Introspection and Emotional Healing
How self-reflection and therapy have helped me in my psychological recovery.
Analyzing actions, feelings and thoughts are very important in psychological recovery and overall mental health. Over time and personal experience I have come to the realization that I understood myself better by practicing introspection, reflecting on my feelings, actions and behaviours to better understand why I was feeling the way that I was at that moment and why I decided to respond the way I did. I found this helpful to do both in situations where negative feelings are present and when positive ones are too. As it is important to address when you have done something wrong, reflect on times when you have done good as well. Being positive with yourself can make it easier to be positive with others.
So, you’ve reflected on your actions and feelings, great! Now what? This is where I have found therapy has helped me immensely. Firstly, being able to communicate the feelings I had or choices I made throughout the week and what I took from reflecting on these events with someone is a huge relief. But it is also reassuring knowing that you are speaking to someone who isn’t just listening to what you’re saying, but analyzing it as well; they are thinking of the best way to help you deal with these feelings, and ways to help you think of a better reaction when these feelings come up in the future.
I have struggled with anger a lot these past couple years. Which was really frustrating (I know, the irony) because my whole life I almost always remained level-headed and calm and suddenly I had this constant rage, on the verge of lashing out at those closest to me. My parents legally seperated about a year and a half after my brother passed away and to this day I do not think I have ever felt more anger in any point in my life than this without fully understanding just what was making me so angry. I found every little thing infuriating to no end. Once I had actually realized my own behaviours, I began reflecting on them and realizing some feelings I had about my parents’ divorce that I wasn’t entirely admitting to myself. I remember actually believing that it didn’t bother me for quite some time. Denial is a funny thing, isn’t it?
It can be really difficult to admit things to yourself, but it’s really important, even if you won’t admit it to others. Living in denial ultimately hurts more than it heals; if you cannot admit your feelings to yourself, how will you ever heal and learn from them? Whether it is your parents splitting, a break up, any kind of loss really, it is easy to push those feelings away because they’re hard to confront head-on. For me, that first night I really admitted deep scars from my experiences to myself, it was followed by profound sadness. Because you can’t really admit one upsetting feeling you have without reflecting on all the other things that are troubling you, can you? This leads to a very emotional self-confrontation. Personally, I like to reflect on my own. Being emotional with others, crying with them in the room, has always been awkward for me for the most part. Generally I write out some of these emotions. Writing a letter to someone when they have hurt or upset you can be really healing. (Of course, I wouldn’t recommend mailing these by any means.) These types of emotional expression are really painful, but incredibly healing for myself. However, I have found myself in concerning situations due to this level of emotion. I had taken time to confront my feelings which was followed by a very emotional breakdown, which I think is really good to do once in a while. I remember laying back on my couch and taking a deep breath then looking at the digital clock in my living room. I watched an entire hour pass with my eyes watering as I just couldn’t get myself to blink, or hold my mouth closed, or do anything I’d normally do in this situation. My dad came home and was trying to talk to me, give me water. But I was just... stuck. Obviously, I am not saying you’re going to go into some trance-like depressive state if you confront your problems, this was at a point in my life when my stress levels were excessively high. I am simply saying that confronting these emotions can be overwhelming, it may not be a bad idea to keep your phone close, or perhaps make sure you are not completely alone in your home. I also know many people that prefer to talk these things out with another person like a loved one or psychological expert even. I don’t think it matters how you go about these as long as you’re comfotable being completely honest with yourself with them in the room, that should be all that matters. If you’re like me and find it hard to open up to someone quickly, try reflecting on these thoughts alone first. I would go into therapy with a hundred things on my mind that I hadn’t addressed with myself. I wasted time often, not answering questions, sitting in silence trying to shuffle through my thoughts thinking “where the hell do I start?” Ultimately, I would abandon therapy claiming “it wasn’t for me.” In reality, I was just so uncomfortable with being vulnerable with myself, I was unable to be vulnerable with my therapist. Thus, I sat in silence, waiting for magic to absorb my issues. News flash: there is no magic, nothing was resolved.
I let these emotions and thoughts fester in my mind, avoiding introspection at all costs. At this point in my life, anything that could go wrong, seemed to. Everything happened so quickly, too. In the span of just two years I lost my brother, my mum had moved out and all my best friends and partner at the time left me because I was an emotional time-bomb. After all of my friends left, I didn’t really feel anything. I knew I was sad, but I didn’t feel very much. I didn’t confront these feelings properly until I was on my last leg.
You know when you slowly let your room become more and more messy and you keep thinking “I’ll get to it later.” Then, next thing you know, two months have passed and it has only gotten worse? Only now, the task is so taunting that you still put it off… it’s just too much! I think your mind can easily become your messy room, progressively getting worse and worse as we continually put off a good cleaning. My dad has told me my whole life that if you clean a little bit every day, you won’t have to spend a whole day trying to clean it later. Your mind is that way too; little things that bother you and emotions you feel throughout the day are important to address before they become too much. I left my brother’s death on the desk, my parents’ divorce on the floor, my break up in the wardrobe. Everytime I walked into my mental room, I was too overwhelmed to know where to start. Now, I ended up overdosing and sending my liver into failure and my family down a very emotional path. I will never blame a suicide on its victim, but after witnessing countless of my peers taken victim by suicide and what death does to families first-hand, guilt is something I deal with every day and will probably be something I have to work through for a long time. Take it from me, don’t let your mental mess get to this point, detox sucks!
When I was in the hopsital, I spoke to a psychiatrist and she told me that we all have a bucket with a bit of water in it. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, water is added to that bucket, making it heavier. Sometimes, it only takes a drop to cause it to spill over. This is a metaphor in which the bucket is your mind and the water is your struggles, essentially. It is important to be able to drain some of those struggles out of our buckets; though it will not directly solve the problem, expressing these feelings I have found has helped me with my stress management, anger and suicidal tendancies incredibly.
Once I could finally face my feelings and start to reap the benifits of therapy, it has been one of the best decisions I have made. Though, it wasn’t very easy to find the right fit, especially on a student’s budget. The community I live in provides ample cost-effective counselling services, often even free, which was very helpful for me to start looking for a therapist that was right for me. It can be process, but any communities have different options especially for those who can’t afford therapy. As of now, I am getting professional psychological therapy courtesey of my university. Honestly, I found any time I explained my situation and what I needed help with I was absolutely always referred to a specialist. Of course, I understand why this would be in my best interest, it was discouraging; instead of seeing that I was getting the best care possible, I saw that I was too damaged to be helped by these people. That was hard for me to overcome, and it certainly isn’t easy going over your issues a hundred times before your first actual session. But I have found that now I have found the right fit for myself, I am able to feel my psychological progression.
Being dishonest with other people isn’t always a bad thing, and refusing to share is okay. I think it’s important to remember that it is your mental health. A white lie isn’t always wrong in my opinion, but being honest with yourself is always a must. I do not think you can fully recover from something if you cannot admit it has hurt you. Accepting that you are hurting is the first step to healing and as painful as it is to clean the wound, once it is doen the rewards actually feel like rewards. Don’t let your bucket get too full, start taking time to drain out some of your struggles within yourself, and when you are ready, accept the help that is readily available for you.
