Don’t call me brave

Calling my girlfriend brave one more time, ironically, would be an act of bravery in itself. Right now it’s not her favourite word, in fact it’s downright making her uncomfortable, and for a while I struggled to understand why.

These past few weeks Shannon has challenged my interpretation of bravery, in all the right ways. Bravery, I have come to truly understand, infers that an element of choice has played out somewhere along the line. There has to be an awareness of risk or sacrifice, an acknowledgement of it, and a subsequent action in spite of it. Kind of like that bumper sticker bullshit ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. This in no way should detract from the character of any individual pursuing that which is deemed to be ‘brave’. It’s just that how brave you are, syncs with how much risk you’re prepared to dance with.

But what if you find yourself thrust onto a dance floor with risk and sacrifice, without actually having chosen to dance? You weren’t even aware you were at a disco in the first place. Despite the fact that in your wisdom you know nothing in life can ever be certain (actually it’s an aspect of all our lives which you genuinely revel in) in this instance you have not made a calculated choice to raise the stakes on how your next chapter will read. Even so in the aftershock of the stakes being raised you continue to flutter through your days and nights with a remarkable grace and poise which has set you apart for 25 years, and so everyone you know (and of course heaps of people you don’t) shower you with proclamations of bravery. And you shift in your seat, a little perplexed; because you feel whole fucking heartedly you have done NOTHING to warrant it, you screw your face up at the mere mention of ‘brave’ because as you put it you’re ‘just living your life’.

I admit that I put this down to your selfless strength of character, one of a mountain of things about you which I’ve fallen so madly in love with. I marvel at how majestically you have navigated the past 18 days since the biopsy results came back and the c word torpedoed any immediate plans you had. I’ve lost count the number of times your brutal honesty and sense of humour about what’s looming over the horizon has left us both tangled in a mess of belly laughter. Even at a time like this, we still have the most fun when it should be such an impossibility. Mad, really. It’s this beautiful stoicism you possess which is precisely why so many upon hearing your news have gravitated towards you and felt compelled to call you brave. Still you were having none of it, no, you were not being brave. And you were right, you weren’t.

You were being courageous.

Epitomising strength in the face of uninvited sacrifice. Uninvited risk. I came across this quote which for me captures everything about you perfectly:

‘Courage is a love affair with the unknown’ Osho

Shannon you are so courageous, and so full of love, you have redefined for me the greatest of all human virtues. You see everything that life throws at you, especially the stuff you didn’t see coming, as a lesson in living and loving. I am a better man for being by your side.

What comes next remains a mystery. But it’s the manner in which you have so honestly and eloquently confronted the reality of what you know for certain, whilst embracing the uncertainty of what might become, which has your audience awe struck. No one more so than me, proud would be a serious understatement.

I wish I could swap places with you. Instead my love I will make you a heartfelt promise, that whatever the unknown becomes you will want for nothing, and always feel beloved.