a foreign way of life. So naturally, our parents teach us that success is earned, and it defines who we are.

This made sense to me. If I followed this formula, I would live a successful, fulfilling life. But what does success truly mean? To our parents, it meant justifying the sacrifice of uprooting their lives. It meant working tirelessly to provide for us. Their unwavering wish to protect us from failure, manifested in their resilience, is something I’m proud of and will never fully grasp. So we continue to justify that sacrifice by playing by these rules and striving for this version of success.

However, a few weeks ago a friend shared a story that made me rethink this paradigm. He divulged that until the recent ill-treatment of Black people across the nation catalyzed him to share his unfiltered thoughts with the public, he had felt like a muted version of himself. This tipping point in his life forced him to disregard what people expected of him, and to share his story*. He described it as feeling like he was coming out as Black.

Those words stuck with me. In a completely different way, I felt like I had been going through life as a censored version of myself. My desire to meet others’ expectations had led me to be someone else. Not just for my family, but for all those whose respect I wished to earn. But what if I wasn’t muted? What if I proposed that unconventional idea in today’s meeting? What if I spoke up when I heard that pejorative remark? What if I convinced you Androids are better than iPhones? That would’ve been me.

So today I start living to meet my own expectations. Striving for my definition of success. To me, success isn’t defined by what’s on paper, but the impact we make on the world around us. Success is living a life of bravery, where we no longer stick to the rules. Where we challenge the status quo, and don’t fear judgment from anyone else. Lives where we are the most authentic versions of ourselves.

We’ve all heard it before, “be yourself.” A phrase casually plastered all over grade school hallways, trending influencer accounts, and that writing class you took once. It seems elementary, but what does it actually take to be yourself? I can confidently say I have never fully “been myself.” There are parts of me I regulate for the public, for my colleagues, for those close to me, and for my overcritical self. However, taking time to learn what it means to be yourself is necessary, and enlightening. And it’s something I’m still learning.

We all have a story. A real story that defines us, behind the facade of “success.” A series of events and observations that have delimited our world, impacted our perspective, and changed who we are. All of which are completely unknown to the person standing next to us. Instead of ignoring these stories, we need to think about them, share them, and learn from them. We need to ask each other about them, and we need others to listen.

So I challenge you to join me, to let go of what you’ve been taught your entire life, keep reevaluating what success means to you, share your story, and come out into this world as yourself. This process will be uncomfortable, it will take work, and it will be tough. Especially in a society where we are constantly judged, and the internet makes that easy. A society where my last social media post really wasn’t captivating enough for the masses. Well frankly, I don’t give a damn. I’m just being myself.

*check out the powerful stories shared to help heal racism in our community