Navigating entrepreneurship in the digital world with high functioning anxiety.
Three years ago, at 11 pm at night, I distinctly remember a feeling of overwhelming fear and inadequacy. My phone beeped and buzzed and I knew, without looking, which client was trying to get my attention.
For the past six years, I have freelanced as a wedding photographer, graphic designer, app developer, user experience designer, promotion girl (yes I was the Duracell Bunny once), and did almost any kind of work I could get hired to do.
For as long as I remember, I had a minimum of two side-hustles while having a full-time job and studying full time.
You might think this is impressive, as I’ve been told before, but for someone who was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder at the age of 15, all the hustle had taught me was how to obsessively keep pushing myself until I burnt out.
Regardless of all the achievements, I somehow still did not feel worthy of the titles, awards or accomplishments.
In 2019, I finally decided to stop hustling and focus on one full-time job in the hopes of reducing the anxiety I felt and getting better sleep. However, a year ago, during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, I had a nervous breakdown.
I remember not being able to get out of bed for days. I cried every time I had to open my laptop and attend a team meeting. I agonized over every email I had to send out.
I sat alone in my apartment, having not seen friends or family for two months, trying to rationalize the career decisions that landed me in the position I was in. I thought that I had everything I ever wanted and worked so hard for; a high-paying job, a team to manage, authority to make decisions, a proverbial “seat at the adult’s table”.
I later realized that my unhappiness stemmed from the frustration of not actually having the authority I thought I had and having to carry out decisions that I did not agree with. I craved the autonomy I once had. It took a lot of strength and courage to admit how deeply miserable and unfulfilled I was.
The Entrepreneur Life
I decided to quit my job to re-start my side-hustle full time in the hopes of having more control over my day and decisions.
I had read books, listened to podcasts, and spoke to mentors about entrepreneurship and the possible effects on my mental health. I thought I was ready for the anxiety that comes from the blending of personal and professional worlds; I was not.
The last six months of being an entrepreneur have induced levels of anxiety, joy, fear and stress that I have not experienced before.
Trying to build a business in an almost-post-COVID, mostly remote, digital world, has left me feeling the need to always be on and available. Creating boundaries, setting routines, and being accountable to my mental health limits, has been the biggest challenge.
What anxiety looks like for me in the digital world
- Drafting emails in my notes and re-reading and re-writing them for two days. Scanning for any signs of emotions or trigger words as to not upset the person receiving it because I feel responsible for how they interpret what I say.
- Worrying over how people will respond in situations and trying to be prepared for every possible outcome.
- Playing out or rehearsing difficult conversations over and over until hours, days or weeks have passed and I have not yet had “the talk”.
- Trying to research and read through every possible article and YouTube video on the situation I am in before feeling confident to do what I was planning to do in the beginning.
- Saying yes to everything, being afraid to say no, allowing people to mistreat me and justifying other people’s actions, and using empathy as an excuse to understand their behaviour.
- My calendar is fully booked and I feel unproductive when I have time off.
- Avoiding difficult situations, and people-pleasing to create an environment that makes me feel safe and less anxious even when I know it won’t last long.
How I am actively trying to manage my anxiety
- Creating a weekly routine.
- Timeboxing activities and planning time off.
- Having regular discussions around my thoughts and processing problems with my friends and colleagues as opposed to trying to unpack everything alone.
- Setting firm boundaries around when it is time to work and where. Teaching and enforcing these boundaries with clients and colleagues and myself.
- Deleting email apps off my phone. Putting notifications off and training myself to not indulge in the fear of missing out and or the possibility of disappointing a client with a late reply.
- Not engaging about work over text messages, phone calls, or WhatsApp messages outside of working hours.
No right way
In retrospect, I have had to learn that my feelings of anxiety are not because of one particular type of work situation. It is a part of me, regardless of where I work or what I do.
I am learning to manage and control my reactions as opposed to continually changing my environment. I have learnt that avoiding my triggers is not healing. Healing happens when I am triggered and am able to move through the obsessive thoughts, the patterns, and the story and find a different ending.
Vulnerability is hard. Building a business you value is hard. Setting boundaries is hard. Admitting you may not know enough is hard. But not trying is even harder. So here is to the next 6 months of trying to navigate entrepreneurship in the digital world with high functioning anxiety.
