6 Months At The National Technical For The Deaf (Part 9)

Posted on July 24, 2022, by S8B1992

Wow! I can’t believe that it’s already been ten years in 2021! I’m still OBSESSED with every moment of my college experience from Fall 2011 to Winter 2012. Yeah! I’m consciously overthinking how much I reflect too much on good and bad memories. But what you’re reading here is probably TOXIC, UNHEALTHY, or REPETITIVE. I was only 19 years old in my naivety of real-world problems on my own after completing my high school diploma.

DAVID CARDONA IS AN OBJECT OF MY AFFECTION: MORE DETAILS IN FEBRUARY 2012

On the way to our dormitories after the library closed at 3 AM, David Cardona had agreed to walk with me because he was so fuckin’ sweet. Shortly after we left the Wallace Center of Library and were on our way back to the dorms, he noticed that I was acting strangely around him as we walked together in the snowy cold air. I didn’t know what to tell him immediately, so I decided to come clean about myself and tell David how I deeply felt for him.

I’VE HAD SOME CHALLENGING MOMENTS OF SHARING MY TRUE COLORS WITH HIM.

Shawn: “Now it’s just you and me. There’s nobody in here. It’s just the two of us. I have something to tell you.”

David halted his walking and seemed to be becoming progressively perplexed up to the point when I was about to inform him in American Sign Language. I suppose I scared the hell out of him! LOL! As soon as I came to a halt, I reflected on what Jocelyn had said to me over the Christmas holiday in December 2011. Despite my protests, she was adamant that I was in love with him. It occurred to me that she was somewhat correct in her assessment of how I felt about David…

SHE KNEW THAT BEFORE I COULD TELL. HOW THE HELL DID SHE KNOW?!

Shawn: “I kind of like you. You’ve been really sweet to me. I don’t think I deserve you as my dearest friend, but you accidentally became emotionally available to me every day. I was wondering whether or not you could be my Mr. Right. I think you are the one. Soulmate.”

David: “Huh? What the hell you talking about?”

STILL CONFUSED AS HELL.

Shawn: “Can I kiss you? Would you let me kiss you? Please. It’s all I’ve been thinking about right now. I am madly in love with you.”

DAVID THREW UP HIS HANDS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE AS FAST AS HE COULD!

In fact, he was practically putting his hands so close to my face at one point because David didn’t want to get a kiss from me. He protects himself as a shield, avoiding every move I make.

BUT I NEVER KISSED HIM, THOUGH!

I NEVER even made a single movement on my part, NOT a single muscle! I merely asked for permission, and that’s all! It was as simple as saying yes or no! I knew he’d hit me in the face if I didn’t seek his consent. This is why I had to ask first, right? I understand that some individuals risk being punished without getting approval from someone they know, sometimes because it turns out just OK and harmless, but what about those like me who weren’t as lucky? I envy someone who did this without permission and WITHOUT being punished simultaneously! They couldn’t kiss someone without getting slapped or hit in the face. That’s what I wondered. How?

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE?

I’ve NEVER seen anyone do that in real life, just in romantic movies and television programs. Still, I want it so badly in my life! Fuck my life! I knew I wasn’t one of the fortunate individuals who had a fairy-tale kiss. I was NEVER considered lucky in my life.

DAVID:“NO! NO, NO, NO!”

David: “No! No, no, NO!”

MY LUNGS, THROAT, MOUTH, AND NOSE EXPELLED A FRUSTRATINGLY FRIGID AIR IN A LENGTHY RESPIRATORY FAILURE!

My 19-year-old self felt so terribly worthless and desperate since I NEVER pushed myself on David because he was so tremendously athletic as a wrestler and maybe physically dangerous. If I had purposely disregarded his rejections, he would’ve beaten me up over it. I was still afraid of that risk.

Because of this, I decided NOT to make a big deal out of it by creating a dramatic controversy. I must let it go. Just drop this mess and move forward.

David has just become aware that I’m somewhat dissatisfied with his rejection of me kissing him. He exhorted me to take responsibility for my actions and advised me to improve my situation rather than sit about like a cliché or a stereotypical “damsel in distress” waiting for a prince charming to come to my help. He asked me to stop waiting for someone to make the first move on me and take me to the castle in a magical wagon since I now live in the real world and romantic fantasies don’t work that way here.

DAVID (half-assed apologizing): “Is there someone in RIT/NTID here whom you found attractive? I couldn’t be the only one that you like. If you’ll accept my apologies, I’m purely a pussy lover. I ain’t gonna change my sexual identity for you. I can’t do that.”

