#ProjectTom — Entry Three: The Love Boat “Sergeant Bull/Friends and Lovers/Miss Mother”

Scott Fluhler
Aug 23, 2017 · 10 min read

(August 28th, 2015: 7:46 PM)

It’s sundown in Santa Monica as I watch my neighbor attempt to parkour his way onto the apartment building’s rooftop and then scramble away to do… well, I can’t imagine what this portly Persian man is doing on the roof. But I can’t start this episode of The Love Boat until I see portly Persian man Funniest-Home-Video his way down. Saget would have a field day with this guy. Twenty minutes later. Some close calls but nothing useable. Bummer.

Moving on.

We find ourselves in 1980 still, (since Tom Cruise did not have a credited on-screen role until 1981) face-to-face with Hanks guest starring on an episode of The Love Boat entitled: “Sergeant Bull/Friends and Lovers/Miss Mother”. Having never seen The Love Boat before, it took me a solid fifteen minutes of frustrated Google searching to discover that these episode titles are in reference to the A, B and C plots. It’s all the same episode. Welcome Aboard, ya dingus!

PLAY

I love old credit sequences. Everybody is so happy. Simpler times. Woah, check this star power! Tom Hanks…obviously. Doris Roberts…Marie Barone. Dennis Cole?…wow. Wait, where do I know Dennis Cole from? Checking…checking… I have no idea why I know this guy. Uhoh, Google says alcohol problems prevented stardom for this “virile, beefcake blond of the late 1960s and 1970s”. This Google rabbit hole took a dark turn.

And finally Nipsey Russell… who, why the hell do I know this guy’s name now? Played Tinman in The Wiz, but I’ve never seen The Wiz… It seems phantom memories of 80′s stars are incepting their way into my mind.

Whatever. Everybody else is just so damn happy still. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing at something else off screen and slow turn. Oh, hey camera! Didn’t see you there.

Originally posted by messparty

Helicopter shots of the boat as I stop to think: what is this show? Is the idea that The Love Boat is a single’s cruise? Like a swinger situation maybe? Bachelor in Paradise of the ‘80s.

And the smiles and laughter don’t stop at the credits. Isaac “Your Bartender” just yukkin’ it up over here. Grinning from ear to ear. I’m in a great mood. I should pause the show right now and call my mom. Nah, it’s 10 PM in Huntley, IL. I can’t interrupt her Jimmy Fallon time.

Welcome aboard to literally everyone. Cue our beautiful woman who…record scratch…is two months pregnant and choosing to board a cess-pool of disease that is a cruise ship. Not to mention a singles’ cruise which is bound to be loaded with a whole host of other not-so-family-friendly diseases. What are you doing here?! But, keeping with one of my cardinal movie watching rules, if no one else on camera seems to be concerned, then neither will I. Aannnnnddd she calls her doctor a fuss-budget!! Amazing.

Here comes that virile beefcake of the late 60’s and 70’s, Dennis Cole, employing the old, I think I know you…no? Well, you look just like this beautiful woman I used to have sex with…so…you know… Tread lightly Dennis. This one is with child and — -

TOM HANKS! Here we go. Enough of this waiting an hour into a shitty thriller movie to see our main man. Rick Martin. Ahoy! The music swells. Pause. Rewind. Replay. Sorry, just making sure the soundtrack I’m hearing is coming from the actual show and not just my imagination. Nope, it’s legit. We’re good. Strike-Out Smith AKA Gopher tells us that Rick/Hanks is an old frat brother of his who used to beat him out in everything. Duh. It’s Hanks.

TOOT TOOT We’re leaving port! So is this show basically a different cruise every week? New passengers are your three or four new guest stars with the crew as your regulars. Not bad, not bad.

Some discussion between the Ship’s doctor and “single-and-pregnant” lady about how she’s alone but holding strong and going to have this child. Doc suggests ABORTION?! Heyoooo. This is 1980 and we’re talking abortion on The Love Boat. Is this not ground-breaking? Anyone? Seems ground-breaking.

