How to Unshit Yourself.

So, you’re a piece of shit.

You wake up every morning and lay in bed for far too long. When you finally do get up, you actually check your hair in the mirror to see if it’s greasy enough to require a shower. You actively decide to skip breakfast, maybe because your stomach hurts from drinking too much last night or maybe because you’re too lazy to cook when you just rolled out of bed. You spend way too much time watching Netflix or TV or some other passively soul-sucking activity. Most of the time you either order lunch in or eat leftovers from the night before. Dinner is usually eating out or microwaving something. You masturbate more than once a day, and usually while doing something disengaging like scrolling Facebook or searching for a new Netflix series. You aren’t working toward your one true dream: writing, or playing hockey, or owning a business. You’re doing nothing, both actively and passively.

You’re a piece of shit. And guess what? So is everyone at some point. It’s about damn time you become who you actually are and leave behind the pile of shit you’ve been rolling around in for months. Here's some simple, incredibly easy steps to help you unshit yourself.

Wake up at the same time everyday.

I don’t care if it’s 6am or 1pm. Set an ongoing alarm and wake up at that time EVERY day. If you go to bed 3 hours earlier than usual, you’re still setting an alarm. If you wake up before it, great. If you stay out until the wee hours of the morning, I do not fucking care. You’re waking up with your alarm. And waking up means GETTING up. No more waking and laying in bed for 3 hours on Facebook. You have 6 minutes after you wake up to get out of bed, or you’re still a piece of shit.

Shower every day.

I don’t care what time. Right when you wake up, after lunch, before bed…. It’s up to you. But I will say, showering after waking up or midday makes the rest of my day feel more productive. I’d say if it was a scale, showering when you wake up is level 0 shittiness and waiting until bed is level 10 shittiness. Put yourself on that scale somewhere and recognize you’re procrastinating the most productive of the daily rules. Shower.

Eat a vegetable sometimes.

You read it. Eat some cauliflower or avocados or something once every day. It’s that simple. I mean, ideally, we should eat vegetables and proteins for every meal. It’s what feels best both physically and mentally. But, I won’t say that eating pizza and frenchfries makes you a piece of shit. I won’t say it. But NOT eating veggies and proteins does make you a piece of shit. So do it. Eat a vegetable.

Learn to be alone.

Seriously, this shouldn’t need to be said. Learn how to be productive and happy alone. If you don’t like hanging out with you, why the fuck should anyone else? You’re mopey, you’re gaining weight, you’re boring. Here’s the baby step to get there: take your passion (knitting, writing, sporting, shopping) and fucking do it with yourself. Treat yourself to lunch. Take yourself to get your nails done. Pretend to like yourself until you do. Pretend you’re the coolest person you can imagine, and you’ll become that. It’s a lot easier to love yourself when you like to think you have something in common with yourself.

That’s my 4 simple daily steps to unshit yourself. Wake up, shower, eat a vegetable, and do something for yourself everyday. Now you have no excuse; stop being a total piece of shit and bring it down to just kind of a piece of shit.