SHAWN: “There are no people here that I really like! Nobody, not one of ’em!”

DAVID: “Are you for real? Are you sure you’re not in love with anybody? Many attractive men you see at this campus is astonishing, trust me! We have almost 30,000 students registered at RIT/NTID! Some men here are openly gay, while others are hiding in closets and not quite ready to come out as you are. Some of them have never notified their families or classmates about their sexual orientation since high school. I believe you should keep searching for one, and I’m confident you will find one.”

SHAWN: “I’m not sure I can meet anyone any better than you. You’re everything I’m looking for! In my opinion, you are just perfect. It’s like you fell for someone at first sight. In no way, shape, or form will I ever compare anybody else to you!”

DAVID: “I can guarantee that there will always be someone who is probably better than I am to you. Are you 100% sure that there are no deaf guys at NTID that you would be interested in dating, fucking, or kissing? Please give them a chance. I know that you just enrolled here a few months ago. Just be patient. Just wait and you will see soon.”

SHAWN (scoffs): “I’ve been trying to get out, trying to get laid, trying to get a first kiss. There’s this guy long before I met you. That man’s name is Zachary Seguin. He’s the one I’ve had a crush on since 2010. Me and him are about the same age. I’m only 3 months older than him, which is a bit different. He’s Scorpio and I’m Leo.”

DAVID (lightly chuckling): “Oh, absolutely! I know who Zach is! Zach and I shared a class together this semester. Well, I can tell you he’s a bit queer. I believe you two would be an interesting multiracial combination!”

SHAWN: “No, you’re still missing the point! Zach has amicably rejected me four months ago in the underground tunnel. That was before I saw you in the computer lab at Nathaniel Rochester Hall.”

DAVID: “What?! You’re kiddin’ me, right? He’s totally gay! I’m telling you, he’s got to be! I think he’s hiding in the closet. I’m not sure Zachary is ready to come out, not yet. The way he moves his arms and hands in sign language makes him seem so much more effeminate, sissy, and gay to me. If I knew I was straight, I wouldn’t be acting so effeminately. He’s way too flamboyant, colorful, and flashy!”

SHAWN: “Of course, I know what you’re referring to. That’s one of the reasons I found him attractive. True Blood on HBO is one of our favorite television shows, and we spoke about it. We haven’t had a lot of discussions on Facebook or in person, over the past couple of months. During a brief encounter in the underground tunnel on that Halloween night, just a few yards from the laundry, he flirted with me. The gorilla mask he was wearing covered him up. He pretended to have sex with the left side of my waistline, just as I was about to walk away from him. He was only fooling around with me because he was bored. I was like, ‘who the fuck are you?’ I was totally unaware that it was him. I finally got the mask off and found out it was him!”

DAVID: “Well, I think you might want to give him another chance. Perhaps he’s going to slowly open up to you.”

SHAWN: “He already said no and he didn’t want me, but it’s NOT the most painful aspect of rejection. What he did to me was essentially a pat on the shoulder, as if to pity me, which I took as a false compliment. I don’t like it when people started patting me on the shoulder. Come on, you’re better than Zach! You have a marvelous listening capability. You have understood almost everything that I have told you. You’re the only one I’ve ever told. I didn’t share much information with him.”

DAVID: “Ah, it makes perfect sense, and I see what you mean. I had no idea that I was the only one you confided in, especially considering how openly you shared your personal information. With all due respect, how you feel about me is just irrationally bizarre. You could say I’m flattered, but I didn’t expect that. I was really taken aback when you put your faith in me like that.”

SHAWN: “Now you know why I thought of you that way, but at the same time, I didn’t try to make you uncomfortable. Please accept my apologies.”

DAVID: “Uh, you know, I had no notion that your personal sentiments for me specifically were increasing in an abnormal intense way of obsession.”

SHAWN: “Ah! Wait! I have an idea! There’s no need for you to be my boyfriend or anything like that, but I remember you telling me in November that you were open-minded and bi-curious, and I thought that was really cool. You said you only would do it for the movie. Let’s say we’re Hollywood stars and kiss together just like Heath and Jake did in Brokeback Mountain. What do you say, huh? Could you teach me about kissing? I’m not much of a kisser. Can you do it for me, please? Please! I beg you until I die!”

David broke out laughing exceptionally loudly, and I felt the vibrations of his laughter while we were walking side by side. It was adorable. I wish I could hear his voice, but it’s a pity I’m deaf.

HE WAS SO OBSERVANT, AND HE KNEW THAT THE IDEA OF KISSING HIM WAS AN INEVITABLE FAILURE.

DAVID (smiling awkwardly): “I appreciate your efforts, but I’m not like that. I knew where you were going with this idea. Don’t even think about manipulating me into kissing you. No, no. That’s how you plan it!”

SHAWN (playfully begging): “Teach me, then! I’m so desperately dying of starvation to learn the mystery of kissing! How am I supposed to kiss correctly? Tell me something I haven’t figured out yet! Anything! Please!”

We recently walked past the student center, gym, and social service buildings, several yards and blocks away from Gracie’s cafeteria and a few dormitories. David started to walk again, this time slower as if looking at his options weightily. He wasn’t looking at me while he was looking at the rigid pavement streets.

AFTER THINKING UNRESPONSIVELY ABOUT MY YEARNING TO KISS, HE LOOKED AT ME DEADPAN, SELF-COMPOSEDLY.

DAVID: “You’re more than welcome to start with an apple if you’d like. Apple.”

That was all he could come up with. Seriously! My face gave him an unsatisfied facial expression of the WTF and why-are-you-torturing-me-like-this, you know? I gave him a fiery look of disapproval, knowing that he had toyed with my heart only to make me a fool, but at the same time, I didn’t know how to get mad at him because of his infectious smile. He bodily chortled and snickered.

HE ENJOYED TORTURING ME BECAUSE I DIDN’T GET MY DESERVED KISS.

DAVID: “I ain’t gonna bullshit you! I’m serious! You gotta start somewhere! Look, I know what you’re thinkin’! To be a good kisser, Apple can take a lot of hard work, hours, days, and years of self-training. You might want to give it a shot.”

He tried hard to convince me that I almost wanted to believe him. The problem is that David’s sense of humor utterly contradicts his intentions. He could also be a perfectly manipulative liar, even if he were a top-notch kisser!

HE COULD’VE BEEN A TRICKSTER GOD LIKE LOKI IN NORSE MYTHOLOGY!

I was so concernedly skeptical of his mockery-style suggestions. I knew David could play me for a fool, so he could pride himself on bragging to his peers and friends behind my back, you know? No, thank you!

I DON’T WANT TO BE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS OR SECRETLY LAUGHED AT!

I dreaded the notion of making love to an apple. That’s why I’ve chosen to AVOID the indiscreet experiment of kissing an apple. It’s NEVER worth it if you look so stupid doing that.

Then the next thing happened, David came up with another crazy idea while making out with the palm of his hand in his mouth. He NEVER inserted his teeth and tongue into his own hand. He wasn’t actually using his lips on his hand, but he gave me a visual sample so I could see what he was doing. I think he just showed off as a striptease joke.

WELL, HIS MOUTH WAS QUITE CLOSE AND AROUND THE EDGES OF THE CURVE OF HIS HAND.

DAVID: “Can you feel your thumb's soft, curved side in your mouth? Do it right now!”

I’m slightly aroused by how he showed it to me and gettin’ turned on by this idea. It’s almost a success! The art of kissing in the making, maybe. Just maybe.

I DID WHAT HE WANTED ME TO WHILE FLIRTATIOUSLY OBEYING HIM AND PUTTING IT IN MY MOUTH.

I’ve already tasted the curved side of my thumb with tongue and lips, even so, fucking close to the plump palm of my hand that it might be easily injured if bitten. The curved side of the thumb and chubby palm are weak, fragile, and soft simultaneously.

DAVID: “This is precisely how you should train yourself to use your lips and tongue. Put it on your lips and make out with it. Don’t forget to use your creative juices to the test. Repeat this as many times as you possibly can.”

SHAWN: “Hmm… All right. I’ll try this idea later.”

David and I walked beside one another in the bitingly cold air until we reached three dorms 40 yards away from the NTID building. I NEVER told him about my desire to take kissing lessons from a lesbian scene in the “Cruel Intentions” movie, which takes place in the late 1990s.

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINED KISSING THIS MAN, WHO WAS SO CHARMINGLY GENEROUS TO WALK WITH ME OUTSIDE AT THREE IN THE MORNING!

There were two Jewish actresses: Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair. This scene, in particular, was one of my favorites, and it even outdid the film as a whole. I felt that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair had done a wonderful job of inspiring me to copy that behavior with David Cardona; as a result, I ultimately failed! I still believe that it could happen if he let me! He didn’t have to walk with me, but he did, anyway. He deserved a kiss for making sure I got to the dorm safely.