Single-and-pregnant drops a “Monkey’s Uncle” on Dennis Cole. She speaks funny and I can’t tell if it’s intentional or just how people spoke then.

Checking in with this Army buddies runner that’s going here. I guess these guys agreed to meet their 65+ Army Sergeant on a singles cruise because I guess they missed marching in formation? Sarge seems like a real prick. You aren’t in Army anymore, why agree to this vacation? Must’ve been nearing the expiration date on Groupon. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Groupon somehow already feels like a dated reference. Crazy.)

Slick Rick Martin sitting pool-side getting rubbed down by three gorgeous girls in bikinis. Hair is lookin’ good and he’s living the life. Says he retired by age of 30. And…he’s kind of…a…dick. Hanks is playing a dick? He blatantly makes a move on Strike-out Smith’s girl! I don’t like this one bit. Wake up Tom! This isn’t you and neither is that banana hammock.

We pick back up with this crew later that night as everyone dances in the ball room and Rick asks to cut in? The “Cut In”. Don’t see that move much these days. Maybe it’s because no one does “classy” dances anymore. I imagine the move is harder to pull off when two people are grinding in some club. The “Cut In” requires a discernible amount of physical space between bodies to “cut in” to. And is it ever possible to make this move without coming off as a total dick? If you asked me this same question thirty minutes ago, I would’ve said maybe Hanks could pull it off…maybe… but he can’t. I’m looking at him doing it right now and even he looks like a dick.

PAUSE. Alright. I need a breather for a second because I’m turning on Hanks and I’m turning on him fast. Placing myself in the shoes of someone in 1980. I don’t know Tom Hanks from…Alan. Or whatever that phrase is. He appears on The Love Boat as a prick. And now that I reflect further on his role in He Knows You’re Alone. He kind of came off as a pompous know-it-all who literally tripped this poor girl mid-run.

Would I even like Tom Hanks if these were the first two roles I saw him in? This is a confusing time for me.

Maybe portly Persian man is back on the roof and I can see a good prat fall to get my spirits back up. Nope. It’s dark. It’s also a friday night and now that I think of it, I should close these blinds so people can’t peek in at the guy watching The Love Boat by himself…yeesh.

PLAY. Back to the episode, where I think I’ve cracked what The Love Boat is. It’s a weekly who-dun-it style show where we try to determine which couple will end up getting together? Will it be Strike-Out Smith and his fake girlfriend? Hanks steals fake girlfriend? Dennis Cole and single-and-pregnant? A couple to be named at a later time?

Pajama game is STRONG in this show. Late night meet-up between Strike-Out Smith/AKA Gopher and Isaac “the clueless and uncomfortable bartender”. Isaac rocking the leopard print silk. Strike-Out Smith wearing a little boy’s sheriff print. Unnecessary but interesting.

Then Gopher takes Isaac’s encouragement to go after fake girlfriend for real-sies and flips it into a meeting with the Captain of the entire fucking ship. Gopher wants to ask if crew members are allowed to get married?! Things move fast on The Love Boat.

Single-and-pregnant (aka Gwen — as you’re gathering already, character names rarely stick with me) still holding back her bombshell from Dennis Cole. More talk between these two of falling in love. Is this ship traveling through some Bermuda Triangle-style LOST multi-verse where a period of 24 hours is actually weeks/months? Everybody’s talking love and marriage and it’s been half an episode. …that’s The Love Boat!

Someone dropped a “Turkey”. Two for two so far on use of turkey in 1980.

Now we see more of Hanks being a shallow womanizer. DOES NOT COMPUTE. My brain may shut down if he doesn’t straighten his shit out by the end of this episode.

Late push for hook-up of the cruise goes to Maid Doris Roberts and the Sarge. I’ve been largely ignoring this plot because:
A) It’s terrible.
B) It makes no sense.
C) Did I mention it’s terrible?
To catch you up, since apparently now even the Sarge is going to fall in love…his Army buddies finally realized that their Sarge is no fun whatsoever and now have to figure a way to not get waken up at 6 AM by him playing the bugle. Their solution? Grab the ship’s maid and tell her to seduce him. After twenty seconds of hesitation, she agrees.

And the bomb is DROPPED! Single-and-pregnant Gwen admits she’s madly in love…after two days…and I’m starting to see how she found herself pregnant and single. Dennis now decides to refer to their relationship as a “ship fling”, which is off-base only if we are to believe this Bermuda Triangle love vortex. But “ship fling” is actually quite accurate. And now HE asks about abortion?! Damn, The Love Boat! Really distancing themselves from the Brady Bunch era I see. Only, no one in TV land has upgraded to full-size beds yet.

Here’s Dennis, almost vomiting because the pregnancy news is too much to handle. Or is it sympathy morning sickness?…find out after these words from our sponsors!

FINAL ACT BREAK:
- Will Dennis stick around or will he undo two FULL days of courtship and love with this single-and-pregnant stranger?
- Will two crew members, after pretending to date one another for two days, marry on the high seas?
- Will Doris the maid do the Army guys a real solid and sleep with the Sarge?
- Will Tom Hanks ever become self-aware and stop being a prick to everyone?!
- Will Captain ever stop laughing at his own Dad jokes (forgot to write it down but the gist of the joke was a baker rolling in dough)?
That’s a lot of plates spinning!

Answer One (Dennis and single-and-pregnant): Dennis flew back to LA immediately! Hardest laugh this episode has gotten out of me so far. I wonder if he left that little cloud that Roadrunner leaves behind in Looney Tunes cartoons?

Answer Two (Gopher and fake girlfriend): Strike-out Gopher and fake girlfriend (who kind of looks like Elizabeth Banks to me right now) meet up, decide they are in love, kiss…and then decide promptly that they are just friends. Well if that story wasn’t a red herring…

Answer Three (Doris Roberts and the Sarge): Sarge discovers that Doris the Maid was told to seduce him as he loudly proclaims: “War isn’t hell! Love is!” — A true deep cut Tinder profile addition for those in the market.

This plot line is quickly 180’d again as Doris and the Army idiots return to the Sarge’s cabin to make up. Sarge caves. We have a winn’ah! And doubling down, the Sarge says that everyone should wait 30 YEARS and then re-convene for Doris and his anniversary. Which either means they got married off-screen already or he has no idea what a wedding anniversary is. Both equally as likely.

We have a Dennis and single-and-pregnant Gwen update! Dennis used the long flight from Mexico back to LA to reflect on his sudden departure and…he was wrong. So he rushed to the port in the hopes that he could sweep the now crushed Gwen off her feet. And…it works. Oh, you! Dennis says it was just his “male ego and his female love”. What was that now? #feminism (2 for 2 on “Turkeys” and #feminism for those keeping score) I smell a divorce for these two and if the Love Boat timelines are any precedent…this divorce could be finalized by the time they walk to the end of the pier.

Answer Four (Will Hanks redeem himself?): Hanks asks Strike-Out Gopher what his “secret” is. Showing vulnerability…okay…okay… Gopher responds: “Start with a friend.” Hanks…rolls his eyes, makes a face and walks away. No redemption and I’m, frankly, fuming.

I bet Hanks regrets the role to this day.

Answer Five (Will Captain stop laughing at his own dad jokes?): Local folklore says that on dark nights near Cozumel, if you listen very closely, you can still hear the Captain laughing in the distance repeating the same words… “Baker rolling in dough. Baker rolling in dough.”

End of episode and I’ve got to say that there’s a major opportunity missed by not having Isaac straight up turn to the camera at the end of every episode and just shout: “That’s The Love Boat!”

)
Scott Fluhler

Written by

#ProjectTom is back. Enjoy my brain dump

